To Be (Fat) or Not To Be

So I have really been struggling a lot lately with the issue of my weight. Well...in many ways. Obviously I am struggling with the fact that it is too high. I do not want to weigh what I weigh or look how I look.

But internally I am struggling with that as well. Why does it bother me so much to be over weight? Why am I so ashamed of my body? Granted I am not exactly the embodiment of a healthy woman, but that is not why I want to lose weight. Not mainly. It would be awesome to feel better and be more healthy, but I know that is not the real motivating cause for me to lose weight. I want to look "better".

I hate that. What makes skinny better? What makes a certain weight acceptable and another not? What makes me SO repulsed by my own body that I literally have cancelled plans because I did not want someone to see me looking this way. Give me a few months, I said to myself, then when I feel better about myself I will feel so much better about seeing him again.

WHAT??!! I want to  yell at myself. That is stupid. If a person cannot enjoy being with you at this weight then who cares what they think a few months skinnier?

The truth...ME is the answer. I care! I want to be skinny again. I want to feel pretty again.

I also want to slap myself for not being able to feel comfortable enough in my own skin to feel that way now.

I wonder what it takes to make oneself feel truly comfortable with how they look. Honestly I look at other women my age and many of them are my size or close to it. We are starting to have grayer hair and wrinklier skin. But why is it that weight is the one thing I cannot seem to be okay with. The size pant I wear is more important to me than almost anything else I can think of.

WHAT? You say...that is crazy...it shouldn't be that important to you! Come on...get off it. The fact is we spend more time DIETING and trying to eat better and trying to journal our food intake and count our calories than almost anything else we do. They say if you look at where your mind and your actions go and you will see your priorities. My own priorities, and those of too many of my friends, are seriously out of whack.

I have no answers here. I don't want to be comfortable with how I look...I want to look better.
At the same time I desperately want to not want that. I think we, as a generation or a culture or whatever, have a problem with this issue. Some are on kicks that are more "healthy" than others and I applaud that. But truth be told...the bottom line is still weight loss. The pictures people post of their success is not of a lower blood pressure chart or what-not. It is of how good they look in a new dress. I am not condemning that, heck I do the same and am jealous when I cannot.

I just feel like...we must be missing something. Surely being skinnier than I am is not really the answer we are seeking.