Happily Never After

Recently a friend asked me if I wanted to be in a committed relationship. That conversation had a totally different context than this post, but it has had me thinking a lot about what it is that i want from life. At age 36 am I still looking for a happily ever after? Well...obviously the easy answer is yes. The question is, what does that look like to me?

I have had several people in my life tell me that I close myself off to relationships. They claim that I do not come across to men as interested, that I only have interest in unavailable men, etc. etc. I don't really know what to say to THAT. I have never intentionally behaved that way, but I am smart enough to know that doesn't mean it hasn't happened. What I do know is that I have long since made peace with the idea of being single. Not that I am opposed to being with someone, but more that I am also not opposed to being without. 

So many girls (and a lot of guys too for that matter) seem so convinced that the only way to truly be happy is to find that "one" person. It is all they really care about until they do, and in my opinion they often settle for less than what they really want because they are afraid to not have anyone. I am not that person. I don't buy it. I don't even want to buy it. Which is not to say I don't want it. I watch romantic comedies...I read books...I love a good princess story. The world tells us we are not whole till we find that love. Sometimes I feel just lonely enough to think maybe it is true. Sometimes I think maybe I should call up that guy. You know, the one that really likes me and is so sweet. I don't really have any feelings for him but MAYBE...maybe I am just being "closed off" like my friends say. Maybe if I give it more time I will fall for him. Maybe that is better than being alone.

Then I slap myself silly and say UMMM NO. I am too stubborn. I am to set in my ways. I am too picky. I refuse to settle. So....does that mean I will just stay single? Probably. LOL. That is what I have realized. That is what I have agreed to with myself. The truth is I am stubborn, and set in my ways, and hard to please, and flawed in a million different ways. If I met a male version of myself...well I wouldn't want to date him! So I don't really expect anyone to decide that they want to either. And the thing is, that is the only thing I will accept. I will not change who I am to "get" someone else. I refuse to act more girly or less smart, or less nerdy, or more trendy or whatever. I am me, and that has to be enough. If it is not enough for anyone to love, then it has to be enough for me to live alone with.

So what do I want? Truth be told I want somebody to fall crazy in love with me. I also want to fall crazy in love with that same person (timing has always been an issue for me so I should also state at the same time!). The thing that would make it a fairy tale for me is for that to happen to the me I am now. Not necessarily now as in at this time, but the me that I am now. There are a lot of things I want to change about myself. 

I want to be more patient. I want to be more tolerant. I want to spend more time writing and more time singing. I want to lose a lot of weight. I want to become a better cook. I want watch the news more often and be more politically aware. I want to help the world. I want to go easier on myself. I want to push myself harder. I want to be more confident. I want to attend church more regularly. I want to get my teeth whitened. I want to do yoga. I want to travel more. I want to get and ride a bicycle. I want to understand God. I want to learn about the ways others understand God. I want to learn to keep my house cleaner. I want to have a nice yard. I want to....well as you can see there are many things I want to do. But I want to do those things for ME. 

I would love for someone to be in love with THIS girl, though. Not the one I might be someday. I hope someday I will be at least more like her than I am now, but the truth is if I were to ever think about true love I want to know that they love this me. The flawed, less beautiful, scared but hopeful girl that has so many plans to better her life. I would want them to be part of bettering my life, rather than the reason I am bettering myself. 

So I guess the truth is while I say I am too stubborn and bullheaded to believe in looking for my one true love, I am also stubborn about him (if ever he be). Deep down maybe the truth is I am the biggest romantic and the most un-realistic girl of all. Yes, I do want to be in a committed relationship. I want to be in love. But I truly want happily ever after. If I never find someone who can be happy with me, the way I am on good days and bad, then I still want to be able have it. I would rather never ever have the pretty wedding and the grown up couple house and all of that, but know in my heart that I am me. I never settled. I never gave in. That can be lonely, but for me THAT is what happiness actually looks like.