Honestly Honest

So I have been pondering for the past few weeks what, if anything, I should write as a wrap up to my last year's focus word of honesty. It was my first year doing 'one word' and I truly enjoyed that experience. I decided to do it again and I have told many others about it. I feel it really did help me focus on one thing that was important to me in a way that resolutions and goals never have. It was an interesting journey, to say the least, but I find myself at a loss  about how to tell it with any amount of success.

My word was honesty and I think for me the biggest part of my journey has been learning what this word means. I thought the year would be about me being honest, but instead it was facing what it means to be honest. What it means to be honest in different contexts and to different people. This year I have been faced with issues and ideas that have really stretched me, in good and bad ways, and they have made me realize that honesty is honestly not always simple.

Where I work certain things are acceptable and others are not. Most of these things are right on target with my personal beliefs so this is a blessing. Occasionally, though, they are not. Occasionally what I think and what the corporate belief is are not the same. What does honesty mean in that situation?

My parents and I have similar differences of opinions about things. They are always open to my views and to discussions about them, but I have no desire to hurt them or to cause them discomfort for my own sake.

Is that dishonest? If I back down for the sake of my job or for the sake of respect for others? Sometimes I think it is. Maybe always it is, but sometimes it is worth it. That is the journey that I have been taking with honesty, though, and I am still on that journey. My year is over but my searching for answers is not. I have faced with honesty that this is an issue in my life. Maybe that is the most honest I can be.

Maybe I Was Wrong...

So this year I am supposed to be focusing on honesty. On being more honest in general, but especially with myself.
Honestly...all I keep thinking lately is...I wish I had a husband.

I wish I had a husband who could fix things around the house.
I wish I had a husband so the thought of losing my job wouldn't automatically mean bankruptcy and losing my home.
I wish I had a husband to lean on when I miss the kiddo.
I wish I had a husband to help pay the bills.
I wish I had a husband to invite to things when I am the only single person.
I wish...

I.HATE.THAT.I.WISH.THAT.

Don't get me wrong. I don't have any problem with husbands. I just never wanted to be married for any other reason than being crazy in love. So many people are married for the wrong reasons and I have never EVER wanted to be like them.

But these days I kind of do.

Life is scary these days. It is scary to be sick all the time. It is scary to be alone all the the time. It is scary to think...maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I can't do it.
Maybe I should have been more open to more people.
Maybe crazy in love isn't that important.
Maybe no one ever loved me at all so I just settled on saying it wasn't enough.
Maybe I am just a fraud.

I am so blessed with parents who support me. My dad takes care of my house, my mom comes to stay with me if I am too sick to be alone. They aren't supposed to have to do that forever though. They moved to the country to retire together. I hate that they have to constantly come back to take care of me. I want to be helping them.

I want to be strong enough to be the independent person I want to be.
I hate wondering if someone else would help make me stronger.
Maybe society is right...maybe I "need" a man.
These days it certainly seems like it, and yet that makes me less than who I want to be.

And then the real fear creeps in...maybe it is just ME. It is not that women need men. It is not that a woman can't be strong on her own.

It's that I am not.

I am not enough to be this person I have chosen to be...and yet I am.

And I have no idea what to do about it.

The One Where I Choose One Word

So I have several friends who are doing THIS thing this year. Basically instead of making New Years resolutions or a list of goals you choose one word that you are going to allow to be who/what you are for the year. My friend Karissa chose the word grow. It is perfect for where she is in her life right now. I like the idea. I am not sure if I think there is ONE word that can sum up a person or even a part of a person's life, but I decided I wanted to try it this year and see what I thought.

So now, to choose a word. Obviously there are a lot of words. Many choices I could make, and many that would be worthwhile. There is one that keeps coming back to me, though and so I am going to go with it. My one word, is honesty.

This year I want to be honest about everything. Honest, first and foremost I think, with myself. Honest about my feelings - both good and bad. Honest about how I am doing and what progress I am, or am not, making. Honest about things I need to do, and honest about some things I will never do and should let go of.

I want to be honest (though always kind) with those I interact with. I think our world is so full of lies. Promises made and expectations given that honestly, are just not ever going to come to life. I want to be a place where peole can come for truth.

I think this blog will be a good place for me to come to try to live that honesty out loud. I hope that has always been true, but I want it to intentionally be so. So...here I go. 2014...the year I was honest.

P.S. Honesty is also the name of this beautiful flower...I love it