Musings on Love

So it is Valentine's Day. I am single so I have to write a blog about how sad my life is, and/or how happy I am to be single. The thing is, neither is true. Love is such a tricky thing. Some seem to find it so easily and others seem to struggle so much. This Valentines Day I am trying to be honest about love in my life (remember...my word for the year!). It is not what I ever expected it to be.

I think back, today, on all the men who have been a part of my life 'romantically' in any way. I guess in many cases all the boys who are now (hopefully) men. The ones that didn't last, the ones that didn't ever really happen, the ones I regret and the ones I miss. Okay now it sounds like there have been a lot...that is a bit misleading. The thing is part of me wishes I could look at all of those men who in one way or another passed on me and I want to say...ha, your loss. But that is not true. I don't say this in a self-pitying way or looking for affirmation, but rather in an honest way. What I really think about those men is, man you sure dodged a bullet with me! My life is so complicated. The last real relationship I was in I ended and the guy, because he was hurt, lashed out at me after the fact saying that I was too focused on other things - on my family, on my health, on my friends. The thing is, he was right. So many people will say things like, when you find the RIGHT guy they will focus on those things with you. Maybe so...but I feel like I have it in the wrong order. I think if I fell in love with someone and they with me then yes they should care about my crazy life just as much as I do, but to START with the crazy life and health...yeah, why would anyone do that? Ha ha.

This past year I got caught up in the idea of guys and 'love' for the first time in a long time. My friends were surprised I think, the truth is they don't even think of me as single or looking. I am just Karla. But last year I reconnected with someone I had always had a thing for after many years. Ultimately back then, nothing happened with us, he met someone else and I accepted it and moved on, but he was always this 'what if' in the back of my mind. I really liked him. We talked some last year, he was out of a long relationship and single again, I had just had surgery. Neither of us was in a great place. But I thought, truly, I would finally get to find out 'what if'. I thought I would get that phone call and first date that never happened all those years ago. I didn't. Apparently he wasn't really anymore interested this time around. I am not upset at this person, but it did make me sad. It would be nice to have someone to go through things with. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to enjoy life with. Made me contemplate dating again and getting back out there.

I didn't. Not with him, obviously, but also not at all. The truth is, as nice a thought as it was, that is not part of my life. As my ex not-so-nicely put it, I don't have room for that. My life is complicated and very full. And that IS sad. Days like today make it really sad sometimes.But the thing is, by the time I get home tonight I won't have the energy or time to be someone's valentine. I will be much happier curling up with my kittens and a book. And the other thing is, my full life IS full of love. It is full of more true friends than a shy, introverted nerd like me ever expected to have. It is full of family that I never knew could be my best friends. It is full of college kids that give my life so much laughter and love and meaning.

I love so much...today and every day. Just me, single Karla that will probably never end up in a "normal" relationship, but I treasure all the love in my life. To all those men I ever did, or even considered loving: I hope you have found love with someone else. I hope your life is happy and full. Sometimes I miss the thought of you, but always I am grateful for love. Love in all its many forms and colors and beauty.

Happy Valentines Day. It is okay to be a little sad about love that you don't have, I am. Don't forget, though, to always celebrate the love that you do!