The Different Parts of Me

So this month I have been doing something amazing. Something I have talked about for 20 years, but never had the courage to actually do. It has been wonderful.

Many of you know I have been struggling with depression and realizing I needed to do new things and get out of my rut. One day at the end of last month I had decided I was going to attend an author reading at Parnassus Books. This might not seem like a big deal, but it kind of was b/c I didn't have anyone to go with. My book/author friend moved away last year and things like this just aren't really interesting to most of my friends. Well for me, part of depression is a social anxiety that makes going out hard. Going out alone...yeah, even harder. But this was an author I really loved and wanted to hear speak so...I was going to go.

Then I got a text from one of my Best Friends, Sylvia. It said she was auditioning for a play that her theater professor was directing at school and I should come audition too. That simple. Now I had two options. I could go, alone, to the author thing where I didn't have to do anything; or I could go, with her to the audition where I obviously would be participating. Pros and Cons obvious to both sides. I am not sure what made me choose the audition. I remember thinking to myself though that if I was going to do it, I was going to go all the way. I had not been in a play, or to an audition, in about 20 years. I was scared out of my mind. I don't know where the thought came from but I had this flash of an interview I saw once with Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor about Moulin Rouge. They were talking about how different of a part it was and how nervous they were about looking crazy. So they made a pact with each other to just 'go for it 100%'. I kind of made that pact with myself. If I was going to do this I wasn't going to be shy or nervous but really go for it.

Well I don't know if I seemed shy or nervous to anyone else but for myself...I went for it. 100% I had a crazy southern accent and I was loud and I had a BLAST. I fell in love with this one character in particular that was just a crazy lady. I just loved reading that part. And a few days later I got the email that said...I was cast as her! The truth is...she was the smallest part in the play. So it wasn't some huge accomplishment in a bigger sense but for me...it totally was. It was exactly what I wanted and what I needed.

The month of March has been....well basically insane. We have rehearsed every single night. I am the oldest person in the cast and my cast mates are all college kids. They sometimes drive me insane b/c they are very different from me. But they also have reminded me how much I love working with young people, and how much I miss that. One girl quit oh about 2 weeks away from the play...SO I got another part!!

I have to be honest and say I kind of freaked out a little bit. The part I fell in love with from day one was one thing...I had gone in 100% ready to be that crazy lady. Now they wanted me to be someone else. This was not a loud crazy funny lady. This part was the former beauty queen. She was described as an elegant, rich looking attractive woman. That is not me. My 100% faltered. I admit it. I was back to my no confidence, I cannot do, I am not her, what am I doing here with all these young, attractive, talented kids anyway self. But you know what? I didn't stay there. Not this time. These kids and this director and this play, it was too inspiring for me. I decided not to wilt this time. I might not be what the playwright had in mind. Heck I might not be what the director had in mind at first either, but I did it. I am doing it.

We had our opening weekend this weekend. It was amazing. I mean, not without it's issues for sure. it is a small Community College without a lot of funding or support. But oh my gosh I remember how much I adore the stage. I have fallen in love again with the sound of an audience's laughter. I have been overcome with love for my fellow cast members and the heart they have put into this little production.

I am the crazy pregnant lady that I fell in love with. She is easy for me to be. I am also the former beauty queen. She is a blast to play. I am Karla and I love being an actor! I am so glad I found those parts of myself again. They are all so very important to me.

Expectations are Not Always so Great

So it is the end of February. Those who made New Years Resolutions have nearly all abandoned them. Probably quite awhile back. Which is why I did not make any New Years Resolutions. :) And yet I have been facing a crippling sense of failure lately. I have contemplating writing a blog entry and avoiding it. I wanted to commit to blogging at least once a month this year. I have not wanted anyone to know how I have been doing so far this year, though. Far from flourishing, the truth is I feel mostly wilted.

