Flourished?

So it doesn't really feel possible to me that this year is almost over and yet within the week the year and the decade even, is over. My life has been a hot mess of change lately so it is interesting to reflect at this point.

My word for 2019 has been flourish. I was very excited about that as a word. I was very excited for it to happen in my  life. I guess the real question now is - did I accomplish it? Did I flourish this year?

It would be easy to say no. I tend to focus on the negative - it is something I am working on - but I can easily point to several things over this year that went wrong. Things I did wrong. Things I wish I had gone differently. But I am not going to list those things - I have probably already complained about them anyway. Ha ha. Instead I am going to focus on the good. I have decided to find 5 ways I HAVE flourished this year.

1. I own a home now!! This is huge for me. Not everyone supported my choice to move to Manchester or buy a home here but I believe that overall it was a good thing. An important thing for me to do. It feels good to have a place that is mine. To move past all the things I walked away from a few years ago and start a new life in the now. And my nephew is there with me right now which makes it even more home. It is hard to be further from people I love or want to spend time with but if I make that my priority and they make me a priority I believe it can happen.

2. I was in a play!! It has been 20+ years since I have acted. I had no idea how much I had missed it. Getting a part was a shock. How much fun I had doing it was like remembering a part of me long lost. It was kind of crazy hard to work all day and then go to rehearsal every night, but I loved it so much. I will do it again for sure. It reminded me to have more confidence in myself and to be more creative and to just love life.

3. I went out more. It might not seem like to everyone as I have many people I haven't seen in a while or that I keep missing, but the truth is I have been doing more. And/or maybe just doing different things. I painted this year! I haven't painted in several years. I am not any better than I used to be but I enjoyed it just as much as ever. I went to several concerts - something I used to do ALL the time but haven't been doing lately at all. And maybe more importantly I allowed myself to get lost in the music at concerts. It is rare that I don't enjoy live concerts, but I used to just let my whole world disappear in the loudness and chaos of it. I did that again this year. Not as often as I used to obviously but...it was good. It was cathartic - as it always has been. Music speaks to my soul in a way no other thing or person ever has.
4. I have been dating. I know  - WHAT? - right? Nobody get too excited. It hasn't been that much and it hasn't gone that well to be very honest but...it is kind of a big deal. It has been 10+ years since I have even given that part of my life any chance. There are many reasons for that - I was focused on my nephew, on my health, on my Mom. All of those things are true and valid but also...I was afraid. I wasn't good at dating even when I was skinny and young and did fun things. After two back surgeries, 50 lbs gained and a body that often gives out on me...I didn't feel I had anything to offer anyone. I still often feel that way to be honest - but I am trying. I am exploring. I am, dare I say it, flourishing a bit.
5. I have lost weight. So the reality is that I got to a really high all time high this past year and finally had enough. My health is bad enough without extra weight making it worse. My confidence is low enough with feeling too fat to be beautiful. I needed to lose the weight. And I did. Well I started to anyway. I have lost 30 pounds so far! Crazily it is kind of hard to see it. I still have 32 more to go so I am still very much over weight and I guess that is why. But I am ending this year at my lowest weight of almost 12 years. I am very proud of that and ready to work even harder to lose the second half (I have heard it is much harder).

So there you have it. Despite many flaws and many set backs and much floundering...I have to recognize some places I have flourished. And be proud. Not finished, not satisfied, not complacent, but proud.






**************I have decided this will be my last blog post on this site. I have been frustrated with not being able to make the changes I want to make for some time and at the start of this new year I will be starting a new blog as well. Once it is set up I will do a post here directing anyone who wants to follow to the new site. Thanks!******************************************************

To My Bethel Teens...20 Years later

Dear Bethel Youth group,
Last week we lost another one of us. I cannot stop thinking about the rest of you. Twenty years later. Where are you? What are you doing? How are you doing? I see some of you on Facebook and I love so much watching your lives unfold. If those of you who are on my page know of others who are not, please connect us. I would love that.

You all hold such a special place in my life. My first "kids" so to say. I had another youth group in Kansas City, who I adored. And I had a lot of other "kids" as I worked at Trevecca that were fantastic. But you all - Bethel - were the first. The first time I gave my  heart away completely. For me it was really simple. I didn't have to deal with the church stuff (that much) or the budget stuff. I wasn't the youth pastor. I just got to know you. To love you. To be a part of your lives. There were always three things I wanted for all of you - I wanted you to know that Jesus loved you, that I loved you, and that you were freaking amazing human beings.

You know what? NOTHING has changed. I want you to know these three things:

Jesus loves you.

I love you.

You are freaking amazing human beings.

Don't ever forget those things. Don't ever doubt those things. Go back and read them slowly and let them sink in.

I know we are all at different places in life. Some of us (that I know of) are doing awesome.

Did you know that Ashley Fussell is now an amazing counselor and all around champion of human rights? She encourages me with her wisdom and love all the time.

Did you know that Daniel Henley just went with his family on a trip of Europe? The pictures were amazing!

Did you know that Josh Zeller is a YOUTH PASTOR?? I love that! Actually I haven't been in contact with him for a while but I know he was for a time.

Did you know that Nathan Hancock literally travels the world with work and married the man of his dreams? That is right, I said man. And just in case I have not been vocal or public enough for those of you who, like Nathan, have been brave enough to declare for yourselves a love that looks different than the kind we grew up being told about, let me say it clearly. You have my 1000000% support and love. I am so happy for you!

Did you know that  Juli White's daugher just turned 20!! What? How is that possible? (FYI in my head you are all still in HS so the whole kids growing up thing is wild!!!)

I am not going to single out every one of you that I know about but...man I am proud of you. All of you. I know that some of us are probably not doing as well as those I just mentioned. Some of us are struggling. With money. With jobs. With relationships. With drugs. With all kinds of things. If that is you, oh my goodness...let me just say that - the truth is, I am right there with you! I am 42 years old, single, I have a job that pays crap and I don't even like that much. My car has no air conditioning. My Mom died a little over two years ago and I am still mentally a freaking mess about it. Sometimes life is hard. But you know what,

Those three things? Still. True.

Jesus loves you.

I love you.

You are a freaking amazing human being.

I am heartbroken that another one of 'us' died recently. Even though it has been 20 years and most of us don't see each other very often or have much contact, we are still a group. We are still a family. Never doubt that. If that means that you need to reach out to someone...please feel free to reach out to me. If it means you follow each other on Facebook and encourage each other silently (or with 'likes'), I am SO down with that. But never feel like you have no one. Remember the three things okay? Seriously. That is my prayer for all of you.

We miss you Ronnie.
We miss you John.
We miss you Josh.