Sorry...but not really

So if you are my Facebook friend, and I know most of you are, you know that I have been pretty discouraged as of late. And I have been pretty honest about that on Facebook. I have received an interesting range of responses to that.  First of all, I have awesome friends and family – they always send love and read my posts etc. So I want to say that off the bat. BUT I have had several people respond with everything from simply I am sorry to saying that they are worried about me. Several others have indicated I should not share so much of my personal life on Facebook, nobody really wants to see that. It is “not attractive” apparently.

You know what? Screw that. I know I am in a bad mood, I am the one in the bad mood. I am the one dealing with the crap. I know that my life could be MUCH worse and that I have many things in my life to be thankful for. None of that means I have a great life. So why should I pretend that I do? We are always posting things SAYING that we want more honesty on social media and that we shouldn’t just post our “Instagram ideal” life. When I actually do, however, I get side eye for it. Ugh. What do you want?

Listen, I am a very emotional person. When something hurts me, it hurts me deeply. When something is disappointing, it is really disappointing. This may be “too much” for some people…okay. I mean if you don’t like it - unfollow me. Super easy. I am not looking for sympathy. I do realize that many people who say I am sorry are genuinely sad I am struggling so please do not feel like I am calling you – I am not, I am just clarifying I am not doing this for sympathy and/or attention. I don’t need you to worry about me. I appreciate friends who care, but those who insinuate that I am unstable simply b/c I am discouraged annoy me like nothing else. And I am not a fake person. Maybe I should be. Maybe I would be more “normal” if I did that. Heck maybe things would even go my way more often if I just pretended. I never will. That is not who I am.

I even had someone tell me recently that I was over-shooting. In particular that someone I was interested in was a “long shot” anyway so really I should have seen it coming and not been disappointed. Again I say…screw that. I am who I am. Part of that is someone who sees potential – in people, in situations, in friendships, in relationships, just in general really (despite my current cruddy mood). While a part of me is tempted to agree with them – I should just stop trying, be satisfied with my life how it is and not reach for more, the truth is I could never be happy with that. I hope I never AM happy with that – even if/when things get better. We should always be reaching for more. And believing we can achieve it.

There have been many friendships I put a lot of work into that ended up with them walking away. There have been even more guys I have been interested who have not been interested in me. There have been jobs I have gone for, chances I have taken etc., and just b/c they haven’t always work out does NOT mean they were not worth it. And just because I get sad about something ending doesn’t mean I am not still glad it happened.

So…basically this is just me shouting to the world at large…stop trying to make me quiet. Stop trying to label my feelings as somehow bad just b/c they might negative at a particular point in time. I WILL be who I am. Sorry…but not really.

That's Just My Point Of View

So this weekend Nashville got hit with like 10 inches of snow, which is enough to basically shut down the whole city. I admit I have not been out of my house in 5 days. I probably could leave now but...I have enough food and today is not a work day for me so...I am good! I don't like cold weather and I am a true introvert so honestly, I am happy just staying  here. While I have been cocooned in my little home, however I have been binge watching TV of course because what else is there to do (be quiet you voices saying write more and/or clean more!!) and I watched two full seasons of an intriguing show called The Affair.

So this show is basically a Who-Dunnit murder mystery but it centers around 2 characters who had an affair which rocked the boat of this whole community and ultimately leads to this murder. The really interesting part of the show though, for me anyway, is that it shows the events often more than once from the different characters points of view. When it does this you find the stories are often different. Sometimes only mildly different, sometimes quite significantly different.

This just has my brain in a whirlwind right now. How vital is point of view to our lives? I mean part of me is asking this as a writer. Obviously that has huge implications for my book and my story telling, but I mean even beyond that. In my personal life how does my point of view affect my reality. How often do we hear people say things like "that is just not how I see it?" I hear that sometimes and I am just confused, I mean how can you see something differently than it happened...there has to be a way that it actually DID happen...doesn't there? What if we all see things colored by our own perspectives? What if we truly only see things based on our experiences or our expectations? That sort of changes everything doesn't it?

I don't have anything deep or insightful to say now. Just...think about it. I cannot stop thinking about it. How can we be sure to be honest at how we see and/or remember things? Not allow our point of view to skew reality or truth...seems important.

The One Where I Choose One Word

So I have several friends who are doing THIS thing this year. Basically instead of making New Years resolutions or a list of goals you choose one word that you are going to allow to be who/what you are for the year. My friend Karissa chose the word grow. It is perfect for where she is in her life right now. I like the idea. I am not sure if I think there is ONE word that can sum up a person or even a part of a person's life, but I decided I wanted to try it this year and see what I thought.

So now, to choose a word. Obviously there are a lot of words. Many choices I could make, and many that would be worthwhile. There is one that keeps coming back to me, though and so I am going to go with it. My one word, is honesty.

This year I want to be honest about everything. Honest, first and foremost I think, with myself. Honest about my feelings - both good and bad. Honest about how I am doing and what progress I am, or am not, making. Honest about things I need to do, and honest about some things I will never do and should let go of.

I want to be honest (though always kind) with those I interact with. I think our world is so full of lies. Promises made and expectations given that honestly, are just not ever going to come to life. I want to be a place where peole can come for truth.

I think this blog will be a good place for me to come to try to live that honesty out loud. I hope that has always been true, but I want it to intentionally be so. So...here I go. 2014...the year I was honest.

P.S. Honesty is also the name of this beautiful flower...I love it