It isn't just since the year has begun. It has been going on longer than that. Partially it is physically. I have focused on that since the new year began and had my doctor dive in do and a WHOLE BUNCH of tests. She says nothing is wrong. Well nothing new. She thinks I am having a particularly bad fibro flare. And also, an attack of depression. Neither of these are new diagnoses. These are things I struggle with from time to time. Well fibromyalgia I struggle with daily, but from time to time it flares up and really challenges me. And if my reoccurring depression decides to join in, well then life gets super interesting. Or rather, super not.

I have spent many days in bed.
Simply because I hurt too much and I was too overwhelmed by that and by everything else to get out.
Other days I have made it to work and then come home only to melt onto my couch. I have watched episode after episode of TV shows. I honestly couldn't tell you what they were about. It was just something to occupy my mind. Keep it from running amok and causing me to get too emotional.

So my doctor has changed up some of my prescriptions. And I am working on some plans of coping better/in more healthy ways. To be honest these things have to run their course. And I have to make it through them. I have to flourish anyway. Or at least not totally wither away. Not too long ago my sister posted this on facebook. It gave me such a feeling of peace.

It is such a simple truth. But truth. Flourishing isn't about being a flower. It isn't about a finished product at all. It is about growth. It is about going to the doctor and talking to her about what is going on. It is about acknowledging things are not great right now and spending days in bed if that is what I need, and then getting up and doing something to change the next day. It is about changing my expectations.

I have been talking with several of my closest friends lately and and we are all going through major changes in our life. All very different. Some are changing careers, some going back to school, some going through divorce or hardships in marriage or relationships. Some are dealing with sickness - either themselves or of significant others. Some are facing huge decisions. But what I keep hearing over and over and over that is the same is that it is not what we EXPECTED to be doing at this age. It is not where we expected to be. We thought we would have things more figured out, be in more control. 

I think that expectations are ruining realities. I want to be the kind of person who can learn to live and love the life I have. Not the life I thought I would have. Or that society thinks I should have. Or that my parents had. That is NOT easy. I am not sure how to get there. A big part of what is going on with me RIGHT NOW is that I had a lot of expectations of how moving back to Nashville was going to go. I imagined, or expected, certain things to happen that haven't. And some things I never guessed would happen have happened and...I am having trouble dealing with those things. That is not what I wanted. This was supposed to be MY TIME and it was supposed to go my way. But....some things take time. 

My expectations are killing me. I think they are killing most of us. We need to learn to let go. To live in the now. To find the beauty in the now. Even in the days that feel like wilting. It is okay to stay in bed some days. It is okay to admit you are not doing as well as you expected. It is okay to let go of those expectations and just...do. Do something different. I want to see where it leads me next.

One Word

I don't do New Year's Resolutions. Nothing against them but I never found myself keeping them and it seems to me that you can, and should, set new goals at anytime that you realize you need to. So...I just don't do that. For several years now, though, I have been choosing a word of the year. It is just a simple idea that really appealed to me and that I have come to truly love. At the beginning of each year you choose a word (for the past few years I have actually made it a phrase but this year I am returning to an actual word) that you make your own for the year. For me it is a word to focus on. To grab for when I feel I am drowning, to celebrate when I am doing well, to ground me in what I wish to do and be. I say that but it is not actually a thing I want to DO or an act that can be accomplished. I will not achieve a state of this word. I will just strive for it. I will remember it. I will pray for it. I will reach for it. I will work toward it. I will miss it - by leaps and bounds. I will get tired of it and even abandon it some days. But it will be my word and I will hold it in my heart this year.

I don't think I have ever done this before but my word for this year is almost a reaction to my phrase from last year. I loved my phrase and I needed my phrase, but I also need to move on from it now. My phrase has been: Nevertheless She Persisted. And I have. Just barely, it feels like on this New Years Eve as I sit alone in my parent's house with some new odd physical ailment driving me crazy and with a million things on my mind. Despite everything I kept going. This past year has been awful and I have needed a phrase I could grab onto, some days even just with the tips of my fingernails.

