One Word

I don't do New Year's Resolutions. Nothing against them but I never found myself keeping them and it seems to me that you can, and should, set new goals at anytime that you realize you need to. So...I just don't do that. For several years now, though, I have been choosing a word of the year. It is just a simple idea that really appealed to me and that I have come to truly love. At the beginning of each year you choose a word (for the past few years I have actually made it a phrase but this year I am returning to an actual word) that you make your own for the year. For me it is a word to focus on. To grab for when I feel I am drowning, to celebrate when I am doing well, to ground me in what I wish to do and be. I say that but it is not actually a thing I want to DO or an act that can be accomplished. I will not achieve a state of this word. I will just strive for it. I will remember it. I will pray for it. I will reach for it. I will work toward it. I will miss it - by leaps and bounds. I will get tired of it and even abandon it some days. But it will be my word and I will hold it in my heart this year.

I don't think I have ever done this before but my word for this year is almost a reaction to my phrase from last year. I loved my phrase and I needed my phrase, but I also need to move on from it now. My phrase has been: Nevertheless She Persisted. And I have. Just barely, it feels like on this New Years Eve as I sit alone in my parent's house with some new odd physical ailment driving me crazy and with a million things on my mind. Despite everything I kept going. This past year has been awful and I have needed a phrase I could grab onto, some days even just with the tips of my fingernails.

I have decided that is not enough for me anymore. I obviously need to keep going. I know there are still going to be days when just persisting will be all I can hope to do. But my focus this year - the word in my heart - is not going to be to just make it despite it all. I want more. Two separate friends of mine during this past year focused some attention on this word and I loved it so I  am stealing it from them to use this year:

This year I want to flourish. I have thought a lot about this word and what it means. At the top of this post is a definition of the word. To thrive, to do well, to have a period of productivity or excellence. These are the things I want for myself and for my world. I have realized, however, that I have to stop trying to dictate exactly what that might mean and learn to flourish wherever I find myself. As I searched for images of the word flourish another word that showed up with it a lot was bloom and I like those two words together - to bloom where you are planted - to flourish where you are. That is what I seek. 

I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to make my life look a certain way. The way I wanted it to look. And the fact that it does not look that way has caused me great pain and disappointment. What I seek to find this coming year is a way to flourish in what my life DOES look like. To grow and thrive where I am rather than where I thought I should be. I have NO IDEA what this year will hold for me. There are so many things up in the air right now about my future I can't even process them in my head let alone begin to write about them yet. So rather than try to create a picture of what I want my life to look like, I simply want to flourish within the life I have.

A print of this has been hanging in my house for several years now. This year it has renewed meaning for me and I hope it will begin to become more and more true as I begin to bloom and flourish in new ways

It Was What It Was...So What's Next?

So a few years back I started choosing a word of the year at New Years, and rather than having particular 'resolutions' it would be my goal to focus myself on that word all year. Last year rather than one word I picked the phrase, "It is what it is". It was perfect for my year.

So many insane, horrible and unbelievable things happened. But they weren't really unbelievable. They just...were what they were. It was life. I knew it was all coming. I knew it would be horrible and it was. There were moments of great joy and beauty as well - the birth of my niece Haven, the support and love of friends and family, my friends celebrating my 40th birthday with me. But again, it just was what it was. It was beauty in the midst of pain. Moments of peace in the middle of chaos.

And not just for me, by all accounts 2017 was a crazy year. It was crazy politically. It was crazy weather. It was crazy everything. So I feel like, again, I choose well last year. I was covering my bases because I knew that it would be a year of...it is what it is.

Now it is time to choose again. It is time to look back, shake off the insanity, the sadness and the loss and move ahead. I have considered several words/phrases for this coming year:

1. Loss - a part of me still feels so lost right now and so defined by all of the loss that I have seen that this seems to be the most appropriate word for me. I lost not only my Mother, my rock and friend, but so many other touchstones of my life last year. I lost (by choice) my job of nearly 17 years, my home that I had imagined myself living in forever, and my idea of what my life was going to look like long term. These are things that are still rocking me and that I still need to learn to handle and come to terms with - and I hope that I do that this year, but I do not want my entire life to focus on that for the year so I decided NO to this word.

