Flourished?

So it doesn't really feel possible to me that this year is almost over and yet within the week the year and the decade even, is over. My life has been a hot mess of change lately so it is interesting to reflect at this point.

My word for 2019 has been flourish. I was very excited about that as a word. I was very excited for it to happen in my  life. I guess the real question now is - did I accomplish it? Did I flourish this year?

It would be easy to say no. I tend to focus on the negative - it is something I am working on - but I can easily point to several things over this year that went wrong. Things I did wrong. Things I wish I had gone differently. But I am not going to list those things - I have probably already complained about them anyway. Ha ha. Instead I am going to focus on the good. I have decided to find 5 ways I HAVE flourished this year.

1. I own a home now!! This is huge for me. Not everyone supported my choice to move to Manchester or buy a home here but I believe that overall it was a good thing. An important thing for me to do. It feels good to have a place that is mine. To move past all the things I walked away from a few years ago and start a new life in the now. And my nephew is there with me right now which makes it even more home. It is hard to be further from people I love or want to spend time with but if I make that my priority and they make me a priority I believe it can happen.

2. I was in a play!! It has been 20+ years since I have acted. I had no idea how much I had missed it. Getting a part was a shock. How much fun I had doing it was like remembering a part of me long lost. It was kind of crazy hard to work all day and then go to rehearsal every night, but I loved it so much. I will do it again for sure. It reminded me to have more confidence in myself and to be more creative and to just love life.

3. I went out more. It might not seem like to everyone as I have many people I haven't seen in a while or that I keep missing, but the truth is I have been doing more. And/or maybe just doing different things. I painted this year! I haven't painted in several years. I am not any better than I used to be but I enjoyed it just as much as ever. I went to several concerts - something I used to do ALL the time but haven't been doing lately at all. And maybe more importantly I allowed myself to get lost in the music at concerts. It is rare that I don't enjoy live concerts, but I used to just let my whole world disappear in the loudness and chaos of it. I did that again this year. Not as often as I used to obviously but...it was good. It was cathartic - as it always has been. Music speaks to my soul in a way no other thing or person ever has.
4. I have been dating. I know  - WHAT? - right? Nobody get too excited. It hasn't been that much and it hasn't gone that well to be very honest but...it is kind of a big deal. It has been 10+ years since I have even given that part of my life any chance. There are many reasons for that - I was focused on my nephew, on my health, on my Mom. All of those things are true and valid but also...I was afraid. I wasn't good at dating even when I was skinny and young and did fun things. After two back surgeries, 50 lbs gained and a body that often gives out on me...I didn't feel I had anything to offer anyone. I still often feel that way to be honest - but I am trying. I am exploring. I am, dare I say it, flourishing a bit.
5. I have lost weight. So the reality is that I got to a really high all time high this past year and finally had enough. My health is bad enough without extra weight making it worse. My confidence is low enough with feeling too fat to be beautiful. I needed to lose the weight. And I did. Well I started to anyway. I have lost 30 pounds so far! Crazily it is kind of hard to see it. I still have 32 more to go so I am still very much over weight and I guess that is why. But I am ending this year at my lowest weight of almost 12 years. I am very proud of that and ready to work even harder to lose the second half (I have heard it is much harder).

So there you have it. Despite many flaws and many set backs and much floundering...I have to recognize some places I have flourished. And be proud. Not finished, not satisfied, not complacent, but proud.






**************I have decided this will be my last blog post on this site. I have been frustrated with not being able to make the changes I want to make for some time and at the start of this new year I will be starting a new blog as well. Once it is set up I will do a post here directing anyone who wants to follow to the new site. Thanks!******************************************************

More small things...

That are kind of huge depending on your viewpoint.

I debated about blogging about this just yet, I still have a long way to go. A really long way.
But then someone reminded me that I should be proud of how far I have come. And I am.

I have officially lost 22 pounds in the past three months. That isn't as big of a deal as it should be because the truth is, I had gotten to my highest weight ever. When I started at my current job (also when I first moved back to Nashville) I weighed what I do now. So in just under a year and a half I had GAINED 22 pounds. That is a lot. I finally realized it had to stop. And that I wanted better for myself. The truth is I gain weight when things are not going well. Stress eating is a BIG thing for me. Kind of a family trait honestly. But I don't want that to be me.

