Expectations are Not Always so Great

So it is the end of February. Those who made New Years Resolutions have nearly all abandoned them. Probably quite awhile back. Which is why I did not make any New Years Resolutions. :) And yet I have been facing a crippling sense of failure lately. I have contemplating writing a blog entry and avoiding it. I wanted to commit to blogging at least once a month this year. I have not wanted anyone to know how I have been doing so far this year, though. Far from flourishing, the truth is I feel mostly wilted.

It isn't just since the year has begun. It has been going on longer than that. Partially it is physically. I have focused on that since the new year began and had my doctor dive in do and a WHOLE BUNCH of tests. She says nothing is wrong. Well nothing new. She thinks I am having a particularly bad fibro flare. And also, an attack of depression. Neither of these are new diagnoses. These are things I struggle with from time to time. Well fibromyalgia I struggle with daily, but from time to time it flares up and really challenges me. And if my reoccurring depression decides to join in, well then life gets super interesting. Or rather, super not.

I have spent many days in bed.
Simply because I hurt too much and I was too overwhelmed by that and by everything else to get out.
Other days I have made it to work and then come home only to melt onto my couch. I have watched episode after episode of TV shows. I honestly couldn't tell you what they were about. It was just something to occupy my mind. Keep it from running amok and causing me to get too emotional.

So my doctor has changed up some of my prescriptions. And I am working on some plans of coping better/in more healthy ways. To be honest these things have to run their course. And I have to make it through them. I have to flourish anyway. Or at least not totally wither away. Not too long ago my sister posted this on facebook. It gave me such a feeling of peace.

It is such a simple truth. But truth. Flourishing isn't about being a flower. It isn't about a finished product at all. It is about growth. It is about going to the doctor and talking to her about what is going on. It is about acknowledging things are not great right now and spending days in bed if that is what I need, and then getting up and doing something to change the next day. It is about changing my expectations.

I have been talking with several of my closest friends lately and and we are all going through major changes in our life. All very different. Some are changing careers, some going back to school, some going through divorce or hardships in marriage or relationships. Some are dealing with sickness - either themselves or of significant others. Some are facing huge decisions. But what I keep hearing over and over and over that is the same is that it is not what we EXPECTED to be doing at this age. It is not where we expected to be. We thought we would have things more figured out, be in more control. 

I think that expectations are ruining realities. I want to be the kind of person who can learn to live and love the life I have. Not the life I thought I would have. Or that society thinks I should have. Or that my parents had. That is NOT easy. I am not sure how to get there. A big part of what is going on with me RIGHT NOW is that I had a lot of expectations of how moving back to Nashville was going to go. I imagined, or expected, certain things to happen that haven't. And some things I never guessed would happen have happened and...I am having trouble dealing with those things. That is not what I wanted. This was supposed to be MY TIME and it was supposed to go my way. But....some things take time. 

My expectations are killing me. I think they are killing most of us. We need to learn to let go. To live in the now. To find the beauty in the now. Even in the days that feel like wilting. It is okay to stay in bed some days. It is okay to admit you are not doing as well as you expected. It is okay to let go of those expectations and just...do. Do something different. I want to see where it leads me next.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

January is over. How weird is that? Time goes by so quickly...and yet at some times so very slowly. It is an odd dichotomy. In five days it will be 6 months since my Mom died. Half a year has passed by me without her and I am not sure if it feels like it happened yesterday or a lifetime ago. Both really.

At the beginning of the year I pledged to focus on the phrase Nevertheless She Persisted, so now I am trying to be fair and see how well I have done so far. I decided it has been a little bit of good, a little bit of bad, and a little bit of ugly. As with most things.

