I've always had bad vision

So I turned 42 this weekend. I laughed with some friends that I am apparently old enough now not to care how old I am. I literally forgot my own age. Since I recently met several new people I had been saying to them I was 42. I mean I was almost there so it just made more sense. But then when my birthday came up I started saying I was turning 43! Ha. Lying about your age is apparently never smart. LOL.

This year just didn't seem very important to me, though. In terms of celebrating I mean. Some years I am all about my birthday and love making lots of plans. This year I didn't put much effort into it and it just kind of came and went. I went out with some friends and that was fun but I didn't get a chance to really see my family and I really wasn't feeling good most of the weekend. Anyway. I did get together with my girlfriends, which is one thing I really always want to do. We had been planning to get together and make vision boards. That wasn't really related to my birthday but...kind of an appropriate thing to do on a Birthday weekend I suppose.

So the title of this blog is a reference to my literal eyesight and the fact that I have very poor vision, but it is also basically true. I really struggled with the whole vision board thing. The other girls set right in and worked fast and had concrete ideas and I just leafed through magazines and tried to think...what is my vision?

The truth is right now I don't have much in terms of vision. I try to make it day by day. Some days that is harder than others. Some days I think good things are happening. Some days I think I won't make it to tomorrow. Such is life I guess. Mid-life crisis is apparently a real thing folks. It is hitting many of my friends hard and furious these days. So anyway I looked at what the other girls were doing and I loved their boards,  I could see so much of each friend's personality coming through in what they were doing. But none of them were me.

So I started cutting things out...mostly words. That is me. Words are important to me. They always have been. I found a few pictures that spoke to me but it was mostly words. Here are some of the ones that I found that are what my vision are. Not necessarily for my "future" but more just for life in general. For who I am trying to be. So I guess that is the future but not in the sense of things I want or even goals to achieve, but more ways I want to live. Here is my board:

Imagine Happiness: this was the first thing that went on my board. I do not care for people who say that we need to 'choose' to be happy, I think it is so much more complicated than that - but I do think we can MAKE choices because we can imagine that being happy is possible. I seek that.

above that says Get CAST - Drama, and an actress with 'Break a Leg' : If you have been reading my blog you know how much being in a play recently has meant to me. Acting has always been important to me. Being cast in my first play in High School began the process of fundamentally changing me as a person (you can read about that here if you are interested). For several years after that I participated in and/or at least attended as much theater as possible. But I have let that slowly fade from my life over the years. I don't know why. I don't mean to imply that all the sudden I am going to be in tons of plays or start a new kind of life. I just know I want that to be part of who I am again in some way. It is good for me, it is good for my soul. I have missed it. 

Notice Goodness: Another thing about me is that I am super empathetic. I don't know what you think about personality types but my old workplace was super into them so I have taken TONS of tests and over the years I became intrigued by them myself. Especially Myers Briggs. The truth is INFJ does a better job of describing me than I have been able to do myself! Haha. One of the things it explained to me that I never had words for is that I take the stress of other people onto myself. When my friends/family are hurting or in trouble...I am hurting. I feel like I need to do something. Their stress becomes my stress. I am not complaining about that. Being aware of the needs of others, and helping as much as possible is something I like about myself. BUT it can be draining. Especially when it is not just friends and family. When it feels like it is the whole world. The world is a mess these days. When you take that on yourself, well it can be overwhelming. So one of the things I KNOW I need to seek more and more is to notice GOODNESS in this world as well as things that need fixing.