So I found something that is working for me. Dirty Keto. Not exactly keto, more like just low carb but some of the main tenants of keto are there. What is different, to me is very important. I do not prioritize fat intake. That is what always turned me off about keto. Everyone was always...you get to eat all the red meat you want. Only...I am not that big of a red meat fan. I mean every now and then sure but for me...chicken like 95% of the time. So this form of keto actually prioritizes protein. So chicken, actually way better for my numbers than steak. That works for me. It is NOT easy. Some people say that they don't feel hungry and they lose their desire for sweets....none of those things have happened to me. BUT it is getting easier as I go and I am getting better at it. At eating healthy rather than just worrying about getting the right numbers in. It is hard when even fruits and veggies are mostly high in carbs. But at the end of the day the group I follow believes that it is about calorie deficit. Sure we track carbs but anything can fit into our form of keto...if it fits your numbers, it fits. AND if you mess up - just get back up and start again.

So...I still don't feel great about how I look. I still worry I won't be able to maintain this lifestyle. BUT, I lost what I had recently gained. I am excited about that. On the other hand I am still way over weight. Basically I have 40 more pounds to go. That number makes me doubt I can do it. BUT I made it 1/3 of the way. I am proud of myself. I am bettering myself, in many ways. Weight loss is a big one. I am not giving up. Not this time.

It Was What It Was...So What's Next?

So a few years back I started choosing a word of the year at New Years, and rather than having particular 'resolutions' it would be my goal to focus myself on that word all year. Last year rather than one word I picked the phrase, "It is what it is". It was perfect for my year.

So many insane, horrible and unbelievable things happened. But they weren't really unbelievable. They just...were what they were. It was life. I knew it was all coming. I knew it would be horrible and it was. There were moments of great joy and beauty as well - the birth of my niece Haven, the support and love of friends and family, my friends celebrating my 40th birthday with me. But again, it just was what it was. It was beauty in the midst of pain. Moments of peace in the middle of chaos.

And not just for me, by all accounts 2017 was a crazy year. It was crazy politically. It was crazy weather. It was crazy everything. So I feel like, again, I choose well last year. I was covering my bases because I knew that it would be a year of...it is what it is.

Now it is time to choose again. It is time to look back, shake off the insanity, the sadness and the loss and move ahead. I have considered several words/phrases for this coming year:

1. Loss - a part of me still feels so lost right now and so defined by all of the loss that I have seen that this seems to be the most appropriate word for me. I lost not only my Mother, my rock and friend, but so many other touchstones of my life last year. I lost (by choice) my job of nearly 17 years, my home that I had imagined myself living in forever, and my idea of what my life was going to look like long term. These are things that are still rocking me and that I still need to learn to handle and come to terms with - and I hope that I do that this year, but I do not want my entire life to focus on that for the year so I decided NO to this word.

2. Self-Care - My Mom once told me that I needed to find a purpose for my life and I told her that I believed my purpose was to help others. I still believe that to be true. Not only do I believe it but I have taken numerous personality, occupational etc. tests and they all agree with me. I find my greatest sense of both self and purpose in helping other people. Every single one of those tests, however, also warn that people who are like that tend to get burnt out by not taking care of themselves as well. I used to think that was silly, but have learned that I can actually see the signs when that is happening to me. One of the negatives of this type of personality is that we (people like me) can begin to feel bitter if others do not extend the same kind of care and giving that we extend towards them. Now...let's be clear. THAT is not self giving, that is selfishness. But it happens. When I am getting tired and worn down I start to feel that way, and I know it is time - that I need to care for myself a bit. This year I definitely need to do that. As I mentioned above, the amount of feeling loss that I am dealing with is overwhelming and I need to focus on myself to deal with that. HOWEVER, it is also true that I would not be being myself if I just focused on myself and stopped being a person who helped others. I would not want to be that person. So while self-care is a part of my plan this year, it will not (I hope ever) become my focus.

