2 1/2 Weeks...

So I have made it 2 weeks and 2 days. I am still alive. LOL

Actually it is not that bad anymore. I have settled into the diet and my body isn't screaming at me anymore. Grumbling sometimes maybe but not screaming anymore.

I have to be honest though...I am still kind of disappointed by the whole thing. I went to a doctor's appointment this morning so I was weighed for the first time since I started. I lost 5 pounds. I mean I know that is GOOD but...I don't know, I did a MAJOR overhaul of my entire way of eating. I sort of expected more than 5 pounds. I lost that much the first week I just started counting calories. So...not that big of a thing really. And honestly, I don't really feel great either. I am extremely worn out all the time. Which is normal for me, I am not saying it is because of the diet on any account, but I was sort of hoping the diet would help give me some energy. Maybe 2 weeks is not long enough and I need to give it more time. I will...I am not giving up. I just had hoped for a bit more than I have gotten so far.

Last night I did add exercise into the mix, which I know is also an important part. We have a water aerobics class here at work that meets every Tuesday and Thursday at 4:45 and I went yesterday. Going to try to make it twice a week - every time. Hopefully I will be able to.

So...that is that. It is going okay. I feel good in the sense that I am proud of myself for doing it, and sticking to it. Otherwise, though, not much to report. As someone said to me, not much to say when I am eating sticks and berries. LOL.I guess I am not feeling much pep about it all today. Once I have a chance to use my new food processor and try some new recipes maybe I will do better :)

Eating Clean: Prep and Start

So it is Tuesday, which means I have made it through ONE DAY of eating clean so far. I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't been easy! But, to be fair...I have had extenuating circumstances. On Sunday night I got a migraine which stayed with me all through Monday (day 1). For whatever reason when I have a migraine I always feel like if I eat something it will be better (it almost never works FYI) so I did have an extra desire to eat all day but other than that...I did okay. I actually had more than enough food and it was all good. However, Monday night I took Migraine medicine. It didn't work so, still fighting with the migraine today (day 2) AND now fighting with the heavily medicated feeling I always get after taking that kind of medicine. What do I usually do? Kill my body with sugar....literally...I eat so much it shocks me back to normal. So I am struggling today to not give in and do that. But...I haven't and I refuse to. I will just be over here feeling like crap...I am sure it will pass! The truth is I knew this would be the hard part. When I am sick is when I eat the worst and care the least. If I can do it now...I can do it anytime!

So...here is the skinny on what I did....

I actually went shopping on Saturday night, which was a good idea. Shopping is tough on me and always wears me out so it was good to do that one day, and the cooking the next. I will have to remember that for future weekends. I was NOT happy at how much everything COST. No wonder people who eat "clean" are skinny...it's b/c they can't afford enough food! That wasn't a great start to my journey BUT I did have to admit that I bought more than just food. I also had to invest in a cutting board, some new knives, some Tupperware etc. so hopefully in the future it won't be AS bad. Here is my very small amount of groceries for way too big of a bill!

 

I sound very disgruntled. I was actually pretty excited about it all. Very colorful and pretty! I was ready to go on Sunday afternoon!

Sunday - first things first....I cut up a million veggies. I am NOT a  good cutter. I had to look up what kind of knife to use to cut what things. Some of the things I had to guess the correct way to cut them. I am fairly certain I probably guessed wrong on some of them. Might need some lessons with my sister-in-law and/or Sylvia sometime soon!  Here is the proof I did it though....and to be honest, it was a blast! :) Also here is my pretty new cutting board from Big Lots. I love it!

So I decided to make two main dishes for dinners. One was a chicken/veggie bake and the other was a whole wheat pasta with veggies. They both were super easy. Here are pictures and a link to the recipes I used to make them. (the pasta is almost nothing like what I ended up doing though, I sort of just used her idea and improvised with what I had/liked...)

 

                                      Chicken/Veggie Bake                            Pasta w/ Veggies

 I really kind of wanted to dive right in and eat them immediately, especially the Chicken Bake but I stuck to the plan and (after a taste test obviously) I doled them out into dinner containers. I ended up with ten ready made meals for my future! 

See how the one bowl on top of the red ones is different? That would be b/c my 4th red bowl had a HOLE in it and all the juice ran out of it onto my floor before I realized it! Agggh!

I am not going to lie, I was praying for 14, but I was also scared to death I would end up with 7 so...10 was a good compromise. I cleaned everything up - froze all the veggies I didn't use (except the ones I planned to eat for lunches through this week) and called Sunday done!

Monday, as I said, was a rough day, but really it wasn't about the diet. I followed the plan of breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner and lots of water though the day, plus I had 2 cups of my organic hot tea thrown in and I was very satisfied hunger wise. And it was all very good!!

