The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

January is over. How weird is that? Time goes by so quickly...and yet at some times so very slowly. It is an odd dichotomy. In five days it will be 6 months since my Mom died. Half a year has passed by me without her and I am not sure if it feels like it happened yesterday or a lifetime ago. Both really.

At the beginning of the year I pledged to focus on the phrase Nevertheless She Persisted, so now I am trying to be fair and see how well I have done so far. I decided it has been a little bit of good, a little bit of bad, and a little bit of ugly. As with most things.

So the Good:
      I have been really trying. I got the captioning job I was hoping to get. Sadly it hasn't really worked out as well as I hoped. There just isn't enough work available when I need it. I have not made even close to enough money so it is not going to work out. BUT I did stick to it and get through the orientation phase and figure that out. I have done about 100 hours worth of captioning. I haven't decided exactly what is next. I am thinking about trying substitute teaching. That is obviously not working from home, which was my hope but...I might try it.
     Dad and I have been going to church pretty much every week. That is a huge social step for us. After Mom died we never did anything, including church. I stayed home sick once this month, but Dad went on without me that week. And this past week we even went early to attend Sunday School. I am not a huge SS fan, never have been but it is a good way to meet people and Dad really does like it so we will  keep it up I am sure.
     I have been cooking a lot more. I am not very good at it but I have been trying more things and using less frozen dinners and eating out like I was doing before.
     I finally sent my book out to a few agents. This one was huge and scary. I just did this a few days ago and so far have only had time to send to seven agents. This is definitely not enough! But I am glad to know I have started. The truth is I don't feel like my story is really ready...or maybe I just don't feel like it is good enough. NEVERTHELESS...I have been sitting on it for almost a year now. It is time to do something so...I figured why not. It felt good.
     I have seen my niece Haven several times this month, which has been a huge JOY for me! Sadly Braylee was not there most of those times, but it was still a good thing. I have texted with Michael several times and feel like we are getting back into each other's lives, even if only in an abstract way.

     I was able to march again this year in the Women's march in Nashville with my dear friend Danielle and her son Isaiah. I was a bit disappointed more people I know/am close with were not interested in this, just because it is so important to me. Sometimes I struggle to understand why things that I care about others don't care about. BUT having said that, it was such a joy to be there and to be with those two and to see that despite those feelings I was in fact surrounded by people who DID care just as much as me! There were 15,000 people at the march and it was very inspiring and a great day!

     I have been reading. This seems super simple but for me it is really big deal. For a long time I was not even interested in doing this thing that has always been my refuge and my favorite activity. I read somewhere once that you are grieving when you cannot even love the things you love. I very much have been feeling that way.  I still do in many ways, but feel like I am beginning to see the other side of that. Karissa and Madeleine and I are working on an exciting new project that has pushed me to begin reading in earnest again and it has been very good for me. I cannot wait for that to take more shape and to share more about it.

The Bad:
     It is a very odd thing to be a person such as myself who is very educated and aware of things that surround issues like depression, and also to be dealing with those issues myself. I am not a professional by any means but I have always been very aware that my calling to work with young people included a need to be aware about and be able to help them deal with social and mental issues. I have done a lot of reading and studying and listening to try to be ready to help. Also just because of my personality, I guess, friends have always come to me with problems. Asking for advice and just using me as a sounding board. So...all of this to say - I KNOW what is going on with me. I can tell when my actions or thoughts are a result of my depression rather than reality. That has been happening a lot lately. And it is bizarre. If I can tell that, it seems like I should be able to do something about it. I also, by the way, know that it doesn't work that way. But it is frustrating.
     The worst thing lately is that I feel like I am not depressed about Mom. I know that is the root of my depression BUT instead of thinking about her all the time I find myself thinking about every other bad thing that has ever happened in my life. There are situations that have been over and done with for twenty years that I have found myself sobbing over and rehashing in my mind...for no real reason. That mean thing someone said to me ten years ago...I have thought about how maybe it was true and maybe that is why that other thing happened seven years ago and five years ago and....Well you get the picture. Every way my life COULD have played out has been playing out in my mind and I can't help but wonder if it would have been better...for me, for Mom, for everyone. Where would we all be if it had been like that instead? It is like those things, which mean nothing anymore, are haunting me. It is hard to stop thinking something when you have no idea why you are thinking it...except that you are depressed.
   
