Musings on Love

So it is Valentine's Day. I am single so I have to write a blog about how sad my life is, and/or how happy I am to be single. The thing is, neither is true. Love is such a tricky thing. Some seem to find it so easily and others seem to struggle so much. This Valentines Day I am trying to be honest about love in my life (remember...my word for the year!). It is not what I ever expected it to be.

I think back, today, on all the men who have been a part of my life 'romantically' in any way. I guess in many cases all the boys who are now (hopefully) men. The ones that didn't last, the ones that didn't ever really happen, the ones I regret and the ones I miss. Okay now it sounds like there have been a lot...that is a bit misleading. The thing is part of me wishes I could look at all of those men who in one way or another passed on me and I want to say...ha, your loss. But that is not true. I don't say this in a self-pitying way or looking for affirmation, but rather in an honest way. What I really think about those men is, man you sure dodged a bullet with me! My life is so complicated. The last real relationship I was in I ended and the guy, because he was hurt, lashed out at me after the fact saying that I was too focused on other things - on my family, on my health, on my friends. The thing is, he was right. So many people will say things like, when you find the RIGHT guy they will focus on those things with you. Maybe so...but I feel like I have it in the wrong order. I think if I fell in love with someone and they with me then yes they should care about my crazy life just as much as I do, but to START with the crazy life and health...yeah, why would anyone do that? Ha ha.

This past year I got caught up in the idea of guys and 'love' for the first time in a long time. My friends were surprised I think, the truth is they don't even think of me as single or looking. I am just Karla. But last year I reconnected with someone I had always had a thing for after many years. Ultimately back then, nothing happened with us, he met someone else and I accepted it and moved on, but he was always this 'what if' in the back of my mind. I really liked him. We talked some last year, he was out of a long relationship and single again, I had just had surgery. Neither of us was in a great place. But I thought, truly, I would finally get to find out 'what if'. I thought I would get that phone call and first date that never happened all those years ago. I didn't. Apparently he wasn't really anymore interested this time around. I am not upset at this person, but it did make me sad. It would be nice to have someone to go through things with. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to enjoy life with. Made me contemplate dating again and getting back out there.

I didn't. Not with him, obviously, but also not at all. The truth is, as nice a thought as it was, that is not part of my life. As my ex not-so-nicely put it, I don't have room for that. My life is complicated and very full. And that IS sad. Days like today make it really sad sometimes.But the thing is, by the time I get home tonight I won't have the energy or time to be someone's valentine. I will be much happier curling up with my kittens and a book. And the other thing is, my full life IS full of love. It is full of more true friends than a shy, introverted nerd like me ever expected to have. It is full of family that I never knew could be my best friends. It is full of college kids that give my life so much laughter and love and meaning.

I love so much...today and every day. Just me, single Karla that will probably never end up in a "normal" relationship, but I treasure all the love in my life. To all those men I ever did, or even considered loving: I hope you have found love with someone else. I hope your life is happy and full. Sometimes I miss the thought of you, but always I am grateful for love. Love in all its many forms and colors and beauty.

Happy Valentines Day. It is okay to be a little sad about love that you don't have, I am. Don't forget, though, to always celebrate the love that you do!

Happily Never After

Recently a friend asked me if I wanted to be in a committed relationship. That conversation had a totally different context than this post, but it has had me thinking a lot about what it is that i want from life. At age 36 am I still looking for a happily ever after? Well...obviously the easy answer is yes. The question is, what does that look like to me?

I have had several people in my life tell me that I close myself off to relationships. They claim that I do not come across to men as interested, that I only have interest in unavailable men, etc. etc. I don't really know what to say to THAT. I have never intentionally behaved that way, but I am smart enough to know that doesn't mean it hasn't happened. What I do know is that I have long since made peace with the idea of being single. Not that I am opposed to being with someone, but more that I am also not opposed to being without. 

So many girls (and a lot of guys too for that matter) seem so convinced that the only way to truly be happy is to find that "one" person. It is all they really care about until they do, and in my opinion they often settle for less than what they really want because they are afraid to not have anyone. I am not that person. I don't buy it. I don't even want to buy it. Which is not to say I don't want it. I watch romantic comedies...I read books...I love a good princess story. The world tells us we are not whole till we find that love. Sometimes I feel just lonely enough to think maybe it is true. Sometimes I think maybe I should call up that guy. You know, the one that really likes me and is so sweet. I don't really have any feelings for him but MAYBE...maybe I am just being "closed off" like my friends say. Maybe if I give it more time I will fall for him. Maybe that is better than being alone.

Then I slap myself silly and say UMMM NO. I am too stubborn. I am to set in my ways. I am too picky. I refuse to settle. So....does that mean I will just stay single? Probably. LOL. That is what I have realized. That is what I have agreed to with myself. The truth is I am stubborn, and set in my ways, and hard to please, and flawed in a million different ways. If I met a male version of myself...well I wouldn't want to date him! So I don't really expect anyone to decide that they want to either. And the thing is, that is the only thing I will accept. I will not change who I am to "get" someone else. I refuse to act more girly or less smart, or less nerdy, or more trendy or whatever. I am me, and that has to be enough. If it is not enough for anyone to love, then it has to be enough for me to live alone with.

So what do I want? Truth be told I want somebody to fall crazy in love with me. I also want to fall crazy in love with that same person (timing has always been an issue for me so I should also state at the same time!). The thing that would make it a fairy tale for me is for that to happen to the me I am now. Not necessarily now as in at this time, but the me that I am now. There are a lot of things I want to change about myself. 

I want to be more patient. I want to be more tolerant. I want to spend more time writing and more time singing. I want to lose a lot of weight. I want to become a better cook. I want watch the news more often and be more politically aware. I want to help the world. I want to go easier on myself. I want to push myself harder. I want to be more confident. I want to attend church more regularly. I want to get my teeth whitened. I want to do yoga. I want to travel more. I want to get and ride a bicycle. I want to understand God. I want to learn about the ways others understand God. I want to learn to keep my house cleaner. I want to have a nice yard. I want to....well as you can see there are many things I want to do. But I want to do those things for ME. 

I would love for someone to be in love with THIS girl, though. Not the one I might be someday. I hope someday I will be at least more like her than I am now, but the truth is if I were to ever think about true love I want to know that they love this me. The flawed, less beautiful, scared but hopeful girl that has so many plans to better her life. I would want them to be part of bettering my life, rather than the reason I am bettering myself. 

So I guess the truth is while I say I am too stubborn and bullheaded to believe in looking for my one true love, I am also stubborn about him (if ever he be). Deep down maybe the truth is I am the biggest romantic and the most un-realistic girl of all. Yes, I do want to be in a committed relationship. I want to be in love. But I truly want happily ever after. If I never find someone who can be happy with me, the way I am on good days and bad, then I still want to be able have it. I would rather never ever have the pretty wedding and the grown up couple house and all of that, but know in my heart that I am me. I never settled. I never gave in. That can be lonely, but for me THAT is what happiness actually looks like.