Faith That Isn't Simple

I have been going through my old CDs and ripping the music to my computer (that is what it is called....I hate that though, sounds terrible!) and then getting rid of a lot of them just to cut down on clutter and so forth. This morning on my way out the door I grabbed one from the top of the pile I have yet to go through and stuck it in my CD player in the car. It was a Christian band I was obsessed with back in the day (I couldn't even tell you which day...at some point in my past though) that almost no one else ever heard of. They were called The Normals. I loved them before I discovered this fact, but one of the things I really liked about them, was that their name is due to them being from the town of Normal Illinois. That is near where my grandparents live and I have been through it many times and somehow that made me feel connected to them. Like I said....I was a bit obsessed.

So this morning as the music filled my car I was astonished to find I still remembered almost all the lyrics! I could sing along and barely missed a beat. It was fun. Very nostalgic and moving. I found my eyes brimming, almost to tears at a song I had particularly been partial to in the past. But I was also astonished at how SIMPLE all the lyrics were. I remember being so moved and touched by this music. How it helped me to have faith....what? Well...I guess I could just say another one bites the dust of being a religion major. It is hard to find much substance in "I leave a tip like I think Jesus would" (to be fair they have some MUCH deeper lyrics than that but that is the one that hit me this morning) after studying Biblical and historical and systematic theology for 7 years. It just is.

But then I got to thinking about a conversation I had earlier this week with a friend of mine about faith and grace and what we believe about those things. Why we believe what we believe about those things, and why those things are so hard to believe. The thing is...they are hard. Faith is not simple. Grace is not simple. I mean I know we want to say yes it is, you just accept it and there it is. But come on, it is not. There are so many things that make it hard.

Individualism makes it hard. Logic and reasoning make it hard. Other world cultures and belief systems and realities make it hard. So many things make it hard. Sometimes I miss those days when I could listen to simple songs about what Jesus would do and find faith so easily. But...the truth is I am glad I don't find it easy. I do not want it to be simple. I don't think it should be simple. I think if there is something worth having faith in it should be hard. It should be complex and we should struggle with it and fight with it, and it with us. Sometimes I am not sure who wins in that kind of battle. But then I realize that maybe that is not the kind of fight that it is.

Faithful Doubting

So something I struggle with a lot is my faith. Sometimes I think I just don't have any at all any more. I think my problem is that I am, at heart, a hopeless romantic. Not that this has anything to do with romance. Except, maybe it does. It has do with the idea of all or nothing for me. It is about idealism. I am a idealistic person. This is totally weird because I am also a realist. I understand I cannot actually be both, and yet...Well you can understand why I struggle so much I guess.

Currently I am really heartbroken about these "illegal" children that want to come into America. I spent the weekend at my parent's home which means I watched the news all weekend. I don't watch the news normally. This because I am an idealist and when I watch the news I often become very angry and/or depressed about our world. I kid you not. It really is a problem for me. I get really moody and you don't want to be around me after I have seen too much news. I often yell at news reporters during the news and I never like it. So, mostly I just avoid it. I find I hear about most things through social media and/or interacting with people. I then ask people I trust 'so what is going on with so-and-so' to get more details when I feel like it is something I should know about. Most people consider this a stick your head in the sand method of living but I have found it is better for my emotional sanity, and that of those who have to survive around me.

So what does any of this have to do with my faith or idealism? I am getting there...kind of. So here is the thing. If I believe in God...

************Side story I have to tell - I was having a conversation like this with two of my best friends recently and Karissa and I were arguing theology and ethics and who knows what else, as we love to do, and Jen was listening from the back seat, as she is prone to do, and I said what I just said above "If we believe in God" and she injected from the back calmly but firmly and with total assurance as she knows all three of us well enough to have this assurance, "and we do". Wow. What an important thing to have coming from behind your theological pondering. A quiet reminder that even when we doubt and question...we do in fact believe. So mom...it's okay to start breathing. I do remember, and thank God I am surrounded by those who remind me, "and we do."****************

So...if I believe in God (and I do) I have realized the problem I have with believing in God is that He is unbelievable! I mean He became FULLY human and then performed miracles...wait I thought he was fully human? and he was still GOD too? And what about the Old Testament...it doesn't all make sense. I am a realist for goodness sake. But wait...no I am not. Am I? See...it is so confusing! God does NOT make sense. But Christianity, and everyone else, keeps telling me I have to live in a world that makes sense and I don't really deal with that very well. They keep saying things like but we live in THIS world.

So in this world, there are all these kids who want to come to America and we don't know what to do with them. We don't know how to take care of them and quite frankly...they aren't our problem right? I mean I get that, I understand it. But....

The thing is, I can't stop thinking about this story in the Bible about when Jesus was teaching and all these people came to see what He had to offer and there were SO many of them. I mean way too many. And they were getting hungry and it was late and really there was nothing the disciples could do. I mean realistically they could not take care of these people. Right? So Jesus just finds out what they DO have, he blesses it, he shares it with everyone...and somehow there is enough for not only them, not only everyone that is there...but there are freaking LEFTOVERS people. (obviously I am just paraphrasing here). There is food for EVEN MORE PEOPLE.

Now understand me. I am a realist. If you ask me if I believe the stories in the Bible are "true"....I will probably say no. I will probably tell you they are all meant to teach us things.I will probably tell you that they are cultural stories from a particular time and particular people that are not really meant to be taken literally by us today.

But...if I am going to believe in God (and I...want...to) I am not sure that is good enough for me. I am not sure I can stand to watch children standing behind a fence not being fed and believe that a story about God who can feed them is "not really" real. If God is not really big enough to really feed those children, then maybe He is not really big enough. And the thing is...I AM an idealist. I think that as hard as it is to believe, and as true as it is that I do NOT know how to tell you it will work, I do think He is big enough.

If we send those people away, we are NOT believing in Christ. We are NOT being Christians. We are being realists. I do not think you can be a realist and be really believing in God. He is way too Big for that. I know it sounds silly. I know it sounds impossible. I know it is not simple. I just know my heart breaks for those children, and for their families. And for those of us on this side who call ourselves Christians and then doubt our faith so much that we won't even share the little bit of bread and fish we have.