and the Ugly:
     So this one I am pretty disappointed about. I felt like I was doing okay in terms of eating this month. Not great...I had no illusions that I was dieting, but I did think I was doing better than I had been doing last year. When the year started I weighed myself and I was at 187. I was hoping that I was down to 185. My unofficial goal had been to get to 175 by my birthday in April. I didn't say it in the blog because I don't want my weight to be my focus this year. I want to do better, I want to be more healthy but I don't want to nag myself to death with diets. Again, I did THINK I was doing pretty good. I weighed myself this weekend and I was at 191. Agggh!! I am not sue how I went up 4 pounds instead of down 2. I mean even staying where I was would have been okay but up 4 really kind of sucks. So now I am fighting with myself. Part of me wants to now begin nagging myself with a real diet. Just do it. I know I can and I know how. Whole 30 really worked for me but I need to get back to it if I want real results. It is hard though. I am still not feeling super strong and food has always been a comfort for me. I am not sure what I will end up doing. Right now though, feeling pretty crappy.
      Also trying to decide what to do with my hair. I have really liked it being short BUT (and I already knew this) my hair grows SO fast and it is hard to keep it cut so that it looks nice. So that means right now it has basically no style. So....as I said to my aunt recently, overweight and a bad haircut is not really my best look ever. I do know that feeling this bad about my appearance is another symptom of my depression. On the other hand I also know that I need a hairdo and a diet.

So...I don't know what to say overall. I think there is more good than bad to report. But on some days the bad feels much more weighty. I guess that is what it means to persist. That I will keep doing.

Updates and Changes

So...an update on Mom...well after radiation ended we had to wait 6 weeks before we could do a scan. We did and then the results were...kind of inconclusive. The doctor said there were some spots still showing up in her brain BUT they were so small he couldn't really say if they were spots or just left over scarring from the radiation. So Mom made the decision to just wait. She had an appointment to see him in one month, but the plan was to not do anything for two months...at that time we would have another scan and then go from there. In the meantime she made a trip to IN to visit her parents/family and was doing quite well. At first anyway. Then she started feeling sick again and struggling with the same cough she has had for....what feels like forever now. She has been coughing so hard it makes her sick even. So she went to a stomach specialist but he didn't find anything. We spent a few days (Easter included) at the ER. At her one month appointment  the doctor had changed his opinion about waiting. She started chemo two days later. We are only a week into chemo now. It has not been easy on her. She is doing okay but really tired and still struggling with the cough and being sick a lot. Keep your prayers coming.

Thanks to all who prayed for, and continue to pray for, my cousin Tina. She continues to do well but has had to have several additional surgeries. She still has a lot of rehabilitation ahead but her life is truly a miracle! I am so thankful she is alive and improving.

So...on to the changes. On that front I have a lot of personal news.

After 16 years, I have tuned in my resignation at Trevecca Nazarene University. That is probably the biggest one. I quit my job. Wow. It is crazy to even say it still. It will not take affect for some time now. I am on contract at the school until the end of June and will be staying at least that long - hopefully as they find someone new to fill my position.

So...I guess the obvious question is...what will I be doing? Ummm....nothing. Ha! I have decided I want to be a stay-at-home daughter, in as much as that is possible. I want to be more available to help Mom (and Dad if needed) and take care of things she is no longer able to take care of at the house. In order for that to happen I am going to be selling my house in Old Hickory (that is number two), quitting my job and living with them full time. I am looking into some work-from-home possibilities in order to continue to have some income as I will obviously still need to maintain my own health insurance and continue to pay student loans, and I will be pushing to really build my Premier Jewelry business (look for more on that soon), but other than that I don't want to do much. I just want to rest and spend time with Mom. I know it is a little unorthodox but...what part of my life hasn't been really? So...that is the plan.

Things are already in motion. Trevecca knows my plans (of course or I wouldn't be announcing like that). I am working on dealing with the house. Realtor extraordinaire Andrew Bradley is on it.  I am both excited and sad, ready and nervous. I will say though I have no hesitations in doing this. I feel an extreme peace about making these changes in my life. The timing has worked out perfectly. My yearly contract signing came up and I simply knew in my heart I could not sign. I needed to be somewhere else this year. I needed to be with my Mom and I needed to be at home giving my own body some rest as well.

