So my life has changed in pretty much every way possible in the past 20 days.
June 30th was my last official day of working at Trevecca Nazarene University. Trevecca was never where I planned to work, or even where I thought I wanted to work, but it became one of the most fulfilling and rewarding parts of my life. I was there for almost 17 years! It has been the place I have gotten up and gone to every day for almost half of my life. Now I have no job. None. I am unemployed! How strange is that?! I mean I still sell Premier but I have no shows scheduled (working on that!) and so it is hard to count that right now. I am, for the first time ever, without a job.
A few months ago my brother was in a wreck that totaled my car. Just last week the settlement was FINALLY made. That is over too. No more car either. My parents own 2 vehicles so I paid to have the a/c fixed in the 2nd one and I am driving theirs when I need one. I don't have a job though so I don't really go anywhere that often so...no job, no car.
This month has been a ROLLER COASTER of emotions and frustrations concerning my house. I was reminded over and over, and over and over, and over and over again that no matter how much I plan and scheme and try to control things...I am not in control. We thought it was all worked out, it wasn't. We thought it was all but done, things started breaking. We thought that was taken care of, more stuff started breaking. It has been insane. It has been stressful for me and I cannot even imagine how tough it has been on Sylvia. She is amazing. The closing date is not quite here yet and I have learned that if something else can happen...it is probably going to. BUT having said that - things are once again looking good and I am feeling more confident that it is going to work out. I am still working on getting all my stuff from an entire house and a 17 year office to fit into one bedroom (plus some spill out) at my parents house but it is happening. Bottom line, I have no house.
And then yesterday I went and did something kind of crazy. I cut all my hair off. It was not an impulse move, but not something I have been really thinking about doing either. I started to consider it about a week ago I guess. I have been wanting to get my hair cut and struggling to find time to go to my favorite (Christy O obviously) b/c Nashville is so far now and I don't like to leave Mom so long etc. and so my big sister made me an appointment with her stylist. Brooke is also her neighbor and friend and someone I have met and whose style I trust. My goal at first was just more layers and a little shorter. When I really thought about it though, I knew that didn't really make sense. The truth is that every day this month of living out here and not working - just spending time helping mom, I wake up in the morning and put on a headband to get my hair out of my face and then twist the back up to get it off my neck. I don't straighten it. I don't style it. I don't care about that. This has become my signature look.
The thing is I love my hair. I have never been very confident in my looks, but I know I have beautiful hair. I know because strangers on the street tell me. I know if I attract attention from a guy it is because of my hair. I know women pay money to try to get my color. And I love my color. It makes me unique and special and I love all things ginger. It is a bit of an obsession. And I know it looks better long. It makes me look thinner and more feminine. I chopped it all off once before and I HATED it. I hated how it looked and how I felt and I spent a very long time growing it back out. Just last month I got a new license and I remember thinking I was so glad to finally have one with a picture of me with long hair! Ha.
I don't want to be about that right now though. I didn't keep my job because I was worried about my future. I didn't go buy another car because I wanted to drive the nicest thing around. I didn't choose to rent so I could always fall back on my old house. So likewise, I didn't want to get a haircut b/c it would look good when I go out. Now I am not saying I cut my hair for my Mom. I didn't. I cut it b/c I am hot...all the time. My parents keep the house hot and I like it cold. This means I am sweating and uncomfortable almost constantly. I cut it b/c I don't want to have to mess with it. I cut it b/c it is easier to deal with. But I also cut it because I didn't like how hard it was for me to make that practical decision. It shouldn't be easier for me to give up my job than my hair! Vanity is such a strong emotion. I don't want to live my life for the sake of my vanity.
Now...Please hear me say, I think Brooke did a great job on my hair. It is cute.
Here is the 'day of' picture when she fixed it for me.
It is weird b/c it is so different, but I still think it is cute.
Here is today...when I washed it and then had no idea what to do with it so it looks not quite so cute but still, not horrible.
I don't hate it like I did last time. It is so much easier. It feels so much better. In truth, it does not make me feel beautiful. I have decided not to let that be as important to me. Don't misunderstand me. I am not saying I don't want to look good. I was very specific in asking Brooke to not making me look bad. Poor thing, I made her look at pictures of my last short hair and promise it would not look like that. There is nothing wrong with beauty. And I definitely did not share a picture of how I looked this morning before makeup or styling my hair. (nobody needs to share that kind of "natural beauty" whooo....lol). But today straightening my hair took 2-3 minuets. It used to take 20-30. I needed a more simple beauty.
I want to live a good life. I want to spend as much time with Mom as she has to spend with me left in her life. I want to spend as little money as possible so I don't have to waste much of that time earning said money. I want to live in this house with them where they have with plenty of room for me rather than feeling I need to have my own place filled with so many of my own 'things' that, as I am downsizing and re-evaluating, I am realizing are just not as important as they once seemed. I want to be comfortable in my own body. A body that I need to make more healthy than this one but that is probably never going to be skinny again. A body that I don't shave that often b/c seriously....who wants to do that? lol.....A body that does look more feminine and beautiful with long hair but that right now is more practical and useful to me with a short and simple cut. A body that still loves to dress up and look cute and that still is obsessed with jewelry and accessories, but that knows it doesn't need to look that way all the time.
I guess what I am saying is that when your whole life is turned upside you start looking at things from a different angle. You have to. I am trying, desperately to do that. I keep thinking of this song from Chapel services at Trevecca that says "you make beautiful things out of dust". I am not sure I believe yet, or maybe anymore, that this life I am living right now is a beautiful thing. All I see most days is dust. My Mom is sick. She is dying. But there is beauty, I know it. I am giving everything - literally- to find that new kind of beauty. To find how to believe in it and to live with it. The song goes on to say, "you make beautiful things out of us - you are making me new"
So I am a little different than I was a month ago, or maybe even a lot. But not really..I am just getting rid of some unnecessary excess. It is okay if you don't recognize me for awhile.
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