All About Me

So I have a confession to make. My year of honesty is nearing an end and I feel like I haven't been very honest about how selfish I have been feeling. I hate selfishness. It is something that just really irritates me. People who consistently think only of themselves and not of others annoy the crap out of me. Actions have consequences and everything about us is about other people. And yet....

Lately I have been all about me.

Well..I hope I HAVEN'T been. I have been trying hard not to be. But truthfully, inside my head, I completely have been. There has just been so much going on with ME and with MY family and with MY health and with MY family and MY job, that it has become hard to focus on anyone or anything else. And I admit it, it is hard a lot of times for me not to feel sorry for myself.  Or maybe it is not even that but just, mad about it all.

Now don't get me wrong. I am a blessed person. I have blessings that I know are kind of unheard of in this day - I have parents who are still together, still in love, and who I consider to be some of my closest friends! What??! It is true. I have friends who I can count on and who have been there for me no matter what has been going on in, in my life or in their lives. I have a job I love doing. I have a home and more clothes than I need and so much food to eat that I am overweight. My blessings overflow and I never stop giving thanks for them.

But I am just not a lucky person. I don't have an 'easy' life. Crappy things happen to me. A lot. And the truth is, it sucks. And the truth is, I have a hard time not being bitter about it. I know a lot of people have it even worse. I know it is petty. I know it is ridiculous. It is still the truth. And I still feel that way.

The worst part of it is that I find myself having even LESS sympathy for selfish people. I suppose I am too busy being selfish myself to be able to empathize with them. I seriously am struggling with hearing other people complain lately. Oh your husband didn't take out the trash? Who cares...no one ever takes out my trash! Oh your kids didn't do what you wanted them to? Who cares...I can't ever have kids and you should treasure every second with them. Your Mom doesn't help out with your kids enough? Oh poor thing....my mom just had her 5th cancer surgery this summer. You have the flu? I don't care...I feel like I have the flu every single day of my life AND then I have bad days too.

See what I mean? I am not a nice person these days. And the thing is, I don't even really feel that way - those are just my knee jerk reactions to things. I very much care what my friends are going through. I totally want to know and to listen and to try to help - that is who I am. And yet sometimes I just get so tired....not of others, but of my own life, that I start to feel mean and nasty inside.

It is not usually in person so don't feel like next time you talk to me I am secretly hexing you in my head. I think it is mostly a social media thing. One of those 'face book is doing this to us' stories. Maybe that it is. Maybe because we are so much more "connected" to one another now, I know about so many other people's struggles and feel a sense of competition almost with them. I am not sure. I don't like it though. I don' want to be a selfish person. I don't think I am a selfish person generally, but sometimes, if I am honest, it is just all about me.