Flourished?

So it doesn't really feel possible to me that this year is almost over and yet within the week the year and the decade even, is over. My life has been a hot mess of change lately so it is interesting to reflect at this point.

My word for 2019 has been flourish. I was very excited about that as a word. I was very excited for it to happen in my  life. I guess the real question now is - did I accomplish it? Did I flourish this year?

It would be easy to say no. I tend to focus on the negative - it is something I am working on - but I can easily point to several things over this year that went wrong. Things I did wrong. Things I wish I had gone differently. But I am not going to list those things - I have probably already complained about them anyway. Ha ha. Instead I am going to focus on the good. I have decided to find 5 ways I HAVE flourished this year.

1. I own a home now!! This is huge for me. Not everyone supported my choice to move to Manchester or buy a home here but I believe that overall it was a good thing. An important thing for me to do. It feels good to have a place that is mine. To move past all the things I walked away from a few years ago and start a new life in the now. And my nephew is there with me right now which makes it even more home. It is hard to be further from people I love or want to spend time with but if I make that my priority and they make me a priority I believe it can happen.

2. I was in a play!! It has been 20+ years since I have acted. I had no idea how much I had missed it. Getting a part was a shock. How much fun I had doing it was like remembering a part of me long lost. It was kind of crazy hard to work all day and then go to rehearsal every night, but I loved it so much. I will do it again for sure. It reminded me to have more confidence in myself and to be more creative and to just love life.

3. I went out more. It might not seem like to everyone as I have many people I haven't seen in a while or that I keep missing, but the truth is I have been doing more. And/or maybe just doing different things. I painted this year! I haven't painted in several years. I am not any better than I used to be but I enjoyed it just as much as ever. I went to several concerts - something I used to do ALL the time but haven't been doing lately at all. And maybe more importantly I allowed myself to get lost in the music at concerts. It is rare that I don't enjoy live concerts, but I used to just let my whole world disappear in the loudness and chaos of it. I did that again this year. Not as often as I used to obviously but...it was good. It was cathartic - as it always has been. Music speaks to my soul in a way no other thing or person ever has.
4. I have been dating. I know  - WHAT? - right? Nobody get too excited. It hasn't been that much and it hasn't gone that well to be very honest but...it is kind of a big deal. It has been 10+ years since I have even given that part of my life any chance. There are many reasons for that - I was focused on my nephew, on my health, on my Mom. All of those things are true and valid but also...I was afraid. I wasn't good at dating even when I was skinny and young and did fun things. After two back surgeries, 50 lbs gained and a body that often gives out on me...I didn't feel I had anything to offer anyone. I still often feel that way to be honest - but I am trying. I am exploring. I am, dare I say it, flourishing a bit.
5. I have lost weight. So the reality is that I got to a really high all time high this past year and finally had enough. My health is bad enough without extra weight making it worse. My confidence is low enough with feeling too fat to be beautiful. I needed to lose the weight. And I did. Well I started to anyway. I have lost 30 pounds so far! Crazily it is kind of hard to see it. I still have 32 more to go so I am still very much over weight and I guess that is why. But I am ending this year at my lowest weight of almost 12 years. I am very proud of that and ready to work even harder to lose the second half (I have heard it is much harder).

So there you have it. Despite many flaws and many set backs and much floundering...I have to recognize some places I have flourished. And be proud. Not finished, not satisfied, not complacent, but proud.






**************I have decided this will be my last blog post on this site. I have been frustrated with not being able to make the changes I want to make for some time and at the start of this new year I will be starting a new blog as well. Once it is set up I will do a post here directing anyone who wants to follow to the new site. Thanks!******************************************************

More small things...

That are kind of huge depending on your viewpoint.

I debated about blogging about this just yet, I still have a long way to go. A really long way.
But then someone reminded me that I should be proud of how far I have come. And I am.

