Feeling Crazy

I have always loved animals, but I have never been super obsessed with them. I had pretty much decided not to have any more myself, but when we (Michael and I) moved into the new house a few years ago he wanted a dog SO badly. I wouldn't let him get one unless we could get the yard fenced and I couldn't afford to fence the yard just yet so we were waiting. And then I saw a Facebook post from the Old Hickory neighborhood page advertising free kittens. We decided to go look. When we got there the woman said there were only 2 left unclaimed. Michael knelt on the floor playing with them and told we "HAD" to take them both. They would be so lonely if we didn't. Of course, I gave in. Who could say no to these two? Or to Michael for that matter?

 So much cuteness! They grew quickly! They were crazy...and just got bigger and crazier and more fun. (and more trouble in some ways). I admit it. I fell in love. I became crazy cat lady. I posted pictures constantly. I took even more pictures than I posted. I talked to my cats all the time. I adore them.

So...this year a lot is going on and I moved out of my house. Currently I am living in a house we are attempting to sell. And when it does sell I will be moving in with my parents. My parents do not like cats and even if they did, my mom is really allergic to cats. This didn't used to be a huge issue but for some reason since her surgery last summer her allergies seem to be bothering her more than they used to (1/2 her lung was removed so...) so now it IS kind of a big deal. SO, in order to make the move possible and to achieve the simplicity I am seeking this year I agreed (with my heartbreak) to give my beloved cats away. I searched for over 2 months for a new home for them. I believed I would find a family that would take them in and care for them. I never did. I called animal and cat rescues as well as vets offices. Everyone told me the same thing, it is really hard to find adoptive families for adult cats right now, call the Humane Society. I finally did last week. The temporary home I had found for the girls was no longer working out and I had no more options. With much sadness I took them to the Humane Society and I left them. It was heartbreaking but I thought it was over.

Today they called me. Zoe has feline leukemia. They cannot place her up for adoption and I have to  go back and pick her up tomorrow or they will put her to sleep. This means my girls MUST be separated. Zee is not sick but she could catch it from Zoe if they stay together so I have to pick one of them up but leave her sister there. I have no idea what I am going to do with Zoe. I cannot fathom finding someone to care for a sick animal when I could not find anyone even willing to take a healthy one. I am going to try to work something out with my parents and get her to a vet to find out how sick she really is. I want to make her life as easy for her as possible. I know she is sick and will possibly not live long, but I also know some cats do live with the disease for a very long time. I do not feel it is fair to kill her simply b/c she has the disease somewhere inside her and it is inconvenient to us.

I am so sad to know she is sick. I have an overwhelming desire to just grab both girls and run back to my little house and keep them both there and safe. That is not possible, for many reasons, I know, but it is what I want to do. I feel a little silly being so upset and dramatic about my animals. I realize I have become that obsessive person. They are my babies. I am heartbroken knowing they are sick and scared and not only separated from me but from one another. I feel so helpless and like I have totally failed them. I am out of ideas. I am sad and uncertain and have no idea what to do next. Who knew such a little animal could cause all this.