Thanksgiving Truths

Want to hear an ugly truth? I am not feeling very thankful this thanksgiving. It is the day after the holiday and I am sitting in my Grandma's living room and usually this is a place and time where I feel peace and love  - but this year, I am struggling. I have been struggling for awhile now. I haven't been blogging because no one wants to read about depression. And I don't really want to write about it.

I am not where I want to be. I don't mean here at Grandma's house. That is a good thing, even if I am not feeling it in my heart, I know it in my head. But just in my life in general. It has been 6 months since I moved out of Dad's house and back to Nashville. It wasn't an easy move but there was an excitement to it, a promise of new things and a range of possibility for myself I hadn't felt in a long time. I was anxious to prove myself at my new job, to show everyone I could make it on my own, to eat better and lose weight, to spend time with friends and have a healthy social life, to focus on me and learn to love my own life.

Instead I have gained weight, I am struggling to pay my bills, I am overwhelmed with responsibilities and I feel distant from those I love. I have tried to be more social but find myself frustrated (probably unfairly mostly) when people are not free when I feel like doing things and then often when they do want to do things I don't feel physically able to say yes myself. I am doing well at work, but I am having to find outside work in order to pay my bills and my stamina to do it all is often not there. 

I know what this is. I have been here before. Depression is a nasty disease. It sneaks in and convinces you that you cannot accomplish anything. That you are not good enough and that every failure is huge and more important than any success that may be happening simultaneously. It is telling me that my life is full of stress and that I will never break free from those things. It is telling me I am ugly and will continue to grow uglier. It is telling me I am broke and will never be able to take care of myself. It is telling me that I am alone and that no one really cares about me.

I know those things are not true. But depression is very persuasive. It is very smart and it sneaks in at your vulnerable moments. More ugly truth? Lately life has been a vulnerable moment for me. And holidays are even worse. I miss my Mom. I want to be doing better. I am worried about my Dad and my nephew. I want to be there for my friends the way I have been able to be in the past and I know I am not. All of those things make cracks where the depression thrives.

I can count my blessings. I absolutely know I have many and  I try to do that often, but the depression adds to each one of them....BUT.....

so I can say, I have a job...and depression adds BUT I don't make enough money

I can say I love my family and depression adds BUT so many of them are hurting and I don't know how to help

It goes on and on. Trying to feel thankful when depression is crowding your heart and mind is almost impossible. That is the ugly truth of this thanksgiving for me. And for many others I am sure. I don't write this for sympathy or so that you will all comment and assure me these things are not true. I know they are not. I know depression lies. I write it to fight those lies. I write it to say I will not lie. I will be honest about how hard it is. And I write it so others will know they are not alone. Depression is a lie. There are many hard things in my life. I wish many of them were different. But that does not mean I have nothing to be thankful for. 

I might not FEEL thankful but that does not mean I am not. I refuse to allow depression to take THAT from me. So Happy Thanksgiving from a grumpy me that is not really feeling it, but that loves you all anyway. And that is not giving up or giving in.