I have decided that is not enough for me anymore. I obviously need to keep going. I know there are still going to be days when just persisting will be all I can hope to do. But my focus this year - the word in my heart - is not going to be to just make it despite it all. I want more. Two separate friends of mine during this past year focused some attention on this word and I loved it so I  am stealing it from them to use this year:

This year I want to flourish. I have thought a lot about this word and what it means. At the top of this post is a definition of the word. To thrive, to do well, to have a period of productivity or excellence. These are the things I want for myself and for my world. I have realized, however, that I have to stop trying to dictate exactly what that might mean and learn to flourish wherever I find myself. As I searched for images of the word flourish another word that showed up with it a lot was bloom and I like those two words together - to bloom where you are planted - to flourish where you are. That is what I seek. 

I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to make my life look a certain way. The way I wanted it to look. And the fact that it does not look that way has caused me great pain and disappointment. What I seek to find this coming year is a way to flourish in what my life DOES look like. To grow and thrive where I am rather than where I thought I should be. I have NO IDEA what this year will hold for me. There are so many things up in the air right now about my future I can't even process them in my head let alone begin to write about them yet. So rather than try to create a picture of what I want my life to look like, I simply want to flourish within the life I have.

A print of this has been hanging in my house for several years now. This year it has renewed meaning for me and I hope it will begin to become more and more true as I begin to bloom and flourish in new ways

12 Things in December

So I intended to start this post on December 1st but...well I am a few days late. The idea though is...the 12th month is here so here are 12 random things about me you might not know.

1. My biggest pet peeve is probably stupidity. Not ignorance - anyone can learn, but straight up stupidity. FOR EXAMPLE, I get so mad every time I hear a stupid commercial for medicine with side effects that says "do not take X if you are allergic to X". Are you kidding me? Who needs to be told not to take something they are allergic to?  UGH. I am getting annoyed just thinking about it.

2. I am a little bit of a conspiracy nut. Well,  I would be but I am too lazy. I don't mean any particular conspiracy and I don't actually do the work of following any but I am enough of a "What If" kind of thinker that when I hear about things I don't totally write them off. Instead I love thinking about them and wondering. For example I am pretty sure Google is trying to take over the world. Also, there is a good reason this is one of my favorite shows...


3. I am VERY geographically challenged. Like, VERY. When I was younger my Mom let me walk to the grocery store for her. Apparently it wasn't very far away. After several hours she went out in the car looking for me. I was wandering the streets crying. I had not ever even found the store yet. I had been walking in circles the entire time. When my parents lived in Arizona - I was in my late  20's or maybe 30's and I would literally call my Mom to ask her how to get to places, in Nashville. It is bad. In fact the only class I ever failed was geography. Only THANK GOD we moved before the semester was over so I never really got a grade in it. At my new school that wasn't a class so...it never appeared on any final report. Being an Army Brat finally pays off! :) These days I am just super grateful for GPS on my phone. I would probably be a hermit without it. Just safer.


4.  I was 2 (or maybe 3, Mom could never remember for sure) when I was first diagnosed with migraines. My Dad suffered from them really badly so my Mom was VERY aware and used to the symptoms of them. So when her daughter started having the same symptoms, she recognized them. The doctors did not believe her at all. Finally, however, I was having a really horrible one so she took me to the hospital during the migraine and made them observe me. They had to agree - I was hiding from lights and sound. I was throwing up. I was holding my head in one spot. I looked...just like someone with a bad migraine. Of course there is not really anything you can do for a 2 year old with a migraine but...it is in my records that I was having them. I have had them ever since.


5. My parents once had a good friend from Dad's work dress up like Santa and come visit my sister and I at home (before Mic was born or possibly when he was a baby). I do not actually remember that night but I have seen pictures and have heard the stories...I was NOT a fan. I seem to have had a big ole fear of a giant man in a bright red suit visiting me in the middle of the night (I mean...come on). So the part of the story that I DO remember is that the following year we were going to Dad's company Christmas party and the very same guy was playing Santa. My sister and I were in line waiting to see him. It was very cool because the Santa had a personalized gift for every child with their name on it. Made it seem very real. As we were waiting my sister informed me that Santa would NOT have a gift for ME because I had been so mean to him the year before. I was soooo upset! So for the second year in a row my meeting with Santa was sad. :( Fortunately she was wrong and he was very sweet to me.

