I'm Cranky and I Know It...

So I have been in a crappy mood lately. Pretty much all the time. It is not me and I do not like it. Now don't get me wrong, I know I am not exactly Ms. Sunshine ever. I don't like mornings, I don't like hot weather, I get sick a lot...I can be a grumpy Karla. But lately it is just like NOTHING makes me happy. Well that is not exactly right, a lot of things make me happy but even while I am happy I am still crabby on the inside. And basically...I am struggling to keep it from seeping out!!

I am level headed enough to understand there are several things going on. First...I am in the midst of changing medicines. I have been on the same birth control for over 6 years now and about 2 months ago I switched. My old bc had no estrogen in it. My doctors thought estrogen was causing some negative reactions for me back then so they removed it from the equation. Now, however, it seems I don't have enough of it so...they are loading me back up. Hello mood swings and craziness!! Mess with my hormones and emotions much? Oh yeah! Even at 2 months in I can tell I  have not evened out. I am so quick to cry (while this is fairly normal for me anyway right now it is like 300 times worse!), and even quicker to get upset. That is the one that is making me crazy. I hate feeling negative feelings all the time.

Another thing that is going on is just some basic depression (no doubt made worse by the medication issues). I have always struggled with this. I was diagnosed many years ago with "reoccurring" severe depression. So not that I always have it but occasionally it hits me, and it tends to hit hard. I have been to counselors and done all my reading. I know how to recognize the signs and what I need to do. A large bit of this is because of my recent health issues and surgery. Undergoing something so major is...well major. Even if it had gone completely smooth (it didn't really) it is just a big deal both physically and emotionally. Plus there is a lot going on around me. The people in my life are having major changes (marriages, babies etc.) and I tend to personalize things. I don't know if that makes sense but when those I love are going through things I tend to take on the stress, the joy...whatever it is! I know I should learn to let go but...it is a work in progress. My own life is full of changes as well. Owning my own home is amazing but stressful. I recently got a new car, again awesome but expensive. Michael is not with me as often which often makes me sad. There is just a lot going on!

I think what bothers me the most, and most makes me know things aren't right is how angry/jealous I am all the time. I hate that. So often these days I find myself getting so defensive. Especially on facebook (I know the bane of every one's existence right?). When anyone complains about something I immediately get so upset. How dare you complain? Do you have any idea how much you have to be happy about? Don't you know what I would give to have....fill in the blank. Now I know this is insane. I have things to be thankful for, and they have trials just as much as I. But inside my head/heart I don't care. I don't care that even as I struggle I am still "lucky" in this world by any reasonable standards. I don't care that I am crazy happy for these people and the things they have. I am just jealous and angry at them for not being thankful and...quite frankly I hate it.  I am tired of feeling this way!!

The other big thing is a total lack of energy. The moment I open my eyes in the morning I am already tired. I think getting out of bed has become one of the hardest tasks of my day. I go to work but struggle to stay focused and useful. After work I come home and plop in front of my TV or go straight to bed. I simply am tired...all the time. This is partly due to my fibromyalgia, but partly (and I think largely right now) to do with my funkiness. I want to see my friends (and often get very irritated and defensive when I feel like I have not seen anyone) but I don't want to actually GO to see them. I want my house to be clean (and live in a state of irritation that it is not) but don't feel like actually DOING anything about it. Etc. Etc.

So...to you all I apologize. Even if I never said out loud the cranky thoughts in my head, I am still sorry. And to those who have been dealing with my lethargy and general worn-outness, again I am sorry. Hopefully this medicine will take hold soon and work itself out. I am doing my best to take the small things I can control and get them under control. I am striving to move past this funk. I will certainly be glad to see it go.