I'm Not Sorry

I read a book awhile back called Beauty Queens. when I first saw the book I was like UGH but it turned out to be this super sarcastic, AWESOME book that basically debunked all the stupid ideas about what beauty is and what girls "should" be.

One of the most powerful parts of the book for me was when the girls (a group of beauty queen contestants are in a plane crash and stuck on an island) are talking and decide they will no longer say "I am sorry". They forbid the use of the phrase on the island.

Now, there are times when being sorry is, of course, very appropriate. Times when you need to beg for forgiveness even! But these girls were talking about being sorry for the things they were thinking. Or being sorry for the way they looked. Or being sorry for not doing something perfectly. They were so conditioned to do certain things and behave certain ways that if they strayed one bit, they immediately felt the need to apologize.

I am that way. Oh I am not obvious about it, my apologies come out defensive most of the time. Well I am sorry I am not being who you want me to be....trying to make it sound like I am not in fact sorry...but proving by the very need I have to say it out loud that in fact I am sorry.

There are many things I am not. There are many things I am that "most" (what a stupid thing to say) girls are not. I am defensive about most of them. I often blog about those things in fact, because this seems a good place for me to "explain myself".

Well yeah, I am not a minister BUT...here is why.

Well yeah, I am overweight BUT you don't know the whole story.

Well yeah so I am still single BUT....

You know what? I don't' need to explain myself! I think I do, and I keep finding myself attempting to. But...like the crazy girls in the crazy book...I am not allowing it anymore. No more "I am sorry" for me.

I am librarian. Not a minister.
I am fat...I didn't used to be, now I am.
I am not married. I am not dating. I am a horrible girlfriend.

That is just the way it is. I am not going to explain myself to you. If you love me, you don't care why those things are. They are just me. If you need an explanation, obviously you don't really love me.

I think there are times that I share things about myself that are not self-destructive. Sometimes I want to talk about it, I want to get it out. Or maybe I am working through something and want to air it all out. That is fine, even healthy I think. But I am going to do my best to learn to just BE myself and stop feeling that anything about ME needs to be explained or apologized for. I am who I am.