Right now I am at my Grandmother's house in Indiana. We will spend the week here, culminating in Thanksgiving with my Mom's family, and then go home. So the trip is not quite over but it feels like it is. This is basically home to us, always has been. It is good to be home.
We went to California to see our family, something we had been talking about doing for quite some time, but in particular because one of my Uncle's is sick. Cancer. Again cancer. My poor Dad. I am not sure how he is even coping right now but when we heard we just...went. And we stayed for over a month.
It was good, and also hard. We recharged, and also got drained in other ways. We spent time with my Uncle, we tried to help with some family issues, I got to know my Aunt better, we enjoyed camping, I visited a few friends I haven't seen in a long time. Much happened and yet much of the time we weren't really doing anything. It is hard to describe.
On the way from California to Indiana I was sick with a cold so my Dad drove almost the whole way. I was looking out the window and struck by the bareness of the dessert. Just behind us had been gorgeous mountains and scenery and now there was utter dryness and just nothing. I saw several beat up billboards that were just standing in the middle of this dessert area. They were not only empty but old and faded. You could see remnants of things that they used to say. They were not white and ready for a new message, but old and left over. They used to have things to say. They used to direct people and instruct. Now they just stood in the dessert and added to the barrenness.
I wish I had the presence of mind to snap a picture of one of them. I did not but the image burned in my mind throughout the trip. I feel like those old billboards. Many of them even had pieces missing. You could see their very structure showing through b/c some of the squares had fallen out - the wind was just blowing right through them.
I am just like that. I am a person who has always leaned on words. I love to talk and to read and to write. I never shut up many say. But these days I feel like my words are all gone. I have so many things I NEED to say. Emails to people I need to write, phone calls I need to make, blogs I should write, especially about my Mom. I WANT to be writing and working on my stories. My Dad has suggested that we all write down our memories of the night my Mom died. I cannot even bring myself to start. My friend Karissa and I have been talking about staring a podcast about YA Lit and I think it is a great idea. I think we will be good at it. I have so many books on my 'to read' list that I want to read and talk with others about.
And yet...I feel like the wind is just blowing through me and that must be where all my words are. I don't know how to be the person I was. I don't know how to say and do the things I usually say and do...or write. I am trying. I will keep trying. But if you are waiting on an email or phone call, or if I have said I will do something with you - know it isn't you. It is me. I don't know how to tell you about my trip. I don't know how to write about my Mom. I don't even know how to be a friend or person right now.
Traveling was good for me. I think it was good for Dad too. It wasn't exactly the kind of trip full of relaxation and fun though. Watching someone else we love deal with cancer was devastating. Knowing my aunt here in Indiana is going through it as well breaks my heart. Life goes on. The wind keeps blowing and I keep standing. I believe one day maybe my sign will have words again. There ARE beautiful mountains in the distance. Maybe one day I can feel useful and functional. But for now it is enough to just be standing.
*Picture courtesy of the internet. This one is similar to the ones I saw
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