Working at the library has been a blessing I never expected. It has been a chance for me to fulfill every passion and goal I had and some I never realized I had. I love working with my students more than I can express. My relationships with my student workers and other students I have had the chance to get to know are truly the highlights of my life thus far. I cherish and love each of them so much.They are some of my best friends and also those of whom I am so incredibly proud. There are not enough words to express the depths of what I feel. The library at Trevecca was NOT what I ever expected my call to minister to young people to look like, and yet for the past 16 years that it exactly what it is has been for me and I have been so very blessed by it. I have also learned from each one of my co-workers and grown in ways I never imagined because of my friendships and partnerships with each of them. I will never stop striving to be more and more like them in various ways. Let me just say that the opportunity to work under the likes of Esther Swink and Ruth Kinnersley is not something to be taken lightly. Both women are such strong and beautiful examples to me of who I want to be...not just as a professional, but as a woman and as a christian. Ruth's love and understanding as I have gone through issues in my family, having Michael move in and out of my life, my Mom's cancer and now this decision to leave have always left me stunned. She always has put my needs and my welfare ahead of her own concerns. I have known her first, and always, to be my friend.There are not enough ways to say thank you. I will miss working in the library. I will miss the books and the building and just the life of the library, but most of all I will miss the relationships - the community of my work life. I am so blessed it is so much more than merely that!

Working has been, though, hard on me as well. Any of you who read my blog know that I am not very healthy and that it is a constant issue for me. More and more the pain is getting in the way of my life and my ability to be productive or my best. I have had a harder and harder time being the person and worker I want to be because of the pain I have been in. So although this decision has MUCH to do with wanting to be with my Mom, it is also for more selfish reasons. I am in need of rest and a break. I am lucky to have parents who will say yes, come live with us and allow that to happen.I plan to take about a year off of "working" in the traditional sense and try to stay at home during that time. Then I will reassess and decide what comes next.

 I had no idea what my life was going to look like when I moved back to TN from Kansas City almost 17 years ago. I have no idea what is going to come next either.  I am not sure what life will look like in the future. I have no fear of that though. I am following my heart and doing what I know is best right now. It is what it is. The rest will come.

Update on Mom

So I have been pretty quiet about my Mom recently - at her request. She doesn't know I am writing this today so I might get in trouble BUT we finally have some concrete dates and news to share and I want as many prayers to go with that as possible so I decided it was time for an update!

Most of you know that at the end of July Mom had surgery on her brain to remove cancer for the 2nd time. It was a rough surgery, going back in to the same place on your brain twice is hard on it, and she ended up back in the hospital after the surgery. Recovery was not easy on her. She spent several months getting back on her feet and trying to feel normal again. On December 14 she had scans done of her entire body and found that, unfortunately, the cancer was in her brain again.(Or possibly still, there is no way to really ever know that I guess). Thankfully the rest of her body is clean and cancer free.

The doctors all agreed that at this point it is too dangerous to even attempt surgery on that portion of her brain - it is no longer an option. She can do radiation treatment to that region of the brain one more time. Since that date we have been waiting for that treatment. We finally received a call this morning and Mom will begin radiation next week on Monday February 6. It will be 5 days of treatment - just short bursts of pinpoint radiation to the site each day. The side effects should be minimal, however there is no guarantee of that this time since they are going back into her brain where they have done damage before.

Mom has been really strong this past seven weeks and shown more patience than I ever could. I have called the doctor myself several times to complain. It is a complicated treatment plan and they needed time to get it right, but I am very glad the time is finally here! Mom has been severely tired and dealing with some additional symptoms that we hope the radiation will get rid of. Please pray that the radiation can can get rid of as much cancer as possible...all would be amazing. The doctors have told us that radiation is not curative. We know that but...we are still praying.

My Mom, if she knows you, has probably prayed for you. She is that kind of lady. She cares about everyone and wishes the best for you - even if she doesn't like you! Ha. Please pray for her now. She is my best friend and the rock of my family. We love her more than any of us know how to tell you. This has been a rough month she just went through. The phone call today was a huge praise - now we just have to hope it helps!