Most people who know me know that I unapologetically say I am an idealist. I admit I don't know how to work everything out but I just believe there IS a best way to do things. I believe love is the answer - I don't settle for less than everything. I am just an idealist. Sometimes that can be hard. I shared this cartoon on Facebook the other day. It wasn't really funny to me though, it was exactly how I was feeling.
For a long time I simply didn't watch the news. I didn't want to know about the bad things happening. I have realized that is not acceptable. I need to aware and informed, but sometimes it gets to be too much. This week was that way.
Between the shooting in Chattanooga - which was not only an hour away geographically from my home but also touched the life of a friend of a friend, and the theater shooting, which was also not that far away geographically and directly touched the lives of several friends here in town, I was already shaken. Then on Friday of last week I found out someone I went to high school with passed away from cancer. On Monday Kim and I went to his viewing. We talked afterwards about trying to find some sense of closure and how hard that was to find. Then the next morning I woke up and before I even got out of bed I checked Facebook to find out about yet another death. A beautiful young mother I had been following via blog that I didn't know personally but that was friends with friends of mine.
I just shut down. I sent in an email to work that I was taking a sick day. Which was very true. My head was pounding and I was just sick. I pulled the covers back over my head and I just laid there for the longest time. I didn't even cry, I just felt shell shocked almost. It was just too much. I spent that entire day in my PJs, mostly in my bed. I just felt like I couldn't deal with the world - like I didn't have any more to offer. If everyone was just going to die what was the point anyway?
I finally decided to watch some Netflix and decided on the new Tina Fey show The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It is a silly and kind of weird show about a girl who was kidnapped and spent 15 years in a bunker where she was told the world had ended. She is finally rescued and now she has to readjust to life in real life. Funny enough I think it was just what I needed. Kimmy was in 8th grade when she went into the bunker, she is not jaded by life the way everyone around her is. She sees things the way a child would. The way an idealist (such as myself) should. Don't get me wrong, the show is silly - don't watch it expecting some great revelations BUT the underlying theme is the unbreakable spirit. The theme song plays off the (annoying) habit of reporters to find the most unintelligent person around to interview at the scene of a big story - so when they are found this crazy black guy is singing:
They Alive Dammit - it's a miracle
They Alive Dammit - women as strong as hell
and between that there is chorus of voices singing "unbreakable"
I did watch all 13 episodes on Tuesday so understandably, the theme song has been stuck in my head. And honestly...it has been helping me!
Wednesday was my mom's birthday. One of the reasons these cancer deaths are so scary is that my mom has cancer. I hate hearing stories of how cancer came back and killed someone - I am so afraid of losing my mom that way. But you know what? My mom turned 60 on Wednesday. She has had cancer for 9 years now I think. We are blessed. My brother wrote on Facebook that the day was special because it marked one more year she was our mom. He was right! So...I got up and I got dressed. Luckily I had the day off again (this one was planned already) and I spent the day with my parents. We didn't do anything especially grand but we spent the whole day together. We had lunch together and pigged out and then mom and I watched Alias until bedtime. It was a good day.
And today, I am at work. I have to be at work...but also, I am ready to be at work. I am alive (dammit). I am strong. I still believe love is the most powerful thing in the world. I still believe good is more powerful than evil. I am still an idealist at heart. There is a Carpenters song that I have always sort of claimed as my own that says I know I need to be in love - but I have never taken it to mean I need to hurry up and find someone. To me it has always been a reminder that I know I need to believe in love. I know I need to be myself...even when it is hard. The song says "I know ask perfection of a quite imperfect world, and fool enough to think that's what I'll find"
This week was hard. And I shut down for a little while. But I will not live in fear. I am not afraid of being shot. I am not afraid of dying of cancer. And this one is harder to say but...I will not live in fear that either of those things is going to take away all my loved ones. This is our life and we have to live it - not in fear but boldly. Even when it is scary.
No comments:
Post a Comment