6. I have sung on the Grand Ol Opry Stage - for my high school graduation with my school choir, and at the Ryman Auditorium - for a youth event with a college choir. Both very cool experiences I will never forget.


7. Most people don't like their names but I LOVE mine. I am named for my Great Grandpa Carl. He was an incredible man. Plus my name uses K to have the German spelling. I have always been a little jealous that I am the only child in my family not born in Germany but that somehow makes up for it. My middle name is Jean and that is my favorite part. It is my Mom's middle name too. She was named for her Aunt Jean who died when she was still fairly young. My Mom passed it on to me. I always hoped I would have a baby girl to pass it along to as well. So...my great-grandpa, My Mom, and the German part of my childhood. Pretty awesome :)


8. This is one a lot of you won't like. I am not a registered Republican or Democrat. And many times, I don't vote. I refuse to be a part of a party b/c I don't think that either of them get it right. It seems like so many in our country simply vote for their party regardless of the person who is running and I just cannot get behind that. So I am neither and one of the things I appreciate most about being American is that I have the right to choose neither. Some think that is throwing my vote away - and that is fine. I disagree. I really hate when people say that if you don't vote you have no right to complain though, I totally disagree. A friend said it this way - if someone is hungry and you offer them a crap sandwich and they say they don't want a crap sandwich so you offer them crap soup instead but they say they don't want crap soup either - you don't tell them they are crazy and that they either eat the crap sandwich, the crap soup or stop complaining about being hungry. Ummm no. I am hungry and I don't want crap. I believe if enough of us would stop eating crap, things might actually change. Like I said, I know this is one a lot of people won't like but that is okay.


9. I am an Army Brat, which means I am really "from" anywhere. I grew up all over the world - literally. Some parts of that were really hard, like changing schools every few years and never being able to keep friendships. Some parts of it were amazing though, like literally seeing other parts of the world. One of my favorite parts of my childhood is that when I was in 3rd grade (maybe 4th...can't remember for sure) I lived in Germany and for a whole semester our Gym class once a week was to walk down to an ice skating rink where a professional ice skater taught us all to skate! It was the coolest thing ever! I have always loved ice skating and it was a dream come true. I cannot even put ice skates on these days - it hurts my ankles too much - but there was a time I could skate forwards and backwards, and even do simple turns. It made me feel like a princess! The Cutting Edge is still a favorite :)


10.  When I was a little girl I had four sets of Grandparents plus two full sets of great grandparents and another great grandmother. So that is seven grandmas! It always makes me laugh when people say that they call one side of their family granny and the other something else because it would be confusing to have the same name. Hahhaha. I never got confused. I feel very lucky to have had such an amazing group of grandparents. I never was lucky enough to live close to any of them (except when I was a baby for a short time but I don't actually remember that) but I have always felt close to them all. I only have two grandmothers and one grandpa left and I love with all of my heart.


11. I have the weirdest love/fear thing with animals. They have always been a huge part of my life. My family has had animals for as long as I can remember. There was a time when I was young that we had a dog, a cat, a rabbit, fish, birds and I think a turtle for some reason. There are pictures. Obviously we are animal lovers. And it has always been that way, but I also have always held a strange fear of them too. All of them. They kind of freak me out. I see the wild side in them and it always kind of scares me. Cats might be my favorites but they are also maybe the wildest. I will look into my cats face sometimes and totally see the tiger type cat there. It is hiding behind the kitten. I wonder sometimes if people are like that too. But definitely with animals. It makes it hard for me to relax totally with them.


12. I am ridiculously competitive. I didn't realize this about myself for a long time but it is true. I think I didn't know it b/c I don't like things like sports that people tend to think of when you talk about competition. I never want wanted to do those things bc I don't care about them. I do want to be the best at whatever I am doing though. It is just a severe form of perfectionism maybe. I am not sure. I want be the best worker. I want to read the most books. I want to watch the most episodes. Yep, even crazy things like that. I mean who cares right? But I do. I watched more episodes than you. I found a better deal at the store. I won that board game. It is not big things...but I am so competitive. I am trying to not be so bad about it but if you really know me well you know I am always trying to win. Everything. It makes it hard to ever be satisfied with anything. I don't recommend it.


