When I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia I wasn't thrilled with it. It was awesome in some ways to have an answer to what I was suffering, but it was also an answer that the majority of people didn't actually believe in. I wasn't even totally convinced that my doctor totally bought it. It felt kind of like a diagnosis to give someone you were tired of dealing with.
Truth be told sometimes I still feel that way. Sometimes I doubt the validity of my own pain. Maybe I am just a baby. Maybe I am just lazy and fat. Maybe everyone who is my age and size feels the way I feel. I mean I have had 2 back surgeries already, but it is not like I am the only one who has ever gone through that. In fact I have a friend very close to my age who has also had two surgeries. She doesn't sit around and complain...she has 2 kids and runs marathons for fun! (Yeah she is kind of my hero!). So...maybe I should just shut up.
And then there are days like today.
Days when I wake up thinking it might be a good day. I don't work till 11:30 so I sleep in till 8:30 and lay in bed with the dog till 9. I am sore but think I will be fine once I get moving. I am wrong. I have to use both hands to grip the rail to get down my steps when I take the dog out. When I sit down to watch TV with my cats I cannot handle having them on me. Every time one of them steps on my leg or nudges my arms I literally cry out in pain. Eventually I have to shoo them away. When I get dressed for work I end up in tears. It hurts that much to put on my clothing. I am at work now. I am here until 8pm tonight. The thought of doing anything for that long is daunting. The idea that in 15 minutes I have to go upstairs and sit at the public desk and smile and greet people exhausts me. The reality that I might have to get out of my chair and go help someone petrifies me.
Every part of my body hurts today. I am tired. I am in pain. It is not in my head. It is not laziness. It is not my fault. It is days like this I know I may not be the strongest person around but I do have to fight. Every single day. Days like today I can only ask of my friends....pray for me. Even the strength to do that seems to elude me.
1 comment:
I pray you find comfort soon!
While you and I have had similar battles, we are in completely different wars! Believe me, I get flare-ups that are most painful. I understand feeling like everyone's tired of hearing my complaints. (I only discuss it with Erik now.) I have to keep moving, though, so I can give the girls the active childhood they deserve. I know my limits...and it kills me that I can't always pick them up. I rely on others to carry them to bed or load/unload them from their carseats.
Your situation is very different...and very real! I know the frustration of having an answer that doesn't satisfy.
Several years ago, I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. It was supposed to be the answer to why I thought and behaved so erratically. But there's no cure. There's no pill. There's no real solution. Anytime I've tried to explain it to someone, they'd say, "Is that really a diagnosis?"
Your pain is real. That's what's most important. You feel it. You might doubt the validity of your diagnosis, but it's there. It doesn't feel like an answer, but it's a start. You will have bad days.
Just know that you have a slew of friends and family who are rooting for you!
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