Down the Rabbit Hole with Nothing to Grab

It might not always seem like it,but I try my best to stay positive. I try my best to see the best in things. I have my moments of despair, but I always know I will come through it. I know things will work out one way or another, I know my depression will lift and life will go on.

I have always been a responsible person. For whatever reason (and truly I don't know) my life hasn't gone the "normal" route. No one wanted to marry me and have kids. I didn't become a teacher like I always assumed I would. Basically I am so far away from what I pictured I would be as an adult I wonder how anyone can recognize me. But despite all of that, I have always taken care of my life. I have always been in control.

I have never truly felt I was unable to take care of myself. My dad often fixes the car or does handy work for me, but I have always paid for it. I have never had "a lot" by any means. I never had a real security blanket where money was concerned, but I was good enough that I was not concerned. I have always been the one who could help others. I "lent" money never expecting or asking for it back. I paid more than my share of the rent b/c I could handle more than anyone else. I bought people things I knew they needed even if there were things I needed myself. I was just that kind of person.

I have always felt like my one real gift in life was taking care of others. Even as a child people laughed and called me "mother hen" and said I shouldn't give so much of myself to others. It was who I was, though. It was what made me me, and what kept me able to enjoy life even when things didn't seem that great.

Today I feel like nothing about me is true or real. I have no positive thoughts to hold on to. I often write when I am down so it probably seems I am often at this point, but in truth I am not. Today I am. I do not see how anything in my life will work out. I do not know how I can possibly live this life and deal with the things in it on my own. I cannot take care of myself, much less anyone else and that makes me feel worthless and like I have no purpose for being here.

I have failed in every way I can imagine and I do not know where to go from here. I am afraid and I am sad and alone. Every source of strength I can think of fails me and I feel that there, too, I have failed.