So the Good:
      I have been really trying. I got the captioning job I was hoping to get. Sadly it hasn't really worked out as well as I hoped. There just isn't enough work available when I need it. I have not made even close to enough money so it is not going to work out. BUT I did stick to it and get through the orientation phase and figure that out. I have done about 100 hours worth of captioning. I haven't decided exactly what is next. I am thinking about trying substitute teaching. That is obviously not working from home, which was my hope but...I might try it.
     Dad and I have been going to church pretty much every week. That is a huge social step for us. After Mom died we never did anything, including church. I stayed home sick once this month, but Dad went on without me that week. And this past week we even went early to attend Sunday School. I am not a huge SS fan, never have been but it is a good way to meet people and Dad really does like it so we will  keep it up I am sure.
     I have been cooking a lot more. I am not very good at it but I have been trying more things and using less frozen dinners and eating out like I was doing before.
     I finally sent my book out to a few agents. This one was huge and scary. I just did this a few days ago and so far have only had time to send to seven agents. This is definitely not enough! But I am glad to know I have started. The truth is I don't feel like my story is really ready...or maybe I just don't feel like it is good enough. NEVERTHELESS...I have been sitting on it for almost a year now. It is time to do something so...I figured why not. It felt good.
     I have seen my niece Haven several times this month, which has been a huge JOY for me! Sadly Braylee was not there most of those times, but it was still a good thing. I have texted with Michael several times and feel like we are getting back into each other's lives, even if only in an abstract way.

     I was able to march again this year in the Women's march in Nashville with my dear friend Danielle and her son Isaiah. I was a bit disappointed more people I know/am close with were not interested in this, just because it is so important to me. Sometimes I struggle to understand why things that I care about others don't care about. BUT having said that, it was such a joy to be there and to be with those two and to see that despite those feelings I was in fact surrounded by people who DID care just as much as me! There were 15,000 people at the march and it was very inspiring and a great day!

     I have been reading. This seems super simple but for me it is really big deal. For a long time I was not even interested in doing this thing that has always been my refuge and my favorite activity. I read somewhere once that you are grieving when you cannot even love the things you love. I very much have been feeling that way.  I still do in many ways, but feel like I am beginning to see the other side of that. Karissa and Madeleine and I are working on an exciting new project that has pushed me to begin reading in earnest again and it has been very good for me. I cannot wait for that to take more shape and to share more about it.

The Bad:
     It is a very odd thing to be a person such as myself who is very educated and aware of things that surround issues like depression, and also to be dealing with those issues myself. I am not a professional by any means but I have always been very aware that my calling to work with young people included a need to be aware about and be able to help them deal with social and mental issues. I have done a lot of reading and studying and listening to try to be ready to help. Also just because of my personality, I guess, friends have always come to me with problems. Asking for advice and just using me as a sounding board. So...all of this to say - I KNOW what is going on with me. I can tell when my actions or thoughts are a result of my depression rather than reality. That has been happening a lot lately. And it is bizarre. If I can tell that, it seems like I should be able to do something about it. I also, by the way, know that it doesn't work that way. But it is frustrating.
     The worst thing lately is that I feel like I am not depressed about Mom. I know that is the root of my depression BUT instead of thinking about her all the time I find myself thinking about every other bad thing that has ever happened in my life. There are situations that have been over and done with for twenty years that I have found myself sobbing over and rehashing in my mind...for no real reason. That mean thing someone said to me ten years ago...I have thought about how maybe it was true and maybe that is why that other thing happened seven years ago and five years ago and....Well you get the picture. Every way my life COULD have played out has been playing out in my mind and I can't help but wonder if it would have been better...for me, for Mom, for everyone. Where would we all be if it had been like that instead? It is like those things, which mean nothing anymore, are haunting me. It is hard to stop thinking something when you have no idea why you are thinking it...except that you are depressed.
   
and the Ugly:
     So this one I am pretty disappointed about. I felt like I was doing okay in terms of eating this month. Not great...I had no illusions that I was dieting, but I did think I was doing better than I had been doing last year. When the year started I weighed myself and I was at 187. I was hoping that I was down to 185. My unofficial goal had been to get to 175 by my birthday in April. I didn't say it in the blog because I don't want my weight to be my focus this year. I want to do better, I want to be more healthy but I don't want to nag myself to death with diets. Again, I did THINK I was doing pretty good. I weighed myself this weekend and I was at 191. Agggh!! I am not sue how I went up 4 pounds instead of down 2. I mean even staying where I was would have been okay but up 4 really kind of sucks. So now I am fighting with myself. Part of me wants to now begin nagging myself with a real diet. Just do it. I know I can and I know how. Whole 30 really worked for me but I need to get back to it if I want real results. It is hard though. I am still not feeling super strong and food has always been a comfort for me. I am not sure what I will end up doing. Right now though, feeling pretty crappy.
      Also trying to decide what to do with my hair. I have really liked it being short BUT (and I already knew this) my hair grows SO fast and it is hard to keep it cut so that it looks nice. So that means right now it has basically no style. So....as I said to my aunt recently, overweight and a bad haircut is not really my best look ever. I do know that feeling this bad about my appearance is another symptom of my depression. On the other hand I also know that I need a hairdo and a diet.

