Now that is not to say there is nothing good in my life. There totally is. Even in her blog Karissa mentions a night that we went out to a reunion show of a band we used to follow. This band was SO significant to me. They were the band that turned me on to local music, which basically changed my life. Stumbling across them was the reason I met a whole new group of people and started a totally new and amazing phase of my life. It was awesome to go to their show. I had so much fun. I was like a kid on Christmas morning that night. To think about it makes me smile now. But it seems so far away from me. It is like this moment in time that I had, that was great but...it just isn't really part of my life somehow.
this is us years ago (not the very first concert but way back...) and the other night
That is how everything feels to me these days. Disjointed. I have amazing moments in time but then I just go back to the routine. I don't know how to bring my life back together. I don't like the way I am feeling and I think I need to do something about it.
To some extent...I can't. Some of this is physical. The last time I really felt good I was on B-12 shots weekly. Now I am not on them at all. I can tell a HUGE difference. I don't go back to the doctor about that till early next month. That is a long time to wait, but at least it is on the books. Hopefully she can help me figure out how to get back to feeling the way I did before (preferably without needing weekly shots!) Also I JUST started physical therapy. That usually doesn't do much for me but...here is hoping. You never know.
Some of it is stress related. There has been SO much going on in my life. A lot of that I can't really change. So all I can do is try to deal better. One way I have decided to try to do that is to start writing again. I said back in December that I was taking that month off of writing to get moved and then this year I couldn't wait to really devote time to it. I haven't written. Anything. At all.
I am scared to write. I have zero ideas about my story. I don't know where it needs to go. I think if I try to write right now it will be boring and depressing b/c that is how I feel. I think it will be bad because I feel like everything I try to do ends up a disaster. I have no confidence in myself or my story.
I remember an author at the literature fest I went to saying that writers block is just fear. She was totally right. She also said, write anyway.
I am going to try.
It might suck. I might end up deleting it all. I might not feel any better for having done it. But...it might really help me too.
When I was writing consistently I felt so much better. I had an outlet for my creativity and my mind. I was excited about finding time to do more every day. It gave me something to think about and look forward to all the time. I don't know if I can get there at this point because as I said, some of this is truly physical. However, it can't hurt.
If what I write is crap, I can always delete it. It is my story. I can re-write it as many times as I want. So...it is time for me write again.
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