3. Gypsy - when Dad and I left for California this fall my sister said to me that I was going to make a good Gypsy. I agree. I LOVE to travel. I LOVE not having a job that I have to go to every day. I LOVE that if someone needs me I can go wherever I am needed or wherever I want to (as money allows of course, which without a job is a problem). At the same time I don't think I am quite the person to pull this off totally. I finished an online test/interview today for a work at home job. I am not sure if I got it yet or not but...hoping I did as I actually enjoyed it. I think that I want to embrace a new kind of reality - one that leaves me open to spending more time with people than with work. One that focuses more time on relationship than on finances, and has more openness to new experiences and opportunities. On the flip side, I missed home...A LOT while I was out traveling so I am not ready to dub myself a total Gypsy just yet.

4. So...I think I know what I am going to go with. When I say this many people are going to automatically assume I am being political. Maybe I am, a bit, but mostly NOT. Mostly this phrase completely explains how I feel about where I am right now and what I need to do this year. It is a phrase rather than a word. I contemplated using either of two of the three words in the phrase, and both would have been good - but only with all three together does it really work the best. My phrase for 2018 will be:

I want to break down all three words and why they are so important to me

Nevertheless - as I said, so many things feel SO wrong to me right now. So much is out of place for my personal life but also just for life in general. We have a President right now that I completely am opposed to. We have threats of war literally hanging over our heads in a way that we never have, in my lifetime. We have old systems in place that are no longer working but people that refuse to let them go. We have leaders who could/should be introducing new ideas but seem more interested in personal gain/power than in doing the right thing. We have children who are still starving and living without shelter in the world. How is that even possible in this day and age of such advanced technology and well-being? Disease is rampant and tearing families apart. Even in our country of such blessing many cannot afford health care.  We are fighting about who can live where. The world is a scary place. All of this is constantly on my mind and in my heart. I know that some of this is because I am dealing with depression. That does not make any of it any less real or terrible. There are a lot of bad things in this world. Thank God for the word....NEVERTHELESS

She - anyone who knows me knows that I have always been a bit of a feminist. I like to sound off about how things aren't fair for women but should be. I get annoyed if a man refuses to walk through a door I am already holding open. Come on dude. Yes I love it when you are polite, why can I not be polite too? That kind of thing. But the past few years I have so proud of the leaps and bounds that women are making in this world! Hallelujah for Wonder Woman this year! And I don't care if you didn't like her or that she didn't win but we had a Presidential candidate that was a woman a year ago! That is good news. And men are being fired who abused women. And women are finding courage to stand up and tell their truths about men who abused them. Wow. I know there are  a lot of mixed feelings about these things and truthfully that they are not always simple, and that is why I have always been kind of a quiet feminist. Everyone knows I sort of am one but I try not to rock the boat too much. But you know what? I am tired of that. I am tired of not being proud of being a woman. My Mom left me a letter to read after she died and it meant the world to me. But the one line that struck me the most - that is blazed on my heart forever is this - never doubt yourself!! - I have decided not to. I was proud last year to march in the Women's march with my friends and some of my workers from school. Many family members and others were not happy with me but...I am sorry. I am who I am. I am a proud....SHE

Persisted - I have to be honest with you. This word means something different to me every single day. There are days when it means nothing more than I woke up, I made it through the day and I somehow fell back asleep again. I persisted. I know I will probably still have days like that ahead of me. But I also know that I interviewed for that new job. I am working on cleaning up the house with Dad's help. I am trying to find a balance of staying in my life in Nashville and yet having a life here in Manchester too. I have begun to think about writing ideas again. I have begun to discuss podcast particulars with Karissa. I have stopped simply taking more medication and going back to bed every time I don't feel good in any way. There are so many ways to define that word, and I am not limiting myself or boxing myself in to any particular meaning. I am determined to continue, though. I think that this year, for me, that is the most important goal of all....PERSISTED

So that is where I am. That phrase is what I am going to try to embody this coming year. It may mean different things as the year progresses...that is okay. I am feeling flexible. I am feeling ready, or you know, at least ready to try. 2017 I will not miss you. I will miss so many things that you took from me - forever and always - but to you I am so eager (thus the post two days early) to say Good-Bye!

Gold Star Baby

I particularly did NOT do New Years Resolutions, aside from my One Word , but I did set some writing goals for myself this year. They are very simple:

FINISH YOUR FREAKING BOOK!!!!