So there you have it. 12 pointless but possibly interesting facts about me to read this 12th month of 2018. Happy December everyone!

My "Person"

So 41 years ago today that beautiful lady above was born. Some 20 years ago I was lucky enough to meet her and befriend her and she became my person. My go-to. My BFF. My first phone call. My roomie occasionally. My travel buddy. My life partner. My person. I am so lucky.

Jennifer is kind and big-hearted and intelligent. She spends her days teaching children - not just any children, children who don't speak English as their first language and sometimes who don't speak English at all! She is patient and loving and very good at her job. She amazes me and I am so glad for her and others like her who do this important work!

Jen is also a jewelry lady and she is so stylish! She seriously ALWAYS looks cute! But more than that she really cares about her customers and her co-jewelers (I know, I was one for awhile). She has a heart to really reach out to people - not just to sell stuff to them but to get to know them, to have relationships with them and to make their lives better however she can.

When people meet Jen they always remark that she is shy and quiet. HA! Once you get to know her you will realize that Jen is quite adventurous and tenacious. Many things from our 20 year friendship that I get credit and/or blame for....all Jen! :) She sees things she wants and never hesitates - she just goes for it with total abandon and enthusiasm. Some of the best times of my life are due to that nature and tendency. She really brings to life the saying 'watch out for the quiet ones', but only in the best way! 

No one is a better cheer-leader or supporter than Jennifer. She supports her loved ones with that same tenacity that she approaches life with. This is true for bands she loves, sports teams she supports, friends who are facing challenges, family that might be far away physically, it doesn't matter...she is always there with a pom-pom (usually figuratively but not necessarily always) and a prayer. 

Happy Birthday Jennifer Griffin Miller. I am so glad you are my person. The world is a better place because you were born! I cannot imagine my life without you and I look forward to more years of crazy fun and friendship with you! 

Thanksgiving Truths

Want to hear an ugly truth? I am not feeling very thankful this thanksgiving. It is the day after the holiday and I am sitting in my Grandma's living room and usually this is a place and time where I feel peace and love  - but this year, I am struggling. I have been struggling for awhile now. I haven't been blogging because no one wants to read about depression. And I don't really want to write about it.

I am not where I want to be. I don't mean here at Grandma's house. That is a good thing, even if I am not feeling it in my heart, I know it in my head. But just in my life in general. It has been 6 months since I moved out of Dad's house and back to Nashville. It wasn't an easy move but there was an excitement to it, a promise of new things and a range of possibility for myself I hadn't felt in a long time. I was anxious to prove myself at my new job, to show everyone I could make it on my own, to eat better and lose weight, to spend time with friends and have a healthy social life, to focus on me and learn to love my own life.

Instead I have gained weight, I am struggling to pay my bills, I am overwhelmed with responsibilities and I feel distant from those I love. I have tried to be more social but find myself frustrated (probably unfairly mostly) when people are not free when I feel like doing things and then often when they do want to do things I don't feel physically able to say yes myself. I am doing well at work, but I am having to find outside work in order to pay my bills and my stamina to do it all is often not there. 

I know what this is. I have been here before. Depression is a nasty disease. It sneaks in and convinces you that you cannot accomplish anything. That you are not good enough and that every failure is huge and more important than any success that may be happening simultaneously. It is telling me that my life is full of stress and that I will never break free from those things. It is telling me I am ugly and will continue to grow uglier. It is telling me I am broke and will never be able to take care of myself. It is telling me that I am alone and that no one really cares about me.

I know those things are not true. But depression is very persuasive. It is very smart and it sneaks in at your vulnerable moments. More ugly truth? Lately life has been a vulnerable moment for me. And holidays are even worse. I miss my Mom. I want to be doing better. I am worried about my Dad and my nephew. I want to be there for my friends the way I have been able to be in the past and I know I am not. All of those things make cracks where the depression thrives.

