Ch..ch..ch..changes

Today on my way to work I heard a song that instantly reminded me of a time in my life long past. A time that, I realized with a jolt, coincided with first learning that my Mom had cancer. It was early summer 2007. I was blown away by the news and I was floundering. I made some really stupid decisions and bad calls. Truth be told, some fun times, but still all in all, mostly bad decisions. I was looking for something or someone to hold on to and I was willing to grab just about anything. As I drove and considered that time and those decisions I was struck by the thought that the person I was back then is totally foreign to me now. She is stranger. It is hard to even recognize her really.

Of course the first thing that is easy to say is, well yeah you gained 50 pounds - no one recognizes you. It's true. But the funny thing is, even that is so different to me now. Don't get me wrong, I would love to look like I looked back then but my thoughts about my looks are so different now. I mean lets be real...I hated how I looked back then. I was constantly upset about how ugly and fat I was. Now I see pictures and I know I was beautiful, but the truth is I weighted my worth in how I was treated, particularly by boys, and I was treated awful so I felt awful. I am not single because I am fat. I was rejected more as a skinny girl than you can imagine...trust me! I look back on guys that would 'hang out' with me and literally tell me not to tell anyone about it...if someone said that to me today I would laugh in their face. I cannot image letting someone treat me that way - but I did back then, all the time. I lived in shadows and believed that is what I deserved.I am single now but it is my choice and I would rather be single, and fat, than ever be involved in that kind of 'relationship'...or friendship for that matter, again. I worry about my weight now, and some of it is still vanity. I would love to look better. I would love for people to look at me and think I look good, and I know the reality is that overweight people are not seen that way. Truth though? I know now that I am worth so much more than I ever thought I was back then. I know my flaws and I know my strengths and I know I was stupid way too many times. I have a different kind of beauty, I don't always see it or have faith in it, but I know I do.

8 Years. I still have the same job - but now it means so much to me. I take so much pride in my students and in things I do with them and that I watch them accomplish as they go through college. I love spending my evenings having book clubs and game nights or going to movies with my workers.They give my life so much meaning and I learn from them constantly. Working for Trevecca used to be something I couldn't wait to get away from...something I tried to hide from, all the rules and regulations. Now those are things I wrestle with but gladly and openly.  Being a librarian is something I am proud of and embrace, it is an accomplishment. It is me.

I have been told over and over that I spend too much time and attention on my family. That makes no sense to me. Maybe it is because I have no family of "my own". Maybe I am weird. But my Mom has cancer. I could have lost her 8 years ago. I could have lost her 7 years ago, 6 years ago, 5 years ago....on and on. Why would I not embrace and cherish every second I have with her since I didn't lose her? She spent my whole life taking care of me, why would I not now spend as much time as I am lucky enough to have trying my best to take care of her? How many people who have lost parents wouldn't give anything to have back that time? I love every moment I spend with my family. And not just my Mom. The cancer has made us all realize how important time is. I cherish my time with all of my family.

And my true friends. Those bad decisions I mentioned above...many of them were quickly followed by revelations about who those friends truly were. Funny thing...8 years later those true friends are still around. The other people I was trying so hard to grab on to? They are memories...again, nice memories and some still acquaintances, but not the things that held me firm when I needed it. Those friends stuck around even when I wasn't around much. Right after Mom told me she had cancer I texted Jen to tell her, and then I wouldn't talk about it to her. I just couldn't. I think it was too real if I talked to her. She was too real. She was one of the ones that stayed anyway. There were others. They are still there and spending time with them is now so much more important and worthwhile.

The other big thing that happened to me that changed me...my nephew. In those 8 years he has also faced a lot. And he and I faced a lot of things together. He lived with me for a time. And that changes you. Having someone else depend on you completely. He was always important to me, and I always made big decisions considering him. But once he lived with me and I spent day after day watching him deal with the things in his life I realized, it is not only the big things that matter. Every single decision I make affects his life. Now everything I do, every interaction I have, every way in which I live is done first considering how it will affect not just me, but him as well. And that changes everything. And it also makes you understand, nothing happens to just you. It is not just Michael that I affect with my life. Everything I do touches others. Every bad decision I make ripples out and causes another one. That me 8 years ago, she didn't believe that. She didn't think about it really. But it is true. Nothing we do is done in a vacuum. It is never okay to do something just because you want to. I read somewhere that if you have to hide what you are doing  you probably shouldn't do it. I think that is good advice. I would go further and say that if what you are doing is going to hurt someone else you better have a good reason for doing it, a better reason than 'It is what I want'. Not that you never do things for yourself, but that you always consider others before you do.

