Fibro...For Me

So I posted some FACTS about Fibromyalgia the other day. People don't get this disease, and it is easy to see why. It is hard to understand. One of the hardest things about having it, to be honest, is the way no one gets it. So I try to explain it without knocking people over the head too hard with it. But today I decided to go with not facts...but personal feelings. How does it effect ME and my life...so here goes.

I read a quote that was about Fibromyalgia that said "Yes I look fine, No I am not." My first reaction was to say "I wish I looked fine...." because it immediately brought to mind my physical appearance. That is not what the quote was about, of course, but it illustrates what is obviously a big thing to me. I look like crap. I have never been a beauty queen. I try not to care to much what other people think of me, and I hate people who judge others by their physical appearance. All of that said, I hate how I look.

I am 50 pounds overweight. Not just over what I would like to be, over what medically speaking I NEED to be. Most of the time I have some kind of rash/sensitivity going on with my face that makes my pale skin look horrible. I often have to wear baggy clothing and no jewelry b/c the tightness of clothes and/or accessories hurts me. These are all things that are directly related to my fibromyalgia. I have friends and family who will quickly comment and tell me I am beautiful, and I am grateful to them. I am so blessed to know that there are people in my life who love me. End of sentence, no matter what I look like. That is an amazing feeling. I wish it were enough, but the truth for me personally is undoubtedly that I have much lower self esteem b/c I do not look the way I want to look. And to a large degree, there is not much I can do about it.

I always want to tell people, I am trying. I diet whenever I have the emotional strength. I love to shop and have cute clothes and jewelry. I just...can only do what I can do. Sometimes I want to tape a sign to my back that says that. It is not that I am lazy. It is not that I don't care...I just can only do what I can do.

The other big issue of Fibromyalgia, for me, goes back to that same quote above as well. What the person actually meant was people cannot look at her and tell that she is sick. That can be really frustrating. Not just for me, but for others in my life. Sometimes I have to cancel on plans that are important or that have been made for a long time. I say I cannot come but I don't seem sick...I look fine, but I am not. It is so hard to make people understand that. Also the pain and symptoms of Fibro come and go. I might be out at a show or bowling or whatever on Monday night, but if you ask me to do the same thing on Tuesday...it is very possible it might be completely impossible for me. To those who saw me out having a good time on Monday that seems like BS...but it isn't. It is just the reality of fibromyalgia. It changes every day. Sometimes hour to hour. I never know when I will feel how. Sometimes I think it is just easier to never make plans, never agree to anything so I never have to cancel or be disappointed. But that gets lonely...which makes the depression worse, which often makes my physical symptoms even more hard to take. It is a cycle...it never really ends.

I guess the last thing I would say though is, I am okay. I am still a person. I still live my life and enjoy the good things that are in it. I still have friends, I still NEED friends, I still like to have a good time. That is maybe the most frustrating thing about this illness is that people either ignore it as if it isn't real, or they treat me like I am an invalid that cannot handle anything. Neither is true. I am just a person. I have things that I struggle with, just like you do. My things may be different, and they may be hard to understand, but they are just...my things. Life goes on. Thank goodness!

Thanks for reading! I have grown a lot since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. The more I know about what is going on with me the more I can deal with it. That is why I want the people in my life to know about it as well, so they can deal with me too!