I can count my blessings. I absolutely know I have many and  I try to do that often, but the depression adds to each one of them....BUT.....

so I can say, I have a job...and depression adds BUT I don't make enough money

I can say I love my family and depression adds BUT so many of them are hurting and I don't know how to help

It goes on and on. Trying to feel thankful when depression is crowding your heart and mind is almost impossible. That is the ugly truth of this thanksgiving for me. And for many others I am sure. I don't write this for sympathy or so that you will all comment and assure me these things are not true. I know they are not. I know depression lies. I write it to fight those lies. I write it to say I will not lie. I will be honest about how hard it is. And I write it so others will know they are not alone. Depression is a lie. There are many hard things in my life. I wish many of them were different. But that does not mean I have nothing to be thankful for. 

I might not FEEL thankful but that does not mean I am not. I refuse to allow depression to take THAT from me. So Happy Thanksgiving from a grumpy me that is not really feeling it, but that loves you all anyway. And that is not giving up or giving in. 

A Shameless Plug...For Me

Hey Everyone! I know I haven't been keeping up with the blog. Working again has taken up a lot of time and energy. The new job is going well, I am out of training and have my own cubical with a window view. It is very different and I am still getting used to the early mornings. I like the people I work with, though and am adjusting well to the work.

One thing I have realized, though, is that nearly everyone where I work has some sort of second job or means of additional support! We just really don't make that much money. But for me the idea of working any additional hours is just beyond me. So I started thinking of ways I might be able to do it. And a few things have occurred to me.

For instance, tonight I am sitting in my living room but I am also working on a few things. First off...meet two of my favorite guests....This is Bitsy

She is quite the Diva. She loves taking selfies and being the queen of the apartment...or any place she might be.
This is her big brother, Batman

He is super chill, most of the time. He loves to lay right here by me while I watch TV or whatever I am doing.
The three of us have good times! Tonight, rather than TV watching...I am actually on my laptop editing some BEAUTIFUL pictures I took last weekend of one of my favorite families. Here is a sneak peak of Elizabeth, who I have taken pictures of since she was like 2 or 3 years old!

Isn't she gorgeous?? I know! It is so fun to see her every year or so and get a chance to see how much she has grown and I so enjoy doing pictures with her and her family.

SO that is when it occurred to me that I already do some things that I can make money at and that I love. SO rather than try to sell a product or get a job, I am going to try to market my services...to YOU.

SO (I am going to try to say SO a few more times) SO if you need a PET SITTER or a PHOTOGRAPHER....let me know!! I am not a professional - at either thing - but I do both fairly often and I love both and have people who will vouch for me. Prices are negotiable depending on how many animals/where we stay/how long/etc. and the same for photo shoots. BUT I am trying to do some kind of job 3 to 4 times a month.

SO I need your help. If you have need of me...PLEASE LET ME KNOW! ALSO if you know of someone else who might need me, please pass the word along! Thanks so much!

I have linked the picture of Elizabeth above to my photography page on Facebook. I have not been doing a great job of keeping it updated lately but tonight I added some recent photos I have taken and I will start paying more attention to it again! If you have not added yourself to it, please do that as well!

Graduation Day

Michael graduated from high school today.

 It was a long, emotional and bittersweet day. I have tons of pictures and tons of memories that I will cherish forever. I am so proud of him. The sting of missing Mom was so strong today, though. She should have been there. She should have gotten to see that and feel that. He should have been able to hug his Grandma. Also tonight we were celebrating with him but equally saying good-bye as he is leaving this week for Savannah GA to begin the next part of his life there. So like I said....many emotions and so very bittersweet.

Each graduate had a short slide show of pictures of themselves played during the night and Michael chose one of his pictures to be of him & Grandma. Also he was one of the student performers and he sang the song that he did at her Memorial service last year. So Mom was there. Very much. We all felt both her absence and her presence. It was very moving.

