It isn't just since the year has begun. It has been going on longer than that. Partially it is physically. I have focused on that since the new year began and had my doctor dive in do and a WHOLE BUNCH of tests. She says nothing is wrong. Well nothing new. She thinks I am having a particularly bad fibro flare. And also, an attack of depression. Neither of these are new diagnoses. These are things I struggle with from time to time. Well fibromyalgia I struggle with daily, but from time to time it flares up and really challenges me. And if my reoccurring depression decides to join in, well then life gets super interesting. Or rather, super not.
I have spent many days in bed.
Simply because I hurt too much and I was too overwhelmed by that and by everything else to get out.
Other days I have made it to work and then come home only to melt onto my couch. I have watched episode after episode of TV shows. I honestly couldn't tell you what they were about. It was just something to occupy my mind. Keep it from running amok and causing me to get too emotional.
So my doctor has changed up some of my prescriptions. And I am working on some plans of coping better/in more healthy ways. To be honest these things have to run their course. And I have to make it through them. I have to flourish anyway. Or at least not totally wither away. Not too long ago my sister posted this on facebook. It gave me such a feeling of peace.
It is such a simple truth. But truth. Flourishing isn't about being a flower. It isn't about a finished product at all. It is about growth. It is about going to the doctor and talking to her about what is going on. It is about acknowledging things are not great right now and spending days in bed if that is what I need, and then getting up and doing something to change the next day. It is about changing my expectations.
I have been talking with several of my closest friends lately and and we are all going through major changes in our life. All very different. Some are changing careers, some going back to school, some going through divorce or hardships in marriage or relationships. Some are dealing with sickness - either themselves or of significant others. Some are facing huge decisions. But what I keep hearing over and over and over that is the same is that it is not what we EXPECTED to be doing at this age. It is not where we expected to be. We thought we would have things more figured out, be in more control.
I think that expectations are ruining realities. I want to be the kind of person who can learn to live and love the life I have. Not the life I thought I would have. Or that society thinks I should have. Or that my parents had. That is NOT easy. I am not sure how to get there. A big part of what is going on with me RIGHT NOW is that I had a lot of expectations of how moving back to Nashville was going to go. I imagined, or expected, certain things to happen that haven't. And some things I never guessed would happen have happened and...I am having trouble dealing with those things. That is not what I wanted. This was supposed to be MY TIME and it was supposed to go my way. But....some things take time.
My expectations are killing me. I think they are killing most of us. We need to learn to let go. To live in the now. To find the beauty in the now. Even in the days that feel like wilting. It is okay to stay in bed some days. It is okay to admit you are not doing as well as you expected. It is okay to let go of those expectations and just...do. Do something different. I want to see where it leads me next.
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