So...I don't know what to say overall. I think there is more good than bad to report. But on some days the bad feels much more weighty. I guess that is what it means to persist. That I will keep doing.

Time To Write

Yesterday my friend Karissa posted a blog called What's Saving My Life Right Now and she talked about the somewhat mundane things of life that are actually important and how they are saving her life. It was beautiful. Click above to read if you are interested. Half joking I commented that the only answer I could come up with to that question was diet dr. pepper. Only the thing is, it wasn't really a joke. It is kind of the truth. Life has just become a big blur for me lately. I know I don't feel good. I know I am stressed. I know I have things I have to get done. I do them as well as I can. I go to bed. I get up, drink as much caffeine as possible. Guzzle and repeat. Kind of depressing huh?

Now that is not to say there is nothing good in my life. There totally is. Even in her blog Karissa mentions a night that we went out to a reunion show of a band we used to follow. This band was SO significant to me. They were the band that turned me on to local music, which basically changed my life. Stumbling across them was the reason I met a whole new group of people and started a totally new and amazing phase of my life. It was awesome to go to their show. I had so much fun. I was like a kid on Christmas morning that night. To think about it makes me smile now. But it seems so far away from me. It is like this moment in time that I had, that was great but...it just isn't really part of my life somehow.

 

this is us years ago (not the very first concert but way back...) and the other night

That is how everything feels to me these days. Disjointed. I have amazing moments in time but then I just go back to the routine. I don't know how to bring my life back together. I don't like the way I am feeling and I think I need to do something about it.

To some extent...I can't. Some of this is physical. The last time I really felt good I was on B-12 shots weekly. Now I am not on them at all. I can tell a HUGE difference. I don't go back to the doctor about that till early next month. That is a long time to wait, but at least it is on the books. Hopefully she can help me figure out how to get back to feeling the way I did before (preferably without needing weekly shots!) Also I JUST started physical therapy. That usually doesn't do much for me but...here is hoping. You never know.

Some of it is stress related. There has been SO much going on in my life. A lot of that I can't really change. So all I can do is try to deal better. One way I have decided to try to do that is to start writing again. I said back in December that I was taking that month off of writing to get moved and then this year I couldn't wait to really devote time to it. I haven't written. Anything. At all.

I am scared to write. I have zero ideas about my story. I don't know where it needs to go. I think if I try to write right now it will be boring and depressing b/c that is how I feel. I think it will be bad because I feel like everything I try to do ends up a disaster. I have no confidence in myself or my story.

I remember an author at the literature fest I went to saying that writers block is just fear. She was totally right. She also said, write anyway.
I am going to try.

It might suck. I might end up deleting it all. I might not feel any better for having done it. But...it might really help me too.

When I was writing consistently I felt so much better. I had an outlet for my creativity and my mind. I was excited about finding time to do more every day. It gave me something to think about and look forward to all the time. I don't know if I can get there at this point because as I said, some of this is truly physical. However, it can't hurt.

If what I write is crap, I can always delete it. It is my story. I can re-write it as many times as I want. So...it is time for me write again.

Down the Rabbit Hole with Nothing to Grab

It might not always seem like it,but I try my best to stay positive. I try my best to see the best in things. I have my moments of despair, but I always know I will come through it. I know things will work out one way or another, I know my depression will lift and life will go on.

I have always been a responsible person. For whatever reason (and truly I don't know) my life hasn't gone the "normal" route. No one wanted to marry me and have kids. I didn't become a teacher like I always assumed I would. Basically I am so far away from what I pictured I would be as an adult I wonder how anyone can recognize me. But despite all of that, I have always taken care of my life. I have always been in control.

I have never truly felt I was unable to take care of myself. My dad often fixes the car or does handy work for me, but I have always paid for it. I have never had "a lot" by any means. I never had a real security blanket where money was concerned, but I was good enough that I was not concerned. I have always been the one who could help others. I "lent" money never expecting or asking for it back. I paid more than my share of the rent b/c I could handle more than anyone else. I bought people things I knew they needed even if there were things I needed myself. I was just that kind of person.