Michael graduated with honors and did an amazing job on his solo (though he DID manage to stumble on the stairs on the way onto the stage and almost fall on his face going to the solo...everyone got a big laugh out it). He was, as always amazing. He never ceases to amaze me.

I cannot begin to say how much I already miss that kid. He is truly the child of my heart. We have gone through periods of time not seeing each other before, though, and it has never - nor will it ever - dim my love for him. I love him more than I ever thought possible and more than I have ever loved anyone. Always have. A prouder Aunt there never was


From the moment I found out I was going to become an aunt, to those terrifying moments that seemed like years, of peeking through blinds to watch the doctors trying to save his preemie life. From singing him to sleep when he was fussy to watching him learn to walk - and then quickly run! He was the most smiley/fun toddler you will ever meet. Always smiling. Then when he learned to read we began to see how ridiculously intelligent he is. He should have been on words like fox and sit but once he learned the basics he could read anything. I remember one day I was driving and he was in the back seat and said "what does Mississippi mean?" He didn't know or understand that Mississippi was a state but he could sound the word out b/c he knew how to read!!! I started to say that then he fell in love with music but really...he always loved music. I can remember dancing with him before he was big enough to walk and singing to him as soon as he was born. But it was SO fun when he went through his phase of wanting to be a rock star like Karla's friends. One day he drew all over his arms so he could have "band tattoos" just like them. Oh that kid. We sang and danced together so many times.

But his life was not always songs and good times. Michael faced some pretty tough things. He was adopted by his Mama when he was around 2 so that was his first big obstacle/transition, but then he was still quite young when she (his mamma) was in a very serious motorcycle accident. The accident affected - well the rest of their lives really - but especially the next several years. Michael came and stayed with us for quite some time. More than one different time. He also told me recently he remembers going from house to house of other relatives as well. AND he visited his mamma in the hospital and knew how sick she was. That is all a lot on such a small boy. It took its toll and Michael began to struggle at school and in his social life as Debbie continued struggling with her health. And that wasn't all. His grandma battled cancer. For over TEN years. And his parents separated. And he changed schools several times before he found a fit. There were many struggles.

One of the things that Michael will often say about himself that I hate to hear is that he is lazy. While it is true he can be lazy, as most teenage boys can be, I know that the truth is he is NOT a lazy person. Michael faced some hard things in his life and he did not give up. Not ever. I can remember one of the times he was living with me we were on the way home from therapy - it had been a rough session. He was really struggling and the song by Pink came on that says "You gotta get up and try and try and try - you gotta get up and try and try and try". Michael was in middle school then but he already was facing enough in life to understand that reality. His eyes teared up and he grabbed my hand and he said, "it's hard sometimes". But...he did it.

Tonight he graduated from high school. With honors. His mamma was there to see him. I was there to see him. He had friends there to see him. He did it. Not always the way I would have chosen or wanted. Or the way his mom would have chosen. Or even maybe the way HE would have chosen. But he got up - over and over - he got up again and tried. And he did it. I am so proud of him. I hope he always knows that and never believes the lie that he tells himself when he says he is lazy.

He can do or be anything. I know it. I believe it. I love you kiddo. Go be amazing

And....Just Kidding!!

So yeah if you read my last blog entry I am going to need you to just go ahead and forget about all that. Nothing true in it anymore. Well not much anyway.

There is some quote about life laughing at you when you are busy making plans. Or maybe God laughs at you. Somebody laughs. Possibly everyone. In any case that is precisely what happened since I wrote the last blog entry.

I went to a week of training at the insurance thing. Ridiculous. I mean I just hated it and it was really not training at all so I wasn't feeling great. BUT...okay I thought, I can deal. My first real day was supposed to be Tuesday at 3pm (Weird right?)

That Sunday on a whim I put down a deposit on an apartment in Hermitage. On Monday my dad's van broke down so I drove to Manchester to help him. Tuesday at 10am my dad had a Dr appointment that went bad. He ended up being admitted to the hospital and I consequently missed my first day. Also I got an email inviting me to an interview for a job with the State. I spent the rest of the week with my Dad. (He is fine btw).