There are other changes of course, some big, some small. And some things not so different at all. My Best Friends...still my Best Friends. My flaws, a lot of them still the same. But I have grown so much. I don't say that to belittle that time in my life or anyone that was a part of it. I cherish it actually. It was very important to me, it taught me so much and helped me grow in ways I am so grateful for. It was fun and exciting and I would not trade it. I am just amazed when I reflect back on how far away it seems to me. Cancer is not the only thing that has changed in our family. We have all changed as well. Eight years has been a lifetime. I am not grateful for cancer, but I am happy to see positive changes in our lives. I am glad to know that I am different in more ways than just gaining weight and not going to as many shows anymore. Growing up isn't always easy, but seeing growth is a good feeling.

I Did It

Next topic...What are your 5 greatest accomplishments

Hmmm...I have to say this one is hard. I have made several accomplishments, but I am not sure what makes any one of them greater than another. I think every day is an accomplishment these days! Haha. I guess I will try to think of the things of which I am most proud...

Buying a home this year - it is old and in need of lots of work, but it is mine. Well not really. Not yet. Technically it will be the banks for 30 years, but the idea is that eventually it will be mine. I was not sure I ever wanted to buy a house. I like being about to move around. I have never stayed in one location for very long. I always felt that owning a home would give me a panic attack because I would feel so stuck. Maybe that feeling will eventually hit me, but almost a year later, I still love it. I have a huge hole in my kitchen ceiling right now...but I am still proud of it. I am more broke than ever and I worry sometimes how I will be able to pay my bills, but it still feels right. The house is just my personality, just the right size...it just fits me. I feel like it is maybe the most "grown up" thing I have ever done. It is fun! :)

My education - I am proud of how much I learn to love. No one accomplishment in particular, but just more of my schooling in general. I graduated in the top 20 at my high school, Cum Lade at college, and now I have 2 masters degrees. I began a PhD program at one point but was unable to continue it. I love learning. I love stretching my mind and asking questions. I feel that every piece of knowledge I have gained (whether I use it in every day life or not) is an accomplishment.

My personality - okay I know that one sounds weird, but I mean it! As a child I was so quiet and shy. I never spoke up or had much to say about anything. Oh there are people who wish that had stayed the same! I am very proud that I learned to step out of my introverted comfort zone and become a social person. I make friends easily and ALWAYS have something to say...pretty much about everything! I think the big accomplishment there was realizing that what I had to say was worth being heard, that my contributions to the world were worth making. I am still an introvert, but a very loud and social one! :)

My job - this one is sometimes a double edged sword for me. For so long I felt incredibly guilty for not being in ministry. I got the degrees, I had the training and...I didn't do it. I felt like so many people had supported me and encouraged me and I had let them all down. I lucked into my job at the library. I had worked as a student library assistant and they were gracious enough to give me a full time position when I desperately needed a job. I had no intention of staying there. And then finally one day I realized...I loved it. I was happier with what I was doing at the library than I ever had been attempting to do ministry. Maybe that is selfish. I still have doubts and feelings of guilt about that occasionally. Overall, though, I feel like I have achieved something incredible...I have a job I love. I get to be on a college campus (I am a huge nerd...need the atmosphere!). I get to work with student workers (so not very different from youth ministry I assure you). I get to indulge in my passion for literature and especially YA literature. I get to help people. I get to teach. There are more things I could list but...these are things that I love. I get to go and do them every day. I consider that something to be proud of.

My friends - I may have no right to feel pride over how cool my friends are but...I do! I am a very passionate person. I love people quickly and fully and sometimes very naively. I just trust that friendship is true and that people have my best interests at heart, as I try to have theirs. Obviously, that is not always true. I have been hurt and used and stepped on. I feel pride in the fact that, I have learned the difference. That still happens to me, because I still put myself out there. I still trust and hope and sometimes get burned. I have learned the joy and necessity, though, of true friendships. I have a group of people that surround me that I do not have worry about trusting. I know they are real friends and real support and give me real love. Some never learn this and constantly live with the drama and heartbreak of fair-weathered friends. I feel proud that I have a group I can consistently turn to.


Okay...that is 5. I don't know that it is particularly the TOP 5 accomplishments in my life, but it is 5.