2. Self-Care - My Mom once told me that I needed to find a purpose for my life and I told her that I believed my purpose was to help others. I still believe that to be true. Not only do I believe it but I have taken numerous personality, occupational etc. tests and they all agree with me. I find my greatest sense of both self and purpose in helping other people. Every single one of those tests, however, also warn that people who are like that tend to get burnt out by not taking care of themselves as well. I used to think that was silly, but have learned that I can actually see the signs when that is happening to me. One of the negatives of this type of personality is that we (people like me) can begin to feel bitter if others do not extend the same kind of care and giving that we extend towards them. Now...let's be clear. THAT is not self giving, that is selfishness. But it happens. When I am getting tired and worn down I start to feel that way, and I know it is time - that I need to care for myself a bit. This year I definitely need to do that. As I mentioned above, the amount of feeling loss that I am dealing with is overwhelming and I need to focus on myself to deal with that. HOWEVER, it is also true that I would not be being myself if I just focused on myself and stopped being a person who helped others. I would not want to be that person. So while self-care is a part of my plan this year, it will not (I hope ever) become my focus.

3. Gypsy - when Dad and I left for California this fall my sister said to me that I was going to make a good Gypsy. I agree. I LOVE to travel. I LOVE not having a job that I have to go to every day. I LOVE that if someone needs me I can go wherever I am needed or wherever I want to (as money allows of course, which without a job is a problem). At the same time I don't think I am quite the person to pull this off totally. I finished an online test/interview today for a work at home job. I am not sure if I got it yet or not but...hoping I did as I actually enjoyed it. I think that I want to embrace a new kind of reality - one that leaves me open to spending more time with people than with work. One that focuses more time on relationship than on finances, and has more openness to new experiences and opportunities. On the flip side, I missed home...A LOT while I was out traveling so I am not ready to dub myself a total Gypsy just yet.

4. So...I think I know what I am going to go with. When I say this many people are going to automatically assume I am being political. Maybe I am, a bit, but mostly NOT. Mostly this phrase completely explains how I feel about where I am right now and what I need to do this year. It is a phrase rather than a word. I contemplated using either of two of the three words in the phrase, and both would have been good - but only with all three together does it really work the best. My phrase for 2018 will be:

I want to break down all three words and why they are so important to me

Nevertheless - as I said, so many things feel SO wrong to me right now. So much is out of place for my personal life but also just for life in general. We have a President right now that I completely am opposed to. We have threats of war literally hanging over our heads in a way that we never have, in my lifetime. We have old systems in place that are no longer working but people that refuse to let them go. We have leaders who could/should be introducing new ideas but seem more interested in personal gain/power than in doing the right thing. We have children who are still starving and living without shelter in the world. How is that even possible in this day and age of such advanced technology and well-being? Disease is rampant and tearing families apart. Even in our country of such blessing many cannot afford health care.  We are fighting about who can live where. The world is a scary place. All of this is constantly on my mind and in my heart. I know that some of this is because I am dealing with depression. That does not make any of it any less real or terrible. There are a lot of bad things in this world. Thank God for the word....NEVERTHELESS

