To My Bethel Teens...20 Years later

Dear Bethel Youth group,
Last week we lost another one of us. I cannot stop thinking about the rest of you. Twenty years later. Where are you? What are you doing? How are you doing? I see some of you on Facebook and I love so much watching your lives unfold. If those of you who are on my page know of others who are not, please connect us. I would love that.

You all hold such a special place in my life. My first "kids" so to say. I had another youth group in Kansas City, who I adored. And I had a lot of other "kids" as I worked at Trevecca that were fantastic. But you all - Bethel - were the first. The first time I gave my  heart away completely. For me it was really simple. I didn't have to deal with the church stuff (that much) or the budget stuff. I wasn't the youth pastor. I just got to know you. To love you. To be a part of your lives. There were always three things I wanted for all of you - I wanted you to know that Jesus loved you, that I loved you, and that you were freaking amazing human beings.

You know what? NOTHING has changed. I want you to know these three things:

Jesus loves you.

I love you.

You are freaking amazing human beings.

Don't ever forget those things. Don't ever doubt those things. Go back and read them slowly and let them sink in.

I know we are all at different places in life. Some of us (that I know of) are doing awesome.

Did you know that Ashley Fussell is now an amazing counselor and all around champion of human rights? She encourages me with her wisdom and love all the time.

Did you know that Daniel Henley just went with his family on a trip of Europe? The pictures were amazing!

Did you know that Josh Zeller is a YOUTH PASTOR?? I love that! Actually I haven't been in contact with him for a while but I know he was for a time.

Did you know that Nathan Hancock literally travels the world with work and married the man of his dreams? That is right, I said man. And just in case I have not been vocal or public enough for those of you who, like Nathan, have been brave enough to declare for yourselves a love that looks different than the kind we grew up being told about, let me say it clearly. You have my 1000000% support and love. I am so happy for you!

Did you know that  Juli White's daugher just turned 20!! What? How is that possible? (FYI in my head you are all still in HS so the whole kids growing up thing is wild!!!)

I am not going to single out every one of you that I know about but...man I am proud of you. All of you. I know that some of us are probably not doing as well as those I just mentioned. Some of us are struggling. With money. With jobs. With relationships. With drugs. With all kinds of things. If that is you, oh my goodness...let me just say that - the truth is, I am right there with you! I am 42 years old, single, I have a job that pays crap and I don't even like that much. My car has no air conditioning. My Mom died a little over two years ago and I am still mentally a freaking mess about it. Sometimes life is hard. But you know what,

Those three things? Still. True.

Jesus loves you.

I love you.

You are a freaking amazing human being.

I am heartbroken that another one of 'us' died recently. Even though it has been 20 years and most of us don't see each other very often or have much contact, we are still a group. We are still a family. Never doubt that. If that means that you need to reach out to someone...please feel free to reach out to me. If it means you follow each other on Facebook and encourage each other silently (or with 'likes'), I am SO down with that. But never feel like you have no one. Remember the three things okay? Seriously. That is my prayer for all of you.

We miss you Ronnie.
We miss you John.
We miss you Josh.

Downhill

So I decided it is time I updated you all on my Mom. Unfortunately there is no way to spin this one or make it sound better than it is. Things are going downhill, quickly. It is amazing how fast things can change. When Mom made the choice to begin hospice her doctors and the hospice practitioners all seemed in agreement with us that she was very strong and had a lot of time to live. In face, her oncology doctors even spoke with her about the possibility of resting with hospice for several months and then returning to active treatment. Although we knew the end was coming, none of us felt that it was coming with any particular haste.

In the past 3 days however, my Mother's body has decided it can no longer keep up with her spirit. It is simply giving out on her. She is struggling to live and it is terrible to see her in so much pain. We do not know how much longer she will hold on but we hope she will not tarry too long in this state. As much as the thought of losing her terrifies me, the thought of her living like this is much worse.

I apologize to everyone who gave so generously and willingly to build my Mom's ramp. Know that the little bit she was able to use it she loved it. I truly expected her to get much more use and joy out of it. The way you showed your love in support of us will never be forgotten - no matter if I was misguided in my quest for it or not.

