Updates and Changes

So...an update on Mom...well after radiation ended we had to wait 6 weeks before we could do a scan. We did and then the results were...kind of inconclusive. The doctor said there were some spots still showing up in her brain BUT they were so small he couldn't really say if they were spots or just left over scarring from the radiation. So Mom made the decision to just wait. She had an appointment to see him in one month, but the plan was to not do anything for two months...at that time we would have another scan and then go from there. In the meantime she made a trip to IN to visit her parents/family and was doing quite well. At first anyway. Then she started feeling sick again and struggling with the same cough she has had for....what feels like forever now. She has been coughing so hard it makes her sick even. So she went to a stomach specialist but he didn't find anything. We spent a few days (Easter included) at the ER. At her one month appointment  the doctor had changed his opinion about waiting. She started chemo two days later. We are only a week into chemo now. It has not been easy on her. She is doing okay but really tired and still struggling with the cough and being sick a lot. Keep your prayers coming.

Thanks to all who prayed for, and continue to pray for, my cousin Tina. She continues to do well but has had to have several additional surgeries. She still has a lot of rehabilitation ahead but her life is truly a miracle! I am so thankful she is alive and improving.

So...on to the changes. On that front I have a lot of personal news.

After 16 years, I have tuned in my resignation at Trevecca Nazarene University. That is probably the biggest one. I quit my job. Wow. It is crazy to even say it still. It will not take affect for some time now. I am on contract at the school until the end of June and will be staying at least that long - hopefully as they find someone new to fill my position.

So...I guess the obvious question is...what will I be doing? Ummm....nothing. Ha! I have decided I want to be a stay-at-home daughter, in as much as that is possible. I want to be more available to help Mom (and Dad if needed) and take care of things she is no longer able to take care of at the house. In order for that to happen I am going to be selling my house in Old Hickory (that is number two), quitting my job and living with them full time. I am looking into some work-from-home possibilities in order to continue to have some income as I will obviously still need to maintain my own health insurance and continue to pay student loans, and I will be pushing to really build my Premier Jewelry business (look for more on that soon), but other than that I don't want to do much. I just want to rest and spend time with Mom. I know it is a little unorthodox but...what part of my life hasn't been really? So...that is the plan.

Things are already in motion. Trevecca knows my plans (of course or I wouldn't be announcing like that). I am working on dealing with the house. Realtor extraordinaire Andrew Bradley is on it.  I am both excited and sad, ready and nervous. I will say though I have no hesitations in doing this. I feel an extreme peace about making these changes in my life. The timing has worked out perfectly. My yearly contract signing came up and I simply knew in my heart I could not sign. I needed to be somewhere else this year. I needed to be with my Mom and I needed to be at home giving my own body some rest as well.

Working at the library has been a blessing I never expected. It has been a chance for me to fulfill every passion and goal I had and some I never realized I had. I love working with my students more than I can express. My relationships with my student workers and other students I have had the chance to get to know are truly the highlights of my life thus far. I cherish and love each of them so much.They are some of my best friends and also those of whom I am so incredibly proud. There are not enough words to express the depths of what I feel. The library at Trevecca was NOT what I ever expected my call to minister to young people to look like, and yet for the past 16 years that it exactly what it is has been for me and I have been so very blessed by it. I have also learned from each one of my co-workers and grown in ways I never imagined because of my friendships and partnerships with each of them. I will never stop striving to be more and more like them in various ways. Let me just say that the opportunity to work under the likes of Esther Swink and Ruth Kinnersley is not something to be taken lightly. Both women are such strong and beautiful examples to me of who I want to be...not just as a professional, but as a woman and as a christian. Ruth's love and understanding as I have gone through issues in my family, having Michael move in and out of my life, my Mom's cancer and now this decision to leave have always left me stunned. She always has put my needs and my welfare ahead of her own concerns. I have known her first, and always, to be my friend.There are not enough ways to say thank you. I will miss working in the library. I will miss the books and the building and just the life of the library, but most of all I will miss the relationships - the community of my work life. I am so blessed it is so much more than merely that!