She - anyone who knows me knows that I have always been a bit of a feminist. I like to sound off about how things aren't fair for women but should be. I get annoyed if a man refuses to walk through a door I am already holding open. Come on dude. Yes I love it when you are polite, why can I not be polite too? That kind of thing. But the past few years I have so proud of the leaps and bounds that women are making in this world! Hallelujah for Wonder Woman this year! And I don't care if you didn't like her or that she didn't win but we had a Presidential candidate that was a woman a year ago! That is good news. And men are being fired who abused women. And women are finding courage to stand up and tell their truths about men who abused them. Wow. I know there are  a lot of mixed feelings about these things and truthfully that they are not always simple, and that is why I have always been kind of a quiet feminist. Everyone knows I sort of am one but I try not to rock the boat too much. But you know what? I am tired of that. I am tired of not being proud of being a woman. My Mom left me a letter to read after she died and it meant the world to me. But the one line that struck me the most - that is blazed on my heart forever is this - never doubt yourself!! - I have decided not to. I was proud last year to march in the Women's march with my friends and some of my workers from school. Many family members and others were not happy with me but...I am sorry. I am who I am. I am a proud....SHE

Persisted - I have to be honest with you. This word means something different to me every single day. There are days when it means nothing more than I woke up, I made it through the day and I somehow fell back asleep again. I persisted. I know I will probably still have days like that ahead of me. But I also know that I interviewed for that new job. I am working on cleaning up the house with Dad's help. I am trying to find a balance of staying in my life in Nashville and yet having a life here in Manchester too. I have begun to think about writing ideas again. I have begun to discuss podcast particulars with Karissa. I have stopped simply taking more medication and going back to bed every time I don't feel good in any way. There are so many ways to define that word, and I am not limiting myself or boxing myself in to any particular meaning. I am determined to continue, though. I think that this year, for me, that is the most important goal of all....PERSISTED

So that is where I am. That phrase is what I am going to try to embody this coming year. It may mean different things as the year progresses...that is okay. I am feeling flexible. I am feeling ready, or you know, at least ready to try. 2017 I will not miss you. I will miss so many things that you took from me - forever and always - but to you I am so eager (thus the post two days early) to say Good-Bye!

A Joyful Grump

So my word for the year in 2016 was Joy. I don't think I have to even say anything before most people will laugh out loud. This year has pretty much been a disaster for everyone it seems! A crazy year at the very least. But the question is, as the year comes to a close, was I able, despite the craziness that was 2016 - to focus on Joy?

I think a lot of people who read my blog posts, or even who keep up with me via facebook probably doubt it. In fact I know there are those of you who worry about my mental well-being, and I appreciate the care for sure. The truth is, though, I tend to talk so much more (or type so much more) when I am down than when I am happy and the result is that I seem very depressed and/or very upset more often than I really am. I hope the reality is a little more balanced.

2016 has been...quite a year!

 The year began with me back in my home - and happy to be there! Also Michael began attending his home school campus twice a week rather than doing a total at-home home school curriculum. For me this was awesome news, it meant he was staying with me a few days each week! It was awesome having that consistent time with him again. He started out in my guest (aka empty) room on an air mattress but over the semester we were able to get it together and purchase a bed as well as decorate it for him with Doctor Who, Marvel and various other 'characters' he loves. It was a lot of fun.

When he went home for the summer I had another guest come and use my now functional guest space - my grad school roomie Katrina got a job at Trevecca (yay!) and needed to come to Nashville before the rest of her family was ready to make the move so we got to be roommates again for a short time. That was a lot of fun. (and apparently we took NO pictures during that month...)

Shortly after that, and much less fun, my Mom's cancer returned and she had a second brain surgery. The plan had been for her to only stay at my house for a few days but she had some complications this time and surgery was much harder on her. We ended up back in the hospital for an extra weeks stay and then she and my Dad lived with me for quite some time after that. Of course I am always okay with having them around but would have preferred much different reasons.

When Mom's strength returned they went back to Manchester, and then late this Fall my Best Friend Sylvia and her kids came to stay with me and are currently living with me in what is becoming known as a my "hotel". Haha. 

I love it actually. When I was growing up my parents ALWAYS had people staying with us. We kept foster children, we had an exchange student, my parents constantly opened our home to people from church and/or from their work...it is a natural thing for me to offer the space I have to anyone who has need of space.

