The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

January is over. How weird is that? Time goes by so quickly...and yet at some times so very slowly. It is an odd dichotomy. In five days it will be 6 months since my Mom died. Half a year has passed by me without her and I am not sure if it feels like it happened yesterday or a lifetime ago. Both really.

At the beginning of the year I pledged to focus on the phrase Nevertheless She Persisted, so now I am trying to be fair and see how well I have done so far. I decided it has been a little bit of good, a little bit of bad, and a little bit of ugly. As with most things.

So the Good:
      I have been really trying. I got the captioning job I was hoping to get. Sadly it hasn't really worked out as well as I hoped. There just isn't enough work available when I need it. I have not made even close to enough money so it is not going to work out. BUT I did stick to it and get through the orientation phase and figure that out. I have done about 100 hours worth of captioning. I haven't decided exactly what is next. I am thinking about trying substitute teaching. That is obviously not working from home, which was my hope but...I might try it.
     Dad and I have been going to church pretty much every week. That is a huge social step for us. After Mom died we never did anything, including church. I stayed home sick once this month, but Dad went on without me that week. And this past week we even went early to attend Sunday School. I am not a huge SS fan, never have been but it is a good way to meet people and Dad really does like it so we will  keep it up I am sure.
     I have been cooking a lot more. I am not very good at it but I have been trying more things and using less frozen dinners and eating out like I was doing before.
     I finally sent my book out to a few agents. This one was huge and scary. I just did this a few days ago and so far have only had time to send to seven agents. This is definitely not enough! But I am glad to know I have started. The truth is I don't feel like my story is really ready...or maybe I just don't feel like it is good enough. NEVERTHELESS...I have been sitting on it for almost a year now. It is time to do something so...I figured why not. It felt good.
     I have seen my niece Haven several times this month, which has been a huge JOY for me! Sadly Braylee was not there most of those times, but it was still a good thing. I have texted with Michael several times and feel like we are getting back into each other's lives, even if only in an abstract way.

     I was able to march again this year in the Women's march in Nashville with my dear friend Danielle and her son Isaiah. I was a bit disappointed more people I know/am close with were not interested in this, just because it is so important to me. Sometimes I struggle to understand why things that I care about others don't care about. BUT having said that, it was such a joy to be there and to be with those two and to see that despite those feelings I was in fact surrounded by people who DID care just as much as me! There were 15,000 people at the march and it was very inspiring and a great day!

     I have been reading. This seems super simple but for me it is really big deal. For a long time I was not even interested in doing this thing that has always been my refuge and my favorite activity. I read somewhere once that you are grieving when you cannot even love the things you love. I very much have been feeling that way.  I still do in many ways, but feel like I am beginning to see the other side of that. Karissa and Madeleine and I are working on an exciting new project that has pushed me to begin reading in earnest again and it has been very good for me. I cannot wait for that to take more shape and to share more about it.

The Bad:
     It is a very odd thing to be a person such as myself who is very educated and aware of things that surround issues like depression, and also to be dealing with those issues myself. I am not a professional by any means but I have always been very aware that my calling to work with young people included a need to be aware about and be able to help them deal with social and mental issues. I have done a lot of reading and studying and listening to try to be ready to help. Also just because of my personality, I guess, friends have always come to me with problems. Asking for advice and just using me as a sounding board. So...all of this to say - I KNOW what is going on with me. I can tell when my actions or thoughts are a result of my depression rather than reality. That has been happening a lot lately. And it is bizarre. If I can tell that, it seems like I should be able to do something about it. I also, by the way, know that it doesn't work that way. But it is frustrating.
     The worst thing lately is that I feel like I am not depressed about Mom. I know that is the root of my depression BUT instead of thinking about her all the time I find myself thinking about every other bad thing that has ever happened in my life. There are situations that have been over and done with for twenty years that I have found myself sobbing over and rehashing in my mind...for no real reason. That mean thing someone said to me ten years ago...I have thought about how maybe it was true and maybe that is why that other thing happened seven years ago and five years ago and....Well you get the picture. Every way my life COULD have played out has been playing out in my mind and I can't help but wonder if it would have been better...for me, for Mom, for everyone. Where would we all be if it had been like that instead? It is like those things, which mean nothing anymore, are haunting me. It is hard to stop thinking something when you have no idea why you are thinking it...except that you are depressed.
   
and the Ugly:
     So this one I am pretty disappointed about. I felt like I was doing okay in terms of eating this month. Not great...I had no illusions that I was dieting, but I did think I was doing better than I had been doing last year. When the year started I weighed myself and I was at 187. I was hoping that I was down to 185. My unofficial goal had been to get to 175 by my birthday in April. I didn't say it in the blog because I don't want my weight to be my focus this year. I want to do better, I want to be more healthy but I don't want to nag myself to death with diets. Again, I did THINK I was doing pretty good. I weighed myself this weekend and I was at 191. Agggh!! I am not sue how I went up 4 pounds instead of down 2. I mean even staying where I was would have been okay but up 4 really kind of sucks. So now I am fighting with myself. Part of me wants to now begin nagging myself with a real diet. Just do it. I know I can and I know how. Whole 30 really worked for me but I need to get back to it if I want real results. It is hard though. I am still not feeling super strong and food has always been a comfort for me. I am not sure what I will end up doing. Right now though, feeling pretty crappy.
      Also trying to decide what to do with my hair. I have really liked it being short BUT (and I already knew this) my hair grows SO fast and it is hard to keep it cut so that it looks nice. So that means right now it has basically no style. So....as I said to my aunt recently, overweight and a bad haircut is not really my best look ever. I do know that feeling this bad about my appearance is another symptom of my depression. On the other hand I also know that I need a hairdo and a diet.

So...I don't know what to say overall. I think there is more good than bad to report. But on some days the bad feels much more weighty. I guess that is what it means to persist. That I will keep doing.