Maybe I Was Wrong...

So this year I am supposed to be focusing on honesty. On being more honest in general, but especially with myself.
Honestly...all I keep thinking lately is...I wish I had a husband.

I wish I had a husband who could fix things around the house.
I wish I had a husband so the thought of losing my job wouldn't automatically mean bankruptcy and losing my home.
I wish I had a husband to lean on when I miss the kiddo.
I wish I had a husband to help pay the bills.
I wish I had a husband to invite to things when I am the only single person.
I wish...

I.HATE.THAT.I.WISH.THAT.

Don't get me wrong. I don't have any problem with husbands. I just never wanted to be married for any other reason than being crazy in love. So many people are married for the wrong reasons and I have never EVER wanted to be like them.

But these days I kind of do.

Life is scary these days. It is scary to be sick all the time. It is scary to be alone all the the time. It is scary to think...maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I can't do it.
Maybe I should have been more open to more people.
Maybe crazy in love isn't that important.
Maybe no one ever loved me at all so I just settled on saying it wasn't enough.
Maybe I am just a fraud.

I am so blessed with parents who support me. My dad takes care of my house, my mom comes to stay with me if I am too sick to be alone. They aren't supposed to have to do that forever though. They moved to the country to retire together. I hate that they have to constantly come back to take care of me. I want to be helping them.

I want to be strong enough to be the independent person I want to be.
I hate wondering if someone else would help make me stronger.
Maybe society is right...maybe I "need" a man.
These days it certainly seems like it, and yet that makes me less than who I want to be.

And then the real fear creeps in...maybe it is just ME. It is not that women need men. It is not that a woman can't be strong on her own.

It's that I am not.

I am not enough to be this person I have chosen to be...and yet I am.

And I have no idea what to do about it.