So if you know me, you know what I love to write and have always wanted to be a writer. However, I have a major problem with never finishing anything I begin to write. So I have been working on a story for over 2 years now, and it is an idea that I have had (in various forms) for over 20 years now and basically, I just really want to finish it. The truth is most of what I have written on it has been done in the past two years of NanoWriMo writing. I wrote 25,000 words in 2014, and then in 2015 I won (whoooooo hooooo) and wrote 50,000 words. Right now the story sits at 95,000 words. So that means that only 20,000 words have been written TOTAL outside of the 2 Novembers. So...that is pretty lame.

So I almost considered making my word of this year WRITE or NOVEL. But it is not who I need to be, but something I want to do, so I resisted. But in many ways I want to make this a year of writing. I want to work on this story until I finally have an ending. I want to give it to some writing friends and let them suggest edits (this scares me as much as ANYTHING I have ever done or contemplated doing) and eventually I want to have a completed novel. Something people can read. Possibly something I attempt to send to publishers. I am not sure I have that much confidence in my ability but regardless...I want to write a book.

It has always been a dream and I have decided...now is the time. This is the year. I WILL write a book.

One of the ways I am trying to help myself do this is to implement a means of reward and/or a feeling of an assignment for every day. When I was doing NanoWriMo there was a suggested word count for every day, and the computer would tell you if you reached it or not. Keeping up with that gave me a reason to sit down and make myself work on it EVERY DAY. I am not so good at pushing myself to do that (obviously). My writing buddy Karissa (who is way more of a writer than me) sent me a blog once about writing and that author said she kept a calendar and every day she met her word count goal she gave herself a gold star. 

This is my new goal in life....to fill my calendar with gold stars!!!

I have a calendar that is dedicated to ONLY this and it took a lot of looking but I finally found some gold star stickers and I am ashamed to admit that it is January 8th before I finally got to use one, but today I earned my first GOLD STAR of the year.

This picture brings me so much joy! I cannot wait to fill it up!I will give myself a star if I write at least 1000 words or (once the story is done) I spend an hour or more working on my manuscript in whatever form it needs. Those are not huge goals. I am not a full time writer, nor do I want to set impossible goals for myself. 

But I will finish this book.

 I will be an author. 

It is a dream I will not give up on!

One Word 2016

So for the past two years in place of resolutions on New Years I have chosen a word. A word to focus on through-out the year. A word to seek in the coming year I guess. The first year I did it I picked the word Honesty and...well honestly I didn't really get it that year. I think I sort of just picked the word and then forgot it for the most part. Last year I almost didn't do it again b/c of my lack of focusing or seeking in the first year, but ultimately I decided to try again and I choose the word Simplicity. I didn't just pick the word though, I read about it and I sought to find ways to incorporate it into my life. I actively sought it and that made all the difference. My life last year was not simple, but I was able to grab a hold of the idea of simplicity and let it ground me even when things were chaotic. I hope to continue doing that even as I move on to another word.
My word for this year is one that I feel comes naturally on the tails of simplicity. For me simplicity came to mean, most of all, seeing and living each moment for itself. Not getting too caught up in the bigger picture and in future (or past) worries but just living simply in the moment. What I want to do this year is seek ways, within those moments, to find joy.

So, yes, JOY is my new word for the year. It is a hard word for me to choose in some ways, and yet in some ways the most natural word of all. Natural because it has always been one of my favorite words. When I was younger I liked the song 'You've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in your heart' that my sister learned in her Sunday School class - only I was too young to deal with all those complicated lyrics so I (apparently) just wandered around singing "Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy"....pretty  much all the time. My grandpa still sings it out sometimes when I come into the room. It makes me happy that he remembers me that way! And when I look at inspirational quotes or especially Christmas decorations I am always drawn toward the ones with JOY in them. In my office I have a sunflower painting with the scripture quote about having a Joyful heart. I just love the word joy.
But it is a double edged sword for me. I think the reason I am so drawn to it is because I don't naturally  feel it. I am not a particularly joyful person. In fact I am pretty much a downright pessimistic grumpy person if you want to know the truth. I don't know why, it is just how I am. I have always been that way. I am attracted to sad songs and I assume the worst about any and every situation. When I was a young teenager this caused a lot of angst for me because I believed for a long time this meant there was a problem with me. That I was damaged somehow, and that particularly I was not a good Christian because I did not feel this constant 'Joy' that other Christians claimed to feel. I have since realized that is not true, that we are not all alike and do not all experience things the same way. The relief, the joy even, that I felt when a pastor/teacher I trusted said the words, that some of us feel joy differently than others, is something I cannot begin to explain.
Joy is not the same thing as happiness. I really hate when I see the "inspirational" signs that say choose happiness. I don't believe that is possible. Things happen to us, things that we have no control over ,things that might very well make us very unhappy. It has taken me a long time to realize that I do not have to feel guilty for being unhappy about those things. My Mom has cancer and I am not happy about it. I have very poor health, that does not make me happy. Etc.. Etc. And in some ways those things are the reason I was hesitant to choose the word Joy this year. There are a lot of things that could happen this year that would make me very unhappy. But that does not mean I cannot have joy. I think I hesitate because I am afraid people will read this and then have an expectation of me being happier suddenly...not going to happen. Especially not suddenly! I am not seeking happiness (per se). I am seeking Joy.

