Simplicity

Last year my friend Karissa turned me on to the idea of having 'one word' for the year. Instead of making resolutions you choose one word at the beginning of the year and try to make that your focus for the entire year. Last year I chose the word Honesty and it has been an interesting journey to learn about that word, and myself. I will blog about my overall experiences with that word at a later time. This year I am choosing the word

I have been thinking about it a lot (which might be the opposite of the meaning, I know) and I mean some very particular things by it. I do NOT mean I will think about things simply. That is not me. I do NOT mean I will eat 'clean' or whatever the trendy word for that is. This isn't about being trendy. That is not me either. This is what I mean...

I need to get rid of some of the clutter from my life. I want to focus on the things that are good, that are important, that are meaningful. I see this as both an outer and an inner quest for this year.I have already begun, particularly on the outer part.

I will be blogging later about the literal move my life is making right now, but it gave me the opportunity to begin this simplicity process. I got rid of excessive amounts of STUFF. I gave probably 6 full bags of things to Goodwill. I took at least 4 full boxes of books (gasp...I know, it hurt, I promise), over 300 Cd's and numerous DVDs to McKays. I through out more bags of trash than I could count. I gave things to friends and family members. I got my belongs down to those things that I actually wear, use and love. The rest was just...clutter.

I have decided not to have TV at the house I will be living at during the beginning of this year. I am NOT saying I am giving it up. I love my TV. I will probably have Internet and netflix, but I want to cut that time down significantly. I want to write more. I want to paint more. I want to read more. This begins to bleed into the inner quest for simplicity.

I want to de-clutter my inner self as well. One of the things I admitted to myself this past year of honesty with myself was that I hold on to things much to long and much to tightly. There are things that were said to me 10-15-even more years ago that come back to my mind and hurt me. They are things that should be long forgotten and yet they pop up and have power over me still. I want to focus on replacing those things with positive images and ideas. I want to let them go. I also have an even bigger desire to let go of my obsessive need to explain myself to everyone.

I assume it is because I am a perfectionist, and very competitive but I have always wanted to be the best at whatever I do. I want to get perfect grades and do very well at my job and be the best whatever it is I am all the time. So I have this idea in my head that all these people from my past look at me now and don't understand why I am not. I think my professors look at me and think 'what a waste' or 'lost another one'. I think my old classmates, most of whom weren't even very fond of me back then probably think 'ha, I knew she wouldn't make it. She was never gonna be a minister.' I think my friends who are ministers are like praying for me to see the light and come back to the fold. I think my friends from my music scene days are like 'holy cow she got fat. What the heck happened to her.' I think all these terrible things. Honestly I have no basis for these thoughts. I just assume no one understands my life. It hasn't followed a normal trajectory. I didn't do what I went to college for. I didn't get married or have kids. And although I think I made the right decisions for myself and my life, for some reason I have this NEED to explain it to everyone else all the time. I want to get over that. The people in my life who matter, who have proven that they don't care about any of that - that they love me no matter what. I want to focus on those people. The rest is just clutter in my head.

I am ready to get rid of unnecessary clutter. I am ready to see the beauty of simplicity - both in the outside world and inside my mind and my world.I think this one might be harder for me than honesty. I am ready to try.