So those are the biggest things that have gone on this year. Obviously some  of them were good things, some bad. But there has been joy found in each visit with each person. And there have been many other smaller things as well. Some highlights (not in any order at all):

Hosting book clubs at work (and Game Night...not pictured)

Having the Carters nearby again/getting to know Isaiah/Mira better

I finished the first draft of my book!! (No picture)

YALLFEST 

15 years at Trevecca

Michael learned to drive

Memphis trip with Karissa

Selling Premier Again

Visits from Grandma & Grandpa, and Jami & Kendall

Meeting Austin 

Karissa did an author talk at my library

Meeting authors Scott Westerfield (!!!) and Rachelle Dekker

             Meeting Baby Oliver

       

Elizabeth visits/Serious Selfies

Braylee's Birthday

Thanksgiving with Family

Hosting Baby Shower for Haven

My 2 Besties

Michael School Dance

Catching up with Jacinda and Kim

My Birthday

Okay....so I am going to stop now because I doubt very many people are even still looking. Obviously I love pictures...and I love the people in my life! I have a lot of JOY!! And it has been very good for me this year to focus on that joy and look for it in the midst of some very dark and hard times. Did I always succeed? Oh no. I was a downright grump sometimes, some of you might be thinking that was true more often than not...I don't know. What I do know is that even when I was grumpy I was aware of the joys in my life. I could find them, I could point to them and as often as possible I tried to document them. MANY are not even mentioned here simply b/c I know I don't have the space to do so. It was a hard year. I know not what next year will bring. I am still contemplating what, if anything, I will choose as my focus for next year. There MIGHT be another forthcoming blog about it. There might not too. We shall see. But in the meantime...be joyful!
Despite 2016, even because of 2016...be joyful!

One Word 2016

So for the past two years in place of resolutions on New Years I have chosen a word. A word to focus on through-out the year. A word to seek in the coming year I guess. The first year I did it I picked the word Honesty and...well honestly I didn't really get it that year. I think I sort of just picked the word and then forgot it for the most part. Last year I almost didn't do it again b/c of my lack of focusing or seeking in the first year, but ultimately I decided to try again and I choose the word Simplicity. I didn't just pick the word though, I read about it and I sought to find ways to incorporate it into my life. I actively sought it and that made all the difference. My life last year was not simple, but I was able to grab a hold of the idea of simplicity and let it ground me even when things were chaotic. I hope to continue doing that even as I move on to another word.
My word for this year is one that I feel comes naturally on the tails of simplicity. For me simplicity came to mean, most of all, seeing and living each moment for itself. Not getting too caught up in the bigger picture and in future (or past) worries but just living simply in the moment. What I want to do this year is seek ways, within those moments, to find joy.

So, yes, JOY is my new word for the year. It is a hard word for me to choose in some ways, and yet in some ways the most natural word of all. Natural because it has always been one of my favorite words. When I was younger I liked the song 'You've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in your heart' that my sister learned in her Sunday School class - only I was too young to deal with all those complicated lyrics so I (apparently) just wandered around singing "Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy"....pretty  much all the time. My grandpa still sings it out sometimes when I come into the room. It makes me happy that he remembers me that way! And when I look at inspirational quotes or especially Christmas decorations I am always drawn toward the ones with JOY in them. In my office I have a sunflower painting with the scripture quote about having a Joyful heart. I just love the word joy.
But it is a double edged sword for me. I think the reason I am so drawn to it is because I don't naturally  feel it. I am not a particularly joyful person. In fact I am pretty much a downright pessimistic grumpy person if you want to know the truth. I don't know why, it is just how I am. I have always been that way. I am attracted to sad songs and I assume the worst about any and every situation. When I was a young teenager this caused a lot of angst for me because I believed for a long time this meant there was a problem with me. That I was damaged somehow, and that particularly I was not a good Christian because I did not feel this constant 'Joy' that other Christians claimed to feel. I have since realized that is not true, that we are not all alike and do not all experience things the same way. The relief, the joy even, that I felt when a pastor/teacher I trusted said the words, that some of us feel joy differently than others, is something I cannot begin to explain.
Joy is not the same thing as happiness. I really hate when I see the "inspirational" signs that say choose happiness. I don't believe that is possible. Things happen to us, things that we have no control over ,things that might very well make us very unhappy. It has taken me a long time to realize that I do not have to feel guilty for being unhappy about those things. My Mom has cancer and I am not happy about it. I have very poor health, that does not make me happy. Etc.. Etc. And in some ways those things are the reason I was hesitant to choose the word Joy this year. There are a lot of things that could happen this year that would make me very unhappy. But that does not mean I cannot have joy. I think I hesitate because I am afraid people will read this and then have an expectation of me being happier suddenly...not going to happen. Especially not suddenly! I am not seeking happiness (per se). I am seeking Joy.