The next week my Dad had surgery  (crazily enough for a different issue), I went to the interview, we took a trip to Indiana and I decided I don't want to do the insurance thing.

Basically I watched my Dad have 2 medical situations within a 7 day period and realized that if either of them happened to ME on my current insurance I would be paying for it for decades. I need the safety of good medical benefits.

So...I might very well be a sell out but I accepted the job with the state. I will be working with disability claims. It probably will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Not intellectually of course, but I have not worked anywhere in 11 months. Soon I will have to get up at 6 am (I hope no earlier) every day. I have not done that since high school. I get tired from taking a shower people. I will have no flexibility at this job and I have always had flexibility where I worked in getting in my 40 hours. Nope this is very much an 8-4:30 deal. And I will not be able to just get up and move about or take a break if I don't feel good. It will be SO different. Also, I have no joy in the idea of the job. My identity as a librarian was so much of ME, this job is nothing like that. So, I am basically terrified.

But...that makes it sound all bad. It isn't. I am moving into an apartment that I really like, and I am mostly excited about that. (I am sort of walking on eggshells about it right now. I have put down a non-refundable deposit BUT I have no real proof if income right now so I am just praying they let me keep it until my new job sends me something. I have asked for it but...so far no dice). And I know this is just a beginning. Change is hard and scary and never easy (at least for me). It could be a great thing. I might love it and/or find something else I love because of it. I know I will have medical care and security I would not have otherwise and that is important. To me it has to be.

So no big jump into selling insurance - for that I am pretty glad. But a big jump into new things none-the-less. Pray I have the strength to do what needs to be done. 

A New Chapter Begins...

Once Upon A Time...
There was a girl who wanted to be a teacher. No a youth pastor. No a professor.
Well she became a librarian. And she loved it. In fact she adored it. And she is not sure who she is if she cannot introduce herself as a librarian anymore. It feels really weird.

BUT...she quit her job and there aren't that many out there right now. Plus the truth is she keeps saying she wants something different. That she wants to do life different - that she doesn't like the way we live such scheduled lives and spend so much time tied to our work. Her Mom's death cemented that feeling she had always had that a life like that just didn't work for her.

Well...the day after her 41st birthday that girl (spoiler alert...it's me) took 2 state exams for life and health insurance license-sure and passed them both! And then she signed a contract with Liberty National and she will start a new job next Monday.

So....this is not like my dream job. Obviously none of you have ever heard me say I really want to be selling insurance. BUT several things have happened that made me decide to give this a shot. One is the very real reality that this is the only job I have found to date. No other place has even called me in for an interview! I gotta be honest, I did not expect that. Apparently I was mistakenly egotistical but I expected more response to my education and experience than I have received. Which has been nothing. So...there is that. But it is more than that. When I went to the interview and met the woman who owns this branch of Liberty National I was very drawn to her. One reason is that in talking we realized that both of our mothers passed away - from cancer, in August of last year. That just blew me away. Talk about someone who understood! She was actually promoted to the level of "owner" the day before her mother died. Also when she explained to me what things attracted her to this job initially it was all of the same kinds of things I have been saying I want - flexibility for things that are important to me, better pay (if you work hard), working on your own, working to help people etc. We really had a lot of similar feelings and goals about the work place in general.

There are some things about this job that I do NOT like as well. The biggest...it is totally commission based. TOTALLY. As in no salary, no benefits. Nothing. If I don't do well, I fail. On the other hand - if I work hard and do well, I can continue to make more and more.

So....we will see. At this point I figure I really have nothing to lose. I am going to go for it for a couple of months. I am going to live with Sylvia in Old Hickory and continue to stay with Dad in Manchester quite a bit both until I see how it is going. It will take a few days for my license to come in but...if you are thinking of updating your supplemental insurance - this is your girl....not a teacher, youth pastor, professor OR librarian at this point. I am excited to see how/if this chapter will play out but apparently this is what a brand new insurance agent looks like