Faithful Doubting

So something I struggle with a lot is my faith. Sometimes I think I just don't have any at all any more. I think my problem is that I am, at heart, a hopeless romantic. Not that this has anything to do with romance. Except, maybe it does. It has do with the idea of all or nothing for me. It is about idealism. I am a idealistic person. This is totally weird because I am also a realist. I understand I cannot actually be both, and yet...Well you can understand why I struggle so much I guess.

Currently I am really heartbroken about these "illegal" children that want to come into America. I spent the weekend at my parent's home which means I watched the news all weekend. I don't watch the news normally. This because I am an idealist and when I watch the news I often become very angry and/or depressed about our world. I kid you not. It really is a problem for me. I get really moody and you don't want to be around me after I have seen too much news. I often yell at news reporters during the news and I never like it. So, mostly I just avoid it. I find I hear about most things through social media and/or interacting with people. I then ask people I trust 'so what is going on with so-and-so' to get more details when I feel like it is something I should know about. Most people consider this a stick your head in the sand method of living but I have found it is better for my emotional sanity, and that of those who have to survive around me.

So what does any of this have to do with my faith or idealism? I am getting there...kind of. So here is the thing. If I believe in God...

************Side story I have to tell - I was having a conversation like this with two of my best friends recently and Karissa and I were arguing theology and ethics and who knows what else, as we love to do, and Jen was listening from the back seat, as she is prone to do, and I said what I just said above "If we believe in God" and she injected from the back calmly but firmly and with total assurance as she knows all three of us well enough to have this assurance, "and we do". Wow. What an important thing to have coming from behind your theological pondering. A quiet reminder that even when we doubt and question...we do in fact believe. So mom...it's okay to start breathing. I do remember, and thank God I am surrounded by those who remind me, "and we do."****************

So...if I believe in God (and I do) I have realized the problem I have with believing in God is that He is unbelievable! I mean He became FULLY human and then performed miracles...wait I thought he was fully human? and he was still GOD too? And what about the Old Testament...it doesn't all make sense. I am a realist for goodness sake. But wait...no I am not. Am I? See...it is so confusing! God does NOT make sense. But Christianity, and everyone else, keeps telling me I have to live in a world that makes sense and I don't really deal with that very well. They keep saying things like but we live in THIS world.

So in this world, there are all these kids who want to come to America and we don't know what to do with them. We don't know how to take care of them and quite frankly...they aren't our problem right? I mean I get that, I understand it. But....

The thing is, I can't stop thinking about this story in the Bible about when Jesus was teaching and all these people came to see what He had to offer and there were SO many of them. I mean way too many. And they were getting hungry and it was late and really there was nothing the disciples could do. I mean realistically they could not take care of these people. Right? So Jesus just finds out what they DO have, he blesses it, he shares it with everyone...and somehow there is enough for not only them, not only everyone that is there...but there are freaking LEFTOVERS people. (obviously I am just paraphrasing here). There is food for EVEN MORE PEOPLE.

Now understand me. I am a realist. If you ask me if I believe the stories in the Bible are "true"....I will probably say no. I will probably tell you they are all meant to teach us things.I will probably tell you that they are cultural stories from a particular time and particular people that are not really meant to be taken literally by us today.

But...if I am going to believe in God (and I...want...to) I am not sure that is good enough for me. I am not sure I can stand to watch children standing behind a fence not being fed and believe that a story about God who can feed them is "not really" real. If God is not really big enough to really feed those children, then maybe He is not really big enough. And the thing is...I AM an idealist. I think that as hard as it is to believe, and as true as it is that I do NOT know how to tell you it will work, I do think He is big enough.

If we send those people away, we are NOT believing in Christ. We are NOT being Christians. We are being realists. I do not think you can be a realist and be really believing in God. He is way too Big for that. I know it sounds silly. I know it sounds impossible. I know it is not simple. I just know my heart breaks for those children, and for their families. And for those of us on this side who call ourselves Christians and then doubt our faith so much that we won't even share the little bit of bread and fish we have.

Days Like This...

When I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia I wasn't thrilled with it. It was awesome in some ways to have an answer to what I was suffering, but it was also an answer that the majority of people didn't actually believe in. I wasn't even totally convinced that my doctor totally bought it. It felt kind of like a diagnosis to give someone you were tired of dealing with.

Truth be told sometimes I still feel that way. Sometimes I doubt the validity of my own pain. Maybe I am just a baby. Maybe I am just lazy and fat. Maybe everyone who is my age and size feels the way I feel. I mean I have had 2 back surgeries already, but it is not like I am the only  one who has ever gone through that. In fact I have a friend very close to my age who has also had two surgeries. She doesn't sit around and complain...she has 2 kids and runs marathons for fun! (Yeah she is kind of my hero!). So...maybe I should just shut up.

And then there are days like today.

Days when I wake up thinking it might be a good day. I don't work till 11:30 so I sleep in till 8:30 and lay in bed with the dog till 9. I am sore but think I will be fine once I get moving. I am wrong. I have to use both hands to grip the rail to get down my steps when I take the dog out. When I sit down to watch TV with my cats I cannot handle having them on me. Every time one of them steps on my leg or nudges my arms I literally cry out in pain. Eventually I have to shoo them away. When I get dressed for work I end up in tears. It hurts that much to put on my clothing. I am at work now. I am here until 8pm tonight. The thought of doing anything for that long is daunting. The idea that in 15 minutes I have to go upstairs and sit at the public desk and smile and greet people exhausts me. The reality that I might have to get out of my chair and go help someone petrifies me.

Every part of my body hurts today. I am tired. I am in pain. It is not in my head. It is not laziness. It is not my fault. It is days like this I know I may not be the strongest person around but I do have to fight. Every single day. Days like today I can only ask of my friends....pray for me. Even the strength to do that seems to elude me.

Insomnia

The tears in my eyes threaten to spill

The strength I long to have is far from me

Truth is impossible to deny when I find myself again alone 

Lies of the day echoing all around

Happy is not something I can chose to be

Healthy no blessing to count

I am no more than this heap of quivering and

I am much less than I pretend 

Perhaps they were always right

I cannot do it alone

If only that were a choice I had made, as so many assume

Instead of a reality forced by something unknown

So strong for everyone else

At least there were times that I was

Now I wonder if I can be strong at all

Or if the dam has finally burst

The tears are openly beginning to fall

And the chance for anything else 

Is as far away as it seems

As untrue as I always believed