Think Love: So this one has a double meaning. I have the worst dating record. Ever. Seriously. Many have told me I must not really want to settle down b/c I am only ever really attracted to unavailable men. I see what they are saying - it does seem to be a pattern, I mean married men, men who are about to move, men too old, men who literally "meet their soul mate" the next weekend, basically musicians...lol, men not over their ex's, men who can't get over themselves, no really the list goes on. BUT in my defense I don't usually know these things when I am attracted to them. But my track record is super bad. And the guys who ARE good guys I tend to NOT be attracted to. OR I become friends with them before I decide I am attracted to them and then they decide we are only friends. I have had very few relationships that have lasted more than a few months and I am super picky. So, one thing I have been trying to do is...think more about love. Do I want to find love? Am I willing to compromise with someone in order to not be alone? What are the things I am willing to compromise? Etc. Etc. I am really not sure but I am thinking that way. Even MORE than that, though, I want to ALWAYS think love first. In everything I do. I want to think love before I make choices. I want to think love before I respond in anger. I want to think love before everything.

Well this post is super long and I am not feeling well...which is funny because 'Be Healthier' is next. Ha. But I am going to stop here. Part 2 to come...

My Billboard

So for the past two months almost I have been on a road trip with my Dad. I have posted pictures on Facebook but otherwise I haven't really said much about it. A lot of people have made comments about it being a time of healing and recharging for the two of us after my Mother's death. In some ways it has been that. In others, not so much.

Right now I am at my Grandmother's house in Indiana. We will spend the week here, culminating in Thanksgiving with my Mom's family, and then go home. So the trip is not quite over but it feels like it is. This is basically home to us, always has been. It is good to be home.

We went to California to see our family, something we had been talking about doing for quite some time, but in particular because one of my Uncle's is sick. Cancer. Again cancer. My poor Dad. I am not sure how he is even coping right now but when we heard we just...went. And we stayed for over a month.

It was good, and also hard. We recharged, and also got drained in other ways. We spent time with my Uncle, we tried to help with some family issues, I got to know my Aunt better, we enjoyed camping, I visited a few friends I haven't seen in a long time. Much happened and yet much of the time we weren't really doing anything. It is hard to describe.

On the way from California to Indiana I was sick with a cold so my Dad drove almost the whole way. I was looking out the window and struck by the bareness of the dessert. Just behind us had been gorgeous mountains and scenery and now there was utter dryness and just nothing. I saw several beat up billboards that were just standing in the middle of this dessert area. They were not only empty but old and faded. You could see remnants of things that they used to say. They were not white and ready for a new message, but old and left over. They used to have things to say. They used to direct people and instruct. Now they just stood in the dessert and added to the barrenness.

I wish I had the presence of mind to snap a picture of one of them. I did not but the image burned in my mind throughout the trip. I feel like those old billboards. Many of them even had pieces missing. You could see their very structure showing through b/c some of the squares had fallen out - the wind was just blowing right through them.

I am just like that. I am a person who has always leaned on words. I love to talk and to read and to write. I never shut up many say. But these days I feel like my words are all gone. I have so many things I NEED to say. Emails to people I need to write, phone calls I need to make, blogs I should write, especially about my Mom. I WANT to be writing and working on my stories. My Dad has suggested that we all write down our memories of the night my Mom died. I cannot even bring myself to start.  My friend Karissa and I have been talking about staring a podcast about YA Lit and I think it is a great idea. I think we will be good at it. I have so many books on my 'to read' list that I want to read and talk with others about.

And yet...I feel like the wind is just blowing through me and that must be where all my words are. I don't know how to be the person I was. I don't know how to say and do the things I usually say and do...or write. I am trying. I will keep trying. But if you are waiting on an email or phone call, or if I have said I will do something with you - know it isn't you. It is me. I don't know how to tell you about my trip. I don't know how to write about my Mom. I don't even know how to be a friend or person right now.

Traveling was good for me. I think it was good for Dad too. It wasn't exactly the kind of trip full of relaxation and fun though. Watching someone else we love deal with cancer was devastating. Knowing my aunt here in Indiana is going through it as well breaks my heart. Life goes on. The wind keeps blowing and I keep standing. I believe one day maybe my sign will have words again. There ARE beautiful mountains in the distance. Maybe one day I can feel useful and functional. But for now it is enough to just be standing.

*Picture courtesy of the internet. This one is similar to the ones I saw