 

So in case you are worried, no I am not going to post like this every day. It would be ridiculous since I will pretty much be eating the same thing every day (well my dinners will alternate every other day). BUT, I might post when I try new recipes on Sundays. I don't know yet. I do know I found the blogs of people who had done it before to be very helpful so, if I can help others, I might do it. We shall see. No Internet at home does make it harder. I had to do this post on my lunch break at work (yes I am eating my veggies as I type!)

Overall....day 1 a success! If I can make it through this migraine I think this week will be a cinch!

To Be (Fat) or Not To Be

So I have really been struggling a lot lately with the issue of my weight. Well...in many ways. Obviously I am struggling with the fact that it is too high. I do not want to weigh what I weigh or look how I look.

But internally I am struggling with that as well. Why does it bother me so much to be over weight? Why am I so ashamed of my body? Granted I am not exactly the embodiment of a healthy woman, but that is not why I want to lose weight. Not mainly. It would be awesome to feel better and be more healthy, but I know that is not the real motivating cause for me to lose weight. I want to look "better".

I hate that. What makes skinny better? What makes a certain weight acceptable and another not? What makes me SO repulsed by my own body that I literally have cancelled plans because I did not want someone to see me looking this way. Give me a few months, I said to myself, then when I feel better about myself I will feel so much better about seeing him again.

WHAT??!! I want to  yell at myself. That is stupid. If a person cannot enjoy being with you at this weight then who cares what they think a few months skinnier?

The truth...ME is the answer. I care! I want to be skinny again. I want to feel pretty again.

I also want to slap myself for not being able to feel comfortable enough in my own skin to feel that way now.

I wonder what it takes to make oneself feel truly comfortable with how they look. Honestly I look at other women my age and many of them are my size or close to it. We are starting to have grayer hair and wrinklier skin. But why is it that weight is the one thing I cannot seem to be okay with. The size pant I wear is more important to me than almost anything else I can think of.

WHAT? You say...that is crazy...it shouldn't be that important to you! Come on...get off it. The fact is we spend more time DIETING and trying to eat better and trying to journal our food intake and count our calories than almost anything else we do. They say if you look at where your mind and your actions go and you will see your priorities. My own priorities, and those of too many of my friends, are seriously out of whack.

I have no answers here. I don't want to be comfortable with how I look...I want to look better.
At the same time I desperately want to not want that. I think we, as a generation or a culture or whatever, have a problem with this issue. Some are on kicks that are more "healthy" than others and I applaud that. But truth be told...the bottom line is still weight loss. The pictures people post of their success is not of a lower blood pressure chart or what-not. It is of how good they look in a new dress. I am not condemning that, heck I do the same and am jealous when I cannot.

I just feel like...we must be missing something. Surely being skinnier than I am is not really the answer we are seeking.

I Can Be Anything...

So my next topic is...What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

Several things popped into my head -

Music. I swear I am totally a musician...and God forgot to give me the talent to go with it! Just...a mistake. I know I was meant to be a rock star. Or maybe a classical pianist. Or a Broadway star. So many choices. Sadly, I am not even close to any of them. Ah well.

Photography. I don't SUCK at photography. If you think I do check out THIS site which has made me feel SO much better about my attempts at taking pictures (and also makes me spit out my drink laughing!). I would love to be REALLY good at it though. And to be able to do it all the time. This is something that might have been feasible if I had started working on it earlier in life. These days my health doesn't make it possible except as a hobby. It is a good hobby, though, and mostly I am content.

Being a mom. I will never get the chance to be a mom. That makes me sad. I love babies so much. I love caring for people so much. I have, however, had the incredible privilege of being able to be a parental figure (guardian) to my nephew. Probably more than anything in the world I wish I could be great at that. I know I am doing okay, I know no one is just inherently GREAT at parenting. I know I got thrown into it at age 11 instead of age birth. I still wish I was better at it. I think every parent (or even Aunt/Uncle) wishes that.

Dieting. I am really bad at it. This is on my mind a lot right now as I sit at my desk trying not to eat all of the food I brought for an 8 hr day within my first hour at work. Sigh. I just love food so much!

Writing. This is one I need to work on more. I am a good writer, or so I have been told my whole life. I just have stopped doing it. I used to write for fun all the time. Then I went to college. My degrees in college were VERY heavily centered on writing academically. I was good at that too. Probably even better at that than at 'for fun' stuff. Since I have been out of school though I just haven't done it much. Getting into blogging more is one way I am working on that. I am considering joining a writers group a friend of mine has started. I am scared to commit to something else in my life right now (things are a bit beyond hectic) and I am scared that I will not be good enough to join the likes of her (she has been published...several times). It is something I want to get better at though, that I actually feel like I can work on. It is a goal to do something about it. I don't have a great track record at keeping goals but...maybe saying it publicly will help shame me into doing it!

Okay well there were five answers when I was only asked for one. What can I say, brevity has never been my thing! :)

P.S.
I spent today looking at some of my old pictures...I take it all back...Some of them ARE REALLY BAD!!! LOL...at least I can say I think I am getting a bit better...