I have officially lost 22 pounds in the past three months. That isn't as big of a deal as it should be because the truth is, I had gotten to my highest weight ever. When I started at my current job (also when I first moved back to Nashville) I weighed what I do now. So in just under a year and a half I had GAINED 22 pounds. That is a lot. I finally realized it had to stop. And that I wanted better for myself. The truth is I gain weight when things are not going well. Stress eating is a BIG thing for me. Kind of a family trait honestly. But I don't want that to be me.

So I found something that is working for me. Dirty Keto. Not exactly keto, more like just low carb but some of the main tenants of keto are there. What is different, to me is very important. I do not prioritize fat intake. That is what always turned me off about keto. Everyone was always...you get to eat all the red meat you want. Only...I am not that big of a red meat fan. I mean every now and then sure but for me...chicken like 95% of the time. So this form of keto actually prioritizes protein. So chicken, actually way better for my numbers than steak. That works for me. It is NOT easy. Some people say that they don't feel hungry and they lose their desire for sweets....none of those things have happened to me. BUT it is getting easier as I go and I am getting better at it. At eating healthy rather than just worrying about getting the right numbers in. It is hard when even fruits and veggies are mostly high in carbs. But at the end of the day the group I follow believes that it is about calorie deficit. Sure we track carbs but anything can fit into our form of keto...if it fits your numbers, it fits. AND if you mess up - just get back up and start again.

So...I still don't feel great about how I look. I still worry I won't be able to maintain this lifestyle. BUT, I lost what I had recently gained. I am excited about that. On the other hand I am still way over weight. Basically I have 40 more pounds to go. That number makes me doubt I can do it. BUT I made it 1/3 of the way. I am proud of myself. I am bettering myself, in many ways. Weight loss is a big one. I am not giving up. Not this time.

To Be (Fat) or Not To Be

So I have really been struggling a lot lately with the issue of my weight. Well...in many ways. Obviously I am struggling with the fact that it is too high. I do not want to weigh what I weigh or look how I look.

But internally I am struggling with that as well. Why does it bother me so much to be over weight? Why am I so ashamed of my body? Granted I am not exactly the embodiment of a healthy woman, but that is not why I want to lose weight. Not mainly. It would be awesome to feel better and be more healthy, but I know that is not the real motivating cause for me to lose weight. I want to look "better".

I hate that. What makes skinny better? What makes a certain weight acceptable and another not? What makes me SO repulsed by my own body that I literally have cancelled plans because I did not want someone to see me looking this way. Give me a few months, I said to myself, then when I feel better about myself I will feel so much better about seeing him again.

WHAT??!! I want to  yell at myself. That is stupid. If a person cannot enjoy being with you at this weight then who cares what they think a few months skinnier?

The truth...ME is the answer. I care! I want to be skinny again. I want to feel pretty again.

I also want to slap myself for not being able to feel comfortable enough in my own skin to feel that way now.

I wonder what it takes to make oneself feel truly comfortable with how they look. Honestly I look at other women my age and many of them are my size or close to it. We are starting to have grayer hair and wrinklier skin. But why is it that weight is the one thing I cannot seem to be okay with. The size pant I wear is more important to me than almost anything else I can think of.

WHAT? You say...that is crazy...it shouldn't be that important to you! Come on...get off it. The fact is we spend more time DIETING and trying to eat better and trying to journal our food intake and count our calories than almost anything else we do. They say if you look at where your mind and your actions go and you will see your priorities. My own priorities, and those of too many of my friends, are seriously out of whack.

I have no answers here. I don't want to be comfortable with how I look...I want to look better.
At the same time I desperately want to not want that. I think we, as a generation or a culture or whatever, have a problem with this issue. Some are on kicks that are more "healthy" than others and I applaud that. But truth be told...the bottom line is still weight loss. The pictures people post of their success is not of a lower blood pressure chart or what-not. It is of how good they look in a new dress. I am not condemning that, heck I do the same and am jealous when I cannot.

I just feel like...we must be missing something. Surely being skinnier than I am is not really the answer we are seeking.