Ch..ch..ch..changes

Today on my way to work I heard a song that instantly reminded me of a time in my life long past. A time that, I realized with a jolt, coincided with first learning that my Mom had cancer. It was early summer 2007. I was blown away by the news and I was floundering. I made some really stupid decisions and bad calls. Truth be told, some fun times, but still all in all, mostly bad decisions. I was looking for something or someone to hold on to and I was willing to grab just about anything. As I drove and considered that time and those decisions I was struck by the thought that the person I was back then is totally foreign to me now. She is stranger. It is hard to even recognize her really.

Of course the first thing that is easy to say is, well yeah you gained 50 pounds - no one recognizes you. It's true. But the funny thing is, even that is so different to me now. Don't get me wrong, I would love to look like I looked back then but my thoughts about my looks are so different now. I mean lets be real...I hated how I looked back then. I was constantly upset about how ugly and fat I was. Now I see pictures and I know I was beautiful, but the truth is I weighted my worth in how I was treated, particularly by boys, and I was treated awful so I felt awful. I am not single because I am fat. I was rejected more as a skinny girl than you can imagine...trust me! I look back on guys that would 'hang out' with me and literally tell me not to tell anyone about it...if someone said that to me today I would laugh in their face. I cannot image letting someone treat me that way - but I did back then, all the time. I lived in shadows and believed that is what I deserved.I am single now but it is my choice and I would rather be single, and fat, than ever be involved in that kind of 'relationship'...or friendship for that matter, again. I worry about my weight now, and some of it is still vanity. I would love to look better. I would love for people to look at me and think I look good, and I know the reality is that overweight people are not seen that way. Truth though? I know now that I am worth so much more than I ever thought I was back then. I know my flaws and I know my strengths and I know I was stupid way too many times. I have a different kind of beauty, I don't always see it or have faith in it, but I know I do.

8 Years. I still have the same job - but now it means so much to me. I take so much pride in my students and in things I do with them and that I watch them accomplish as they go through college. I love spending my evenings having book clubs and game nights or going to movies with my workers.They give my life so much meaning and I learn from them constantly. Working for Trevecca used to be something I couldn't wait to get away from...something I tried to hide from, all the rules and regulations. Now those are things I wrestle with but gladly and openly.  Being a librarian is something I am proud of and embrace, it is an accomplishment. It is me.

I have been told over and over that I spend too much time and attention on my family. That makes no sense to me. Maybe it is because I have no family of "my own". Maybe I am weird. But my Mom has cancer. I could have lost her 8 years ago. I could have lost her 7 years ago, 6 years ago, 5 years ago....on and on. Why would I not embrace and cherish every second I have with her since I didn't lose her? She spent my whole life taking care of me, why would I not now spend as much time as I am lucky enough to have trying my best to take care of her? How many people who have lost parents wouldn't give anything to have back that time? I love every moment I spend with my family. And not just my Mom. The cancer has made us all realize how important time is. I cherish my time with all of my family.

And my true friends. Those bad decisions I mentioned above...many of them were quickly followed by revelations about who those friends truly were. Funny thing...8 years later those true friends are still around. The other people I was trying so hard to grab on to? They are memories...again, nice memories and some still acquaintances, but not the things that held me firm when I needed it. Those friends stuck around even when I wasn't around much. Right after Mom told me she had cancer I texted Jen to tell her, and then I wouldn't talk about it to her. I just couldn't. I think it was too real if I talked to her. She was too real. She was one of the ones that stayed anyway. There were others. They are still there and spending time with them is now so much more important and worthwhile.

The other big thing that happened to me that changed me...my nephew. In those 8 years he has also faced a lot. And he and I faced a lot of things together. He lived with me for a time. And that changes you. Having someone else depend on you completely. He was always important to me, and I always made big decisions considering him. But once he lived with me and I spent day after day watching him deal with the things in his life I realized, it is not only the big things that matter. Every single decision I make affects his life. Now everything I do, every interaction I have, every way in which I live is done first considering how it will affect not just me, but him as well. And that changes everything. And it also makes you understand, nothing happens to just you. It is not just Michael that I affect with my life. Everything I do touches others. Every bad decision I make ripples out and causes another one. That me 8 years ago, she didn't believe that. She didn't think about it really. But it is true. Nothing we do is done in a vacuum. It is never okay to do something just because you want to. I read somewhere that if you have to hide what you are doing  you probably shouldn't do it. I think that is good advice. I would go further and say that if what you are doing is going to hurt someone else you better have a good reason for doing it, a better reason than 'It is what I want'. Not that you never do things for yourself, but that you always consider others before you do.

There are other changes of course, some big, some small. And some things not so different at all. My Best Friends...still my Best Friends. My flaws, a lot of them still the same. But I have grown so much. I don't say that to belittle that time in my life or anyone that was a part of it. I cherish it actually. It was very important to me, it taught me so much and helped me grow in ways I am so grateful for. It was fun and exciting and I would not trade it. I am just amazed when I reflect back on how far away it seems to me. Cancer is not the only thing that has changed in our family. We have all changed as well. Eight years has been a lifetime. I am not grateful for cancer, but I am happy to see positive changes in our lives. I am glad to know that I am different in more ways than just gaining weight and not going to as many shows anymore. Growing up isn't always easy, but seeing growth is a good feeling.