I am seeking to live my life - just the way it is...unhappy parts and all...and find joy within it. I am seeking to be okay with who I am, where I am and what I do. A friend said she wanted to be open to just being okay with her life this year. That is exactly what I want too. But I don't think I do that very often. I think I overlook the joyful moments - not always, but too often.

So this year that is my word, and my goal. Not to change myself or my world in any particular way - although of course I hope I am always working to better myself consistently - but instead to focus on, to search for, and most of all to appreciate the JOY in life.

Good Riddance 2013

So today is New Years Eve. Last year on this day, at this time, I was being prepped for surgery. I had been having horrible back  pains and nothing I took or did was helping with it so at the last moment my doctor said, it is time for a second surgery - and was nice enough to come in on New Years Eve to preform it so that it would go on the previous year's insurance.

Obviously I was nervous, having surgery on your spine will do that to you. I was more excited than anything though. I mean I had already had this surgery once so I felt like I knew what to expect, and I had high expectations. I thought this surgery was going to be the beginning of a great year. I went back and checked my posts from last year, I didn't post any goals or resolutions or what-not. I had them though. Mainly - to improve my relationship with Michael, to continue to lose weight (I had managed 25 pounds that year), and to improve my health.

When midnight came and the new year began I was lying flat on a hospital bed scared to death. I don't know if I was awake at midnight or not, but there is a good chance I was. During my surgery there had been 'complications'. My doctor explained to me when I woke up that NYE afternoon. There had been so much scar tissue from my first surgery that he had encountered trouble getting to my spine and had 'knicked something' causing spinal fluid to leak into my body. They called in another specialist who was able to stitch me back together, but now I had to lay perfectly flat for 24 hours to make SURE there was no more leaking. So...despite incredible discomfort from back surgery and the subsequent wound on my back I had to lay on top of said wound and pray that spinal fluid was not leaking inside my body.

Happy New Years.

Obviously the spinal fluid was not leaking, because I am still alive.

They say the way you spend NYE will determine how you spend the rest of the year. I am not at all a superstitious person, but I gotta say it certainly did not go uphill from there.

On New Years Day, once the spinal fluid danger was over my doctor further explained to me that he was able to do what he went in to do, but that upon seeing the depth of damage to my spinal cord he realized we should have done a completely different surgery. What he did should (and has) given me some immediate relief, but I was without a doubt going to be looking at another surgery in the coming years. Wow...thanks for that anticipation.

This  year has really sucked. Michael no longer lives with me. He went to spend Spring Break at his mother's house and just never came back. They decided it was time for him to come home. He called me on my birthday to give me this news. I always knew that was a possibility, but it was still quite a blow. I felt our relationship had been growing and that he had been making significant strides at school. I now only see him about once a month. Though I know he is happiest being with his mom I miss him terribly and worry about him constantly. Not seeing him often or being able to know he is okay has been very hard. He is still in my life and I would not give that up for anything, but the transition from almost all the time to almost no time has been very hard.

I have gained weight rather than lost it. This was for many reasons. Recouping from surgery was where it began...all you can really do is sit/lie around and it gets boring, so you eat. But mostly it was just from stress/depression eating. I have always reacted that way to things. I envy people who get sad and lose tons of weight. I mean...sorry you are sad but the good news you went down 2 pant sizes. Ha ha. Just kidding. I know it is not healthy to either over OR under eat for emotional reasons but...I do and I did. I have gained all but 7 of the 25 pounds I lost back.