Working has been, though, hard on me as well. Any of you who read my blog know that I am not very healthy and that it is a constant issue for me. More and more the pain is getting in the way of my life and my ability to be productive or my best. I have had a harder and harder time being the person and worker I want to be because of the pain I have been in. So although this decision has MUCH to do with wanting to be with my Mom, it is also for more selfish reasons. I am in need of rest and a break. I am lucky to have parents who will say yes, come live with us and allow that to happen.I plan to take about a year off of "working" in the traditional sense and try to stay at home during that time. Then I will reassess and decide what comes next.

 I had no idea what my life was going to look like when I moved back to TN from Kansas City almost 17 years ago. I have no idea what is going to come next either.  I am not sure what life will look like in the future. I have no fear of that though. I am following my heart and doing what I know is best right now. It is what it is. The rest will come.

Ch..ch..ch..changes

Today on my way to work I heard a song that instantly reminded me of a time in my life long past. A time that, I realized with a jolt, coincided with first learning that my Mom had cancer. It was early summer 2007. I was blown away by the news and I was floundering. I made some really stupid decisions and bad calls. Truth be told, some fun times, but still all in all, mostly bad decisions. I was looking for something or someone to hold on to and I was willing to grab just about anything. As I drove and considered that time and those decisions I was struck by the thought that the person I was back then is totally foreign to me now. She is stranger. It is hard to even recognize her really.

Of course the first thing that is easy to say is, well yeah you gained 50 pounds - no one recognizes you. It's true. But the funny thing is, even that is so different to me now. Don't get me wrong, I would love to look like I looked back then but my thoughts about my looks are so different now. I mean lets be real...I hated how I looked back then. I was constantly upset about how ugly and fat I was. Now I see pictures and I know I was beautiful, but the truth is I weighted my worth in how I was treated, particularly by boys, and I was treated awful so I felt awful. I am not single because I am fat. I was rejected more as a skinny girl than you can imagine...trust me! I look back on guys that would 'hang out' with me and literally tell me not to tell anyone about it...if someone said that to me today I would laugh in their face. I cannot image letting someone treat me that way - but I did back then, all the time. I lived in shadows and believed that is what I deserved.I am single now but it is my choice and I would rather be single, and fat, than ever be involved in that kind of 'relationship'...or friendship for that matter, again. I worry about my weight now, and some of it is still vanity. I would love to look better. I would love for people to look at me and think I look good, and I know the reality is that overweight people are not seen that way. Truth though? I know now that I am worth so much more than I ever thought I was back then. I know my flaws and I know my strengths and I know I was stupid way too many times. I have a different kind of beauty, I don't always see it or have faith in it, but I know I do.

8 Years. I still have the same job - but now it means so much to me. I take so much pride in my students and in things I do with them and that I watch them accomplish as they go through college. I love spending my evenings having book clubs and game nights or going to movies with my workers.They give my life so much meaning and I learn from them constantly. Working for Trevecca used to be something I couldn't wait to get away from...something I tried to hide from, all the rules and regulations. Now those are things I wrestle with but gladly and openly.  Being a librarian is something I am proud of and embrace, it is an accomplishment. It is me.

I have been told over and over that I spend too much time and attention on my family. That makes no sense to me. Maybe it is because I have no family of "my own". Maybe I am weird. But my Mom has cancer. I could have lost her 8 years ago. I could have lost her 7 years ago, 6 years ago, 5 years ago....on and on. Why would I not embrace and cherish every second I have with her since I didn't lose her? She spent my whole life taking care of me, why would I not now spend as much time as I am lucky enough to have trying my best to take care of her? How many people who have lost parents wouldn't give anything to have back that time? I love every moment I spend with my family. And not just my Mom. The cancer has made us all realize how important time is. I cherish my time with all of my family.

