Obviously I was nervous, having surgery on your spine will do that to you. I was more excited than anything though. I mean I had already had this surgery once so I felt like I knew what to expect, and I had high expectations. I thought this surgery was going to be the beginning of a great year. I went back and checked my posts from last year, I didn't post any goals or resolutions or what-not. I had them though. Mainly - to improve my relationship with Michael, to continue to lose weight (I had managed 25 pounds that year), and to improve my health.
When midnight came and the new year began I was lying flat on a hospital bed scared to death. I don't know if I was awake at midnight or not, but there is a good chance I was. During my surgery there had been 'complications'. My doctor explained to me when I woke up that NYE afternoon. There had been so much scar tissue from my first surgery that he had encountered trouble getting to my spine and had 'knicked something' causing spinal fluid to leak into my body. They called in another specialist who was able to stitch me back together, but now I had to lay perfectly flat for 24 hours to make SURE there was no more leaking. So...despite incredible discomfort from back surgery and the subsequent wound on my back I had to lay on top of said wound and pray that spinal fluid was not leaking inside my body.
Happy New Years.
Obviously the spinal fluid was not leaking, because I am still alive.
They say the way you spend NYE will determine how you spend the rest of the year. I am not at all a superstitious person, but I gotta say it certainly did not go uphill from there.
On New Years Day, once the spinal fluid danger was over my doctor further explained to me that he was able to do what he went in to do, but that upon seeing the depth of damage to my spinal cord he realized we should have done a completely different surgery. What he did should (and has) given me some immediate relief, but I was without a doubt going to be looking at another surgery in the coming years. Wow...thanks for that anticipation.
This year has really sucked. Michael no longer lives with me. He went to spend Spring Break at his mother's house and just never came back. They decided it was time for him to come home. He called me on my birthday to give me this news. I always knew that was a possibility, but it was still quite a blow. I felt our relationship had been growing and that he had been making significant strides at school. I now only see him about once a month. Though I know he is happiest being with his mom I miss him terribly and worry about him constantly. Not seeing him often or being able to know he is okay has been very hard. He is still in my life and I would not give that up for anything, but the transition from almost all the time to almost no time has been very hard.
I have gained weight rather than lost it. This was for many reasons. Recouping from surgery was where it began...all you can really do is sit/lie around and it gets boring, so you eat. But mostly it was just from stress/depression eating. I have always reacted that way to things. I envy people who get sad and lose tons of weight. I mean...sorry you are sad but the good news you went down 2 pant sizes. Ha ha. Just kidding. I know it is not healthy to either over OR under eat for emotional reasons but...I do and I did. I have gained all but 7 of the 25 pounds I lost back.
I am in the toughest financial spot I have ever been in right now. I am not 100% sure how that happened, though largely it was due to medical bills. Surgery is not cheap and I have had several OTHER medical issues that were also not cheap. I have a great job, which I love and I make a decent wage, however I am single with a mortgage, student loans, a car payment etc. and my budget is a tight one. Medical bills of that amount are not included...so I used a lot of credit last year. Now I am in a lot of debt.
Speaking of which...tons of medical crap happened this year. Beyond surgery and complications from surgery, I have just had a tough year. Migraines have re-appeared on my horizon, at one point I had a crazy rash all over my body to which a dermatologist said "huh...I've never seen anything like that"....the stories go on and on.
So...end of my pity party recount of the year. 2013 sucked. Not totally. A lot of great things happened as well...
- My sister got married - and moved into a home that her new husband designed and built for them! I have never seen her happier and she has a great new family
- My little brother got engaged! I will soon have a new sister AND they are getting married in my back yard. I am pretty stoked about that.
- My friend Allison had a BEAUTIFUL baby boy Zek and I adore him (seen here)
- My friend Ann got married and I got to do pictures!
- My parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary and re-newed their vows. It was amazing and I was so happy to see them do this!
- My friend Sylvia had another GORGEOUS baby boy and I am totally smitten by him as well...
The first picture is me holding him for the first time, and then him sleeping b/c you can't see how cute he is in the one with me
- My friend Andrea had a baby GIRL named Sadie (who I haven't gotten to meet yet)
- My mom remained cancer free!!!
- I went to Colorado for an amazing conference plus a visit to my cousins Elizabeth & Scott
- I went to Charleston SC for another amazing conference with two of my best friends
I am sure there were other great things that happened this year, if I forgot yours I apologize. But I have to admit (to go back to my 2013 sucked theme) these things mostly happened to other people (except for the traveling which was wonderful). They all involved me to some degree and they all made/make me VERY happy. On low days, though, even those things remind me that not much amazing is happening to ME.I try not dwell there, usually holding one of those babies and/or reviewing pictures of the things will snap me out of that.
SOOOO....all of that to say - not, feel sorry for me (which is, I am sure, how it comes across) but rather....I am ready to GET OVER IT
2013 was not what I planned or hoped. It was worse than I feared. It sucked.
Bring it on 2014. I have no specific plans. I want to move on. I want to have a better outlook. I want to count my blessing and remember that even in such a sucky year I had/have A.M.A.Z.I.N.G friends and family that don't care if I am sad, fat and broke. They love me anyway. I have a job I love and a boss who cares about my well-being enough to work with all of my health issues. I have a home that I love. I have 2 cats who drive me BATTY but also make me very happy. (One of them is currently trying to cuddle with me so much I can hardly write this). I didn't die on NYE of last year.
I am here....and I am ready. Let's go 2014!
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