I am seeking to live my life - just the way it is...unhappy parts and all...and find joy within it. I am seeking to be okay with who I am, where I am and what I do. A friend said she wanted to be open to just being okay with her life this year. That is exactly what I want too. But I don't think I do that very often. I think I overlook the joyful moments - not always, but too often.

So this year that is my word, and my goal. Not to change myself or my world in any particular way - although of course I hope I am always working to better myself consistently - but instead to focus on, to search for, and most of all to appreciate the JOY in life.

Honestly Honest

So I have been pondering for the past few weeks what, if anything, I should write as a wrap up to my last year's focus word of honesty. It was my first year doing 'one word' and I truly enjoyed that experience. I decided to do it again and I have told many others about it. I feel it really did help me focus on one thing that was important to me in a way that resolutions and goals never have. It was an interesting journey, to say the least, but I find myself at a loss  about how to tell it with any amount of success.

My word was honesty and I think for me the biggest part of my journey has been learning what this word means. I thought the year would be about me being honest, but instead it was facing what it means to be honest. What it means to be honest in different contexts and to different people. This year I have been faced with issues and ideas that have really stretched me, in good and bad ways, and they have made me realize that honesty is honestly not always simple.

Where I work certain things are acceptable and others are not. Most of these things are right on target with my personal beliefs so this is a blessing. Occasionally, though, they are not. Occasionally what I think and what the corporate belief is are not the same. What does honesty mean in that situation?

My parents and I have similar differences of opinions about things. They are always open to my views and to discussions about them, but I have no desire to hurt them or to cause them discomfort for my own sake.

Is that dishonest? If I back down for the sake of my job or for the sake of respect for others? Sometimes I think it is. Maybe always it is, but sometimes it is worth it. That is the journey that I have been taking with honesty, though, and I am still on that journey. My year is over but my searching for answers is not. I have faced with honesty that this is an issue in my life. Maybe that is the most honest I can be.

The One Where I Choose One Word

So I have several friends who are doing THIS thing this year. Basically instead of making New Years resolutions or a list of goals you choose one word that you are going to allow to be who/what you are for the year. My friend Karissa chose the word grow. It is perfect for where she is in her life right now. I like the idea. I am not sure if I think there is ONE word that can sum up a person or even a part of a person's life, but I decided I wanted to try it this year and see what I thought.

So now, to choose a word. Obviously there are a lot of words. Many choices I could make, and many that would be worthwhile. There is one that keeps coming back to me, though and so I am going to go with it. My one word, is honesty.

This year I want to be honest about everything. Honest, first and foremost I think, with myself. Honest about my feelings - both good and bad. Honest about how I am doing and what progress I am, or am not, making. Honest about things I need to do, and honest about some things I will never do and should let go of.

I want to be honest (though always kind) with those I interact with. I think our world is so full of lies. Promises made and expectations given that honestly, are just not ever going to come to life. I want to be a place where peole can come for truth.

I think this blog will be a good place for me to come to try to live that honesty out loud. I hope that has always been true, but I want it to intentionally be so. So...here I go. 2014...the year I was honest.

P.S. Honesty is also the name of this beautiful flower...I love it