So many insane, horrible and unbelievable things happened. But they weren't really unbelievable. They just...were what they were. It was life. I knew it was all coming. I knew it would be horrible and it was. There were moments of great joy and beauty as well - the birth of my niece Haven, the support and love of friends and family, my friends celebrating my 40th birthday with me. But again, it just was what it was. It was beauty in the midst of pain. Moments of peace in the middle of chaos.
And not just for me, by all accounts 2017 was a crazy year. It was crazy politically. It was crazy weather. It was crazy everything. So I feel like, again, I choose well last year. I was covering my bases because I knew that it would be a year of...it is what it is.
Now it is time to choose again. It is time to look back, shake off the insanity, the sadness and the loss and move ahead. I have considered several words/phrases for this coming year:
1. Loss - a part of me still feels so lost right now and so defined by all of the loss that I have seen that this seems to be the most appropriate word for me. I lost not only my Mother, my rock and friend, but so many other touchstones of my life last year. I lost (by choice) my job of nearly 17 years, my home that I had imagined myself living in forever, and my idea of what my life was going to look like long term. These are things that are still rocking me and that I still need to learn to handle and come to terms with - and I hope that I do that this year, but I do not want my entire life to focus on that for the year so I decided NO to this word.
2. Self-Care - My Mom once told me that I needed to find a purpose for my life and I told her that I believed my purpose was to help others. I still believe that to be true. Not only do I believe it but I have taken numerous personality, occupational etc. tests and they all agree with me. I find my greatest sense of both self and purpose in helping other people. Every single one of those tests, however, also warn that people who are like that tend to get burnt out by not taking care of themselves as well. I used to think that was silly, but have learned that I can actually see the signs when that is happening to me. One of the negatives of this type of personality is that we (people like me) can begin to feel bitter if others do not extend the same kind of care and giving that we extend towards them. Now...let's be clear. THAT is not self giving, that is selfishness. But it happens. When I am getting tired and worn down I start to feel that way, and I know it is time - that I need to care for myself a bit. This year I definitely need to do that. As I mentioned above, the amount of feeling loss that I am dealing with is overwhelming and I need to focus on myself to deal with that. HOWEVER, it is also true that I would not be being myself if I just focused on myself and stopped being a person who helped others. I would not want to be that person. So while self-care is a part of my plan this year, it will not (I hope ever) become my focus.
3. Gypsy - when Dad and I left for California this fall my sister said to me that I was going to make a good Gypsy. I agree. I LOVE to travel. I LOVE not having a job that I have to go to every day. I LOVE that if someone needs me I can go wherever I am needed or wherever I want to (as money allows of course, which without a job is a problem). At the same time I don't think I am quite the person to pull this off totally. I finished an online test/interview today for a work at home job. I am not sure if I got it yet or not but...hoping I did as I actually enjoyed it. I think that I want to embrace a new kind of reality - one that leaves me open to spending more time with people than with work. One that focuses more time on relationship than on finances, and has more openness to new experiences and opportunities. On the flip side, I missed home...A LOT while I was out traveling so I am not ready to dub myself a total Gypsy just yet.
4. So...I think I know what I am going to go with. When I say this many people are going to automatically assume I am being political. Maybe I am, a bit, but mostly NOT. Mostly this phrase completely explains how I feel about where I am right now and what I need to do this year. It is a phrase rather than a word. I contemplated using either of two of the three words in the phrase, and both would have been good - but only with all three together does it really work the best. My phrase for 2018 will be:
I want to break down all three words and why they are so important to me
Nevertheless - as I said, so many things feel SO wrong to me right now. So much is out of place for my personal life but also just for life in general. We have a President right now that I completely am opposed to. We have threats of war literally hanging over our heads in a way that we never have, in my lifetime. We have old systems in place that are no longer working but people that refuse to let them go. We have leaders who could/should be introducing new ideas but seem more interested in personal gain/power than in doing the right thing. We have children who are still starving and living without shelter in the world. How is that even possible in this day and age of such advanced technology and well-being? Disease is rampant and tearing families apart. Even in our country of such blessing many cannot afford health care. We are fighting about who can live where. The world is a scary place. All of this is constantly on my mind and in my heart. I know that some of this is because I am dealing with depression. That does not make any of it any less real or terrible. There are a lot of bad things in this world. Thank God for the word....NEVERTHELESS
She - anyone who knows me knows that I have always been a bit of a feminist. I like to sound off about how things aren't fair for women but should be. I get annoyed if a man refuses to walk through a door I am already holding open. Come on dude. Yes I love it when you are polite, why can I not be polite too? That kind of thing. But the past few years I have so proud of the leaps and bounds that women are making in this world! Hallelujah for Wonder Woman this year! And I don't care if you didn't like her or that she didn't win but we had a Presidential candidate that was a woman a year ago! That is good news. And men are being fired who abused women. And women are finding courage to stand up and tell their truths about men who abused them. Wow. I know there are a lot of mixed feelings about these things and truthfully that they are not always simple, and that is why I have always been kind of a quiet feminist. Everyone knows I sort of am one but I try not to rock the boat too much. But you know what? I am tired of that. I am tired of not being proud of being a woman. My Mom left me a letter to read after she died and it meant the world to me. But the one line that struck me the most - that is blazed on my heart forever is this - never doubt yourself!! - I have decided not to. I was proud last year to march in the Women's march with my friends and some of my workers from school. Many family members and others were not happy with me but...I am sorry. I am who I am. I am a proud....SHE
Persisted - I have to be honest with you. This word means something different to me every single day. There are days when it means nothing more than I woke up, I made it through the day and I somehow fell back asleep again. I persisted. I know I will probably still have days like that ahead of me. But I also know that I interviewed for that new job. I am working on cleaning up the house with Dad's help. I am trying to find a balance of staying in my life in Nashville and yet having a life here in Manchester too. I have begun to think about writing ideas again. I have begun to discuss podcast particulars with Karissa. I have stopped simply taking more medication and going back to bed every time I don't feel good in any way. There are so many ways to define that word, and I am not limiting myself or boxing myself in to any particular meaning. I am determined to continue, though. I think that this year, for me, that is the most important goal of all....PERSISTED
So that is where I am. That phrase is what I am going to try to embody this coming year. It may mean different things as the year progresses...that is okay. I am feeling flexible. I am feeling ready, or you know, at least ready to try. 2017 I will not miss you. I will miss so many things that you took from me - forever and always - but to you I am so eager (thus the post two days early) to say Good-Bye!
No comments:
Post a Comment