I am in the toughest financial spot I have ever been in right now. I am not 100% sure how that happened, though largely it was due to medical bills. Surgery is not cheap and I have had several OTHER medical issues that were also not cheap. I have a great job, which I love and I make a decent wage, however I am single with a mortgage, student loans, a car payment etc. and my budget is a tight one. Medical bills of that amount are not included...so I used a lot of credit last year. Now I am in a lot of debt.

Speaking of which...tons of medical crap happened this year. Beyond surgery and complications from surgery, I have just had a tough year. Migraines have re-appeared on my horizon, at one point I had a crazy rash all over my body to which a dermatologist said "huh...I've never seen anything like that"....the stories go on and on.

So...end of my pity party recount of the year. 2013 sucked. Not totally. A lot of great things happened as well...

• My sister got married - and moved into a home that her new husband designed and built for them! I have never seen her happier and she has a great new family
• My little brother got engaged! I will soon have a new sister AND they are getting married in my back yard. I am pretty stoked about that.
• My friend Allison had a BEAUTIFUL baby boy Zek and I adore him (seen here)

• My friend Ann got married and I got to do pictures!
• My parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary and re-newed their vows. It was amazing and I was so happy to see them do this!

• My friend Sylvia had another GORGEOUS baby boy and I am totally smitten by him as well...

                 

 The first picture is me holding him for the first time, and then him sleeping b/c you can't see how cute he is in the one with me

• My friend Andrea had a baby GIRL named Sadie (who I haven't gotten to meet yet)
• My mom remained cancer free!!!  
• I went to Colorado for an amazing conference plus a visit to my cousins Elizabeth & Scott
• I went to Charleston SC for another amazing conference with two of my best friends

 I am sure there were other great things that happened this year, if I forgot yours I apologize. But I have to admit (to go back to my 2013 sucked theme) these things mostly happened to other people (except for the traveling which was wonderful). They all involved me to some degree and they all made/make me VERY happy. On low days, though, even those things remind me that not much amazing is happening to ME.I try not dwell there, usually holding one of those babies and/or reviewing pictures of the things will snap me out of that.

SOOOO....all of that to say - not, feel sorry for me (which is, I am sure, how it comes across) but rather....I am ready to GET OVER IT

2013 was not what I planned or hoped. It was worse than I feared. It sucked.

Bring it on 2014. I have no specific plans. I want to move on. I want to have a better outlook. I want to count my blessing and remember that even in such a sucky year I had/have A.M.A.Z.I.N.G friends and family that don't care if I am sad, fat and broke. They love me anyway. I have a job I love and a boss who cares about my well-being enough to work with all of my health issues. I have a home that I love. I have 2 cats who drive me BATTY but also make me very happy. (One of them is currently trying to cuddle with me so much I can hardly write this). I didn't die on NYE of last year.

I am here....and I am ready. Let's go 2014!

Day 11: Bucket List

July11: Top five bucket list items

I have never actually had a "bucket list" as such. I think because it has always seemed to me sort of a what would you do if you were dying type activity, which I just never bought into. I think we should live...to the absolute fullest we can. Not because we might die before we have a chance, but because there is so much to live for and do. Regardless of this, however, it is easy to list five things I have always wanted to do.

1. Go scuba diving. I LOVE water animals and just water in general. I have always wanted to learn to do this!

2. Sky Diving. Sadly this is something I will never be able to do because of my back problems and dizziness issues. So...possibly learning to fly a plane is a substitute.

3. Go on a cruise. I have never done this but am already making plans to accomplish this goal. The idea of being out on the water and having no stress about where to go sounds amazing!

4. Write a book. I have written about this before. I am not, at this point, motivated enough to make it a real priority so it may never happen. But it is a dream I have always had and I hope to see it happen someday.

5. Get my PhD. There was a time when this was not even a question for me. My plan was to be done with it no later than age 35. This year I turned 36. Obviously I have not achieved it. My life has changed so drastically since then that I am no longer sure if this will be part of my future. I have not given up on it completely though.