And my true friends. Those bad decisions I mentioned above...many of them were quickly followed by revelations about who those friends truly were. Funny thing...8 years later those true friends are still around. The other people I was trying so hard to grab on to? They are memories...again, nice memories and some still acquaintances, but not the things that held me firm when I needed it. Those friends stuck around even when I wasn't around much. Right after Mom told me she had cancer I texted Jen to tell her, and then I wouldn't talk about it to her. I just couldn't. I think it was too real if I talked to her. She was too real. She was one of the ones that stayed anyway. There were others. They are still there and spending time with them is now so much more important and worthwhile.

The other big thing that happened to me that changed me...my nephew. In those 8 years he has also faced a lot. And he and I faced a lot of things together. He lived with me for a time. And that changes you. Having someone else depend on you completely. He was always important to me, and I always made big decisions considering him. But once he lived with me and I spent day after day watching him deal with the things in his life I realized, it is not only the big things that matter. Every single decision I make affects his life. Now everything I do, every interaction I have, every way in which I live is done first considering how it will affect not just me, but him as well. And that changes everything. And it also makes you understand, nothing happens to just you. It is not just Michael that I affect with my life. Everything I do touches others. Every bad decision I make ripples out and causes another one. That me 8 years ago, she didn't believe that. She didn't think about it really. But it is true. Nothing we do is done in a vacuum. It is never okay to do something just because you want to. I read somewhere that if you have to hide what you are doing  you probably shouldn't do it. I think that is good advice. I would go further and say that if what you are doing is going to hurt someone else you better have a good reason for doing it, a better reason than 'It is what I want'. Not that you never do things for yourself, but that you always consider others before you do.

There are other changes of course, some big, some small. And some things not so different at all. My Best Friends...still my Best Friends. My flaws, a lot of them still the same. But I have grown so much. I don't say that to belittle that time in my life or anyone that was a part of it. I cherish it actually. It was very important to me, it taught me so much and helped me grow in ways I am so grateful for. It was fun and exciting and I would not trade it. I am just amazed when I reflect back on how far away it seems to me. Cancer is not the only thing that has changed in our family. We have all changed as well. Eight years has been a lifetime. I am not grateful for cancer, but I am happy to see positive changes in our lives. I am glad to know that I am different in more ways than just gaining weight and not going to as many shows anymore. Growing up isn't always easy, but seeing growth is a good feeling.

Blog Challenge...fail

So...I didn't really do the blog challenge. I mean I tried to do it and I wrote a lot of them but that was just a busy time for me and I found I didn't really care about finishing it so...I just quit.

I have been pretty down lately. I think I finally have realized (or maybe just admitted) why. Earlier this year I felt like things were headed in a really positive direction for me. I was feeling stronger and healthier, I was losing weight, I was in a good place in a lot of personal relationships, etc. I never publicly said or even wrote down anything, but I remember thinking back then that by this fall my life was going to be awesome. I really thought that by now some things were going to be happening for me that...simply put...are NOT.

That is a sad and frankly put humbling realization. I did not continue on that road that seemed to gleam ahead of me. Some of that is due to things beyond my own control, some of it is my own fault. But whatever the cause I am not where I wanted to be by now. So I think I have been sort of wallowing in that for awhile. Maybe I still am (this post so far seems pretty wallowish...lol) but I am ready to make some changes.

Some of the things I cannot change. I wish I could but...they are just not happening right now. So I am consciously trying to change some of the things I can. Some of them probably don't make much sense to a lot of people. For example right now I am bursting to make changes in my home. I am going to rearrange almost everything. I just need the freshness of something "new". A new start, a fresh look to go with it. So that is happening hopefully mostly this weekend. I also re-started using My Fitness Pal. When I track what I eat I always eat better...so obviously I had stopped doing that! :) But I am going to do it again. Going to do my best anyway! I am also trying to be more organized. I have started clipping coupons and shopping to sales and trying to save as much money as possible to pay off all my debts. I want to do more art (in whatever form) and push myself to be creative even when I "feel like" sitting around doing nothing.

Those are my new goals. I am not just thinking them inside my head, I am saying them out loud. I am starting to work on them. I cannot change everything about my life that disappoints me right now, but I can work on the things I can change. So blog challenge...total failure. New challenge...work on me.