I have always felt like my one real gift in life was taking care of others. Even as a child people laughed and called me "mother hen" and said I shouldn't give so much of myself to others. It was who I was, though. It was what made me me, and what kept me able to enjoy life even when things didn't seem that great.

Today I feel like nothing about me is true or real. I have no positive thoughts to hold on to. I often write when I am down so it probably seems I am often at this point, but in truth I am not. Today I am. I do not see how anything in my life will work out. I do not know how I can possibly live this life and deal with the things in it on my own. I cannot take care of myself, much less anyone else and that makes me feel worthless and like I have no purpose for being here.

I have failed in every way I can imagine and I do not know where to go from here. I am afraid and I am sad and alone. Every source of strength I can think of fails me and I feel that there, too, I have failed.

I'm Cranky and I Know It...

So I have been in a crappy mood lately. Pretty much all the time. It is not me and I do not like it. Now don't get me wrong, I know I am not exactly Ms. Sunshine ever. I don't like mornings, I don't like hot weather, I get sick a lot...I can be a grumpy Karla. But lately it is just like NOTHING makes me happy. Well that is not exactly right, a lot of things make me happy but even while I am happy I am still crabby on the inside. And basically...I am struggling to keep it from seeping out!!

I am level headed enough to understand there are several things going on. First...I am in the midst of changing medicines. I have been on the same birth control for over 6 years now and about 2 months ago I switched. My old bc had no estrogen in it. My doctors thought estrogen was causing some negative reactions for me back then so they removed it from the equation. Now, however, it seems I don't have enough of it so...they are loading me back up. Hello mood swings and craziness!! Mess with my hormones and emotions much? Oh yeah! Even at 2 months in I can tell I  have not evened out. I am so quick to cry (while this is fairly normal for me anyway right now it is like 300 times worse!), and even quicker to get upset. That is the one that is making me crazy. I hate feeling negative feelings all the time.

Another thing that is going on is just some basic depression (no doubt made worse by the medication issues). I have always struggled with this. I was diagnosed many years ago with "reoccurring" severe depression. So not that I always have it but occasionally it hits me, and it tends to hit hard. I have been to counselors and done all my reading. I know how to recognize the signs and what I need to do. A large bit of this is because of my recent health issues and surgery. Undergoing something so major is...well major. Even if it had gone completely smooth (it didn't really) it is just a big deal both physically and emotionally. Plus there is a lot going on around me. The people in my life are having major changes (marriages, babies etc.) and I tend to personalize things. I don't know if that makes sense but when those I love are going through things I tend to take on the stress, the joy...whatever it is! I know I should learn to let go but...it is a work in progress. My own life is full of changes as well. Owning my own home is amazing but stressful. I recently got a new car, again awesome but expensive. Michael is not with me as often which often makes me sad. There is just a lot going on!

I think what bothers me the most, and most makes me know things aren't right is how angry/jealous I am all the time. I hate that. So often these days I find myself getting so defensive. Especially on facebook (I know the bane of every one's existence right?). When anyone complains about something I immediately get so upset. How dare you complain? Do you have any idea how much you have to be happy about? Don't you know what I would give to have....fill in the blank. Now I know this is insane. I have things to be thankful for, and they have trials just as much as I. But inside my head/heart I don't care. I don't care that even as I struggle I am still "lucky" in this world by any reasonable standards. I don't care that I am crazy happy for these people and the things they have. I am just jealous and angry at them for not being thankful and...quite frankly I hate it.  I am tired of feeling this way!!

The other big thing is a total lack of energy. The moment I open my eyes in the morning I am already tired. I think getting out of bed has become one of the hardest tasks of my day. I go to work but struggle to stay focused and useful. After work I come home and plop in front of my TV or go straight to bed. I simply am tired...all the time. This is partly due to my fibromyalgia, but partly (and I think largely right now) to do with my funkiness. I want to see my friends (and often get very irritated and defensive when I feel like I have not seen anyone) but I don't want to actually GO to see them. I want my house to be clean (and live in a state of irritation that it is not) but don't feel like actually DOING anything about it. Etc. Etc.

So...to you all I apologize. Even if I never said out loud the cranky thoughts in my head, I am still sorry. And to those who have been dealing with my lethargy and general worn-outness, again I am sorry. Hopefully this medicine will take hold soon and work itself out. I am doing my best to take the small things I can control and get them under control. I am striving to move past this funk. I will certainly be glad to see it go.