At this point please know that your support and comments of prayers and love are SO appreciated and coveted, however we might not always be able to respond to personal messages or phone calls for awhile. Family is here with us and we are trying to spend this time with her and with each other. Thank you so much for making this journey with us. Your encouragement and the way you have held us up has helped more than we know how to say. For now we ask simply to pray for Peace. For my Mom to find peace and for all of us to have peace about it as well.

Surrounded by Death

This week I sort of fell apart. There was just too much to take and I felt it was closing in around me and suffocating me. I didn't handle life very well.

Most people who know me know that I  unapologetically say I am an idealist. I admit I don't know how to work everything out but I just believe there IS a best way to do things. I believe love is the answer - I don't settle for less than everything. I am just an idealist. Sometimes that can be hard. I shared this cartoon on Facebook the other day. It wasn't really funny to me though, it was exactly how I was feeling.

For a long time I simply didn't watch the news. I didn't want to know about the bad things happening. I have realized that is not acceptable. I need to aware and informed, but sometimes it gets to be too much. This week was that way.

Between the shooting in Chattanooga - which was not only an hour away geographically from my home but also touched the life of a friend of a friend, and the theater shooting, which was also not that far away geographically and directly touched the lives of several friends here in town, I was already shaken. Then on Friday of last week I found out someone I went to high school with passed away from cancer. On Monday Kim and I went to his viewing. We talked afterwards about trying to find some sense of closure and how hard that was to find. Then the next morning I woke up and before I even got out of bed I checked Facebook to find out about yet another death. A beautiful young mother I had been following via blog that I didn't know personally but that was friends with friends of mine.

I just shut down. I sent in an email to work that I was taking a sick day. Which was very true. My head was pounding and I was just sick. I pulled the covers back over my head and I just laid there for the longest time. I didn't even cry, I just felt shell shocked almost. It was just too much. I spent that entire day in my PJs, mostly in my bed. I just felt like I couldn't deal with the world - like I didn't have any more to offer. If everyone was just going to die what was the point anyway?

I finally decided to watch some Netflix and decided on the new Tina Fey show The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It is a silly and kind of weird show about a girl who was kidnapped and spent 15 years in a bunker where she was told the world had ended. She is finally rescued and now she has to readjust to life in real life. Funny enough I think it was just what I needed. Kimmy was in 8th grade when she went into the bunker, she is not jaded by life the way everyone around her is. She sees things the way a child would. The way an idealist (such as myself) should. Don't get me wrong, the show is silly - don't watch it expecting some great revelations BUT the underlying theme is the unbreakable spirit. The theme song plays off the (annoying) habit of reporters to find the most unintelligent person around to interview at the scene of a big story - so when they are found this crazy black guy is singing:

They Alive Dammit - it's a miracle
They Alive Dammit - women as strong as hell

and between that there is chorus of voices singing "unbreakable"

I did watch all 13 episodes on Tuesday so understandably, the theme song has been stuck in my head. And honestly...it has been helping me!

Wednesday was my mom's birthday. One of the reasons these cancer deaths are so scary is that my mom has cancer. I hate hearing stories of how cancer came back and killed someone - I am so afraid of losing my mom that way. But you know what? My mom turned 60 on Wednesday. She has had cancer for 9 years now I think. We are blessed. My brother wrote on Facebook that the day was special because it marked one more year she was our mom. He was right! So...I got up and I got dressed. Luckily I had the day off again (this one was planned already) and I spent the day with my parents. We didn't do anything especially grand but we spent the whole day together. We had lunch together and pigged out and then mom and I watched Alias until bedtime. It was a good day.

And today, I am at work. I have to be at work...but also, I am ready to be at work. I am alive (dammit). I am strong. I still believe love is the most powerful thing in the world. I still believe good is more powerful than evil. I am still an idealist at heart. There is a Carpenters song that I have always sort of claimed as my own that says I know I need to be in love - but I have never taken it to mean I need to hurry up and find someone. To me it has always been a reminder that I know I need to believe in love. I know I need to be myself...even when it is hard. The song says "I know ask perfection of a quite imperfect world, and fool enough to think that's what I'll find"

This week was hard. And I shut down for a little while. But I will not live in fear. I am not afraid of being shot. I am not afraid of dying of cancer. And this one is harder to say but...I will not live in fear that either of those things is going to take away all my loved ones. This is our life and we have to live it - not in fear but boldly. Even when it is scary.