Why Are You So Sad

I have had that that lyric stuck in my head all day. I am sad, or maybe just depressed and truthfully it doesn't make much sense. It happens every time though, every single time.

I went to another new doctor yesterday. To be tested for yet another scary disease that my symptoms, at least sort of, indicate I might have. So every time this happens (oh yes, it is a fairly normal occurrence. At least once every few years) I take the day off. My appointment was at 11am so I could have easily worked the rest of the day, but I knew better.

I mean, first of all I could have found out I have MS. That would have been pretty traumatic and I would not have wanted to go back to work.

More likely, though, and what did happen, is I heard what I always hear which is 'nope, not this either'. And the truth is, I always get a little bit depressed about it.

You are depressed you DON'T have MS? 

Yeah. Kinda.

The truth is, it gets old being told no all the time. It is frustrating thinking that maybe your doctors have figured out what is wrong with you and then having a specialist tell you that no, it is not this disease either.

When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia I felt so much relief, because I finally had an answer, I finally had a yes - THIS is what I do have. This is what explains how I am feeling and why my life is the way it is. But the truth is...it doesn't seem like enough. No one takes it seriously enough, not even me. I mean I read things that other patients write and I realize they are suffering just as much as me so I think I probably should be satisfied with that diagnosis. I am not though. I know no one else is.

I want people to understand. I want people to say, "OH, now I understand why she stood us up all those times." "Now I get why she is worried about keeping a job" "Now I see why she can't just eat better or take vitamins and exercise more". "Now I GET it".

If you have something like MS...something that people have heard of...something that everyone knows is bad and hard and REAL...then they get it. But when you have something like fibromyalgia, it just isn't the same. They try to get it. They try to be supportive. And some of them are, please don't get me wrong. I have some amazingly supportive people in my life. But it isn't the same.

Sometime I just wish a doctor would look at me and say, now I get it...you have _insert whatever it is here_ and you were right, something is REALLY wrong. You are not over-reacting. You are not just stressed out. You are not just over weight. You are not imagining it. I am not giving up because the most obvious thing isn't it. We get it now.

But so far, that hasn't happened. I have one more "it isn't this" to check off my list. And that is a GOOD thing. I am actually very glad I don't have MS. It is a blessing. And yet I spent yesterday (and honestly still today) feeling kind of let down. Maybe one day either the disease I do have will be considered  truly as bad as it is, or I will figure out whatever else it is I have that is this bad. Until then I will try not be....so sad.