I've always had bad vision

So I turned 42 this weekend. I laughed with some friends that I am apparently old enough now not to care how old I am. I literally forgot my own age. Since I recently met several new people I had been saying to them I was 42. I mean I was almost there so it just made more sense. But then when my birthday came up I started saying I was turning 43! Ha. Lying about your age is apparently never smart. LOL.

This year just didn't seem very important to me, though. In terms of celebrating I mean. Some years I am all about my birthday and love making lots of plans. This year I didn't put much effort into it and it just kind of came and went. I went out with some friends and that was fun but I didn't get a chance to really see my family and I really wasn't feeling good most of the weekend. Anyway. I did get together with my girlfriends, which is one thing I really always want to do. We had been planning to get together and make vision boards. That wasn't really related to my birthday but...kind of an appropriate thing to do on a Birthday weekend I suppose.

So the title of this blog is a reference to my literal eyesight and the fact that I have very poor vision, but it is also basically true. I really struggled with the whole vision board thing. The other girls set right in and worked fast and had concrete ideas and I just leafed through magazines and tried to think...what is my vision?

The truth is right now I don't have much in terms of vision. I try to make it day by day. Some days that is harder than others. Some days I think good things are happening. Some days I think I won't make it to tomorrow. Such is life I guess. Mid-life crisis is apparently a real thing folks. It is hitting many of my friends hard and furious these days. So anyway I looked at what the other girls were doing and I loved their boards,  I could see so much of each friend's personality coming through in what they were doing. But none of them were me.

So I started cutting things out...mostly words. That is me. Words are important to me. They always have been. I found a few pictures that spoke to me but it was mostly words. Here are some of the ones that I found that are what my vision are. Not necessarily for my "future" but more just for life in general. For who I am trying to be. So I guess that is the future but not in the sense of things I want or even goals to achieve, but more ways I want to live. Here is my board:

Imagine Happiness: this was the first thing that went on my board. I do not care for people who say that we need to 'choose' to be happy, I think it is so much more complicated than that - but I do think we can MAKE choices because we can imagine that being happy is possible. I seek that.

above that says Get CAST - Drama, and an actress with 'Break a Leg' : If you have been reading my blog you know how much being in a play recently has meant to me. Acting has always been important to me. Being cast in my first play in High School began the process of fundamentally changing me as a person (you can read about that here if you are interested). For several years after that I participated in and/or at least attended as much theater as possible. But I have let that slowly fade from my life over the years. I don't know why. I don't mean to imply that all the sudden I am going to be in tons of plays or start a new kind of life. I just know I want that to be part of who I am again in some way. It is good for me, it is good for my soul. I have missed it. 

Notice Goodness: Another thing about me is that I am super empathetic. I don't know what you think about personality types but my old workplace was super into them so I have taken TONS of tests and over the years I became intrigued by them myself. Especially Myers Briggs. The truth is INFJ does a better job of describing me than I have been able to do myself! Haha. One of the things it explained to me that I never had words for is that I take the stress of other people onto myself. When my friends/family are hurting or in trouble...I am hurting. I feel like I need to do something. Their stress becomes my stress. I am not complaining about that. Being aware of the needs of others, and helping as much as possible is something I like about myself. BUT it can be draining. Especially when it is not just friends and family. When it feels like it is the whole world. The world is a mess these days. When you take that on yourself, well it can be overwhelming. So one of the things I KNOW I need to seek more and more is to notice GOODNESS in this world as well as things that need fixing.

Think Love: So this one has a double meaning. I have the worst dating record. Ever. Seriously. Many have told me I must not really want to settle down b/c I am only ever really attracted to unavailable men. I see what they are saying - it does seem to be a pattern, I mean married men, men who are about to move, men too old, men who literally "meet their soul mate" the next weekend, basically musicians...lol, men not over their ex's, men who can't get over themselves, no really the list goes on. BUT in my defense I don't usually know these things when I am attracted to them. But my track record is super bad. And the guys who ARE good guys I tend to NOT be attracted to. OR I become friends with them before I decide I am attracted to them and then they decide we are only friends. I have had very few relationships that have lasted more than a few months and I am super picky. So, one thing I have been trying to do is...think more about love. Do I want to find love? Am I willing to compromise with someone in order to not be alone? What are the things I am willing to compromise? Etc. Etc. I am really not sure but I am thinking that way. Even MORE than that, though, I want to ALWAYS think love first. In everything I do. I want to think love before I make choices. I want to think love before I respond in anger. I want to think love before everything.

Well this post is super long and I am not feeling well...which is funny because 'Be Healthier' is next. Ha. But I am going to stop here. Part 2 to come...

Wake Me Up...It is Almost September

Tomorrow is the first day of a new month. I am honestly not sure if I should say thank God the bleakest month of my life is finally almost over, or if I am scared to death to face the idea that starting tomorrow my Mom and I will never be alive together in the same month again. Every day hits me that way a bit. I am thankful I have made it through one more day, and yet sad to realize that another day has passed without her.

Everyone keeps asking how we are doing. I wish I had a better answer to give you. We are living. Each long day we make it through another. This week Dad and I dealt with all of the legal issues of my Mom's death. It is no simple matter, death. We had to call banks and numerous insurance agencies, social security and the phone company. We did thank you cards and returned dishes. We threw out the remains of the last of the flowers. We found Mom's will and filled out paperwork. There is only one major thing left to do, and that is to inform the military about her death. For some reason that has been the hardest one. We keep putting it off. Today we were ready to do it but my Dad was legitimately sick. He might have been sick at the idea of taking care of this last task, there is no way to really know that but...we did put it off one more time. He says he plans to do it early tomorrow morning (he always wakes up much earlier than me). If it is not done when I wake up then I will make sure it is done when I do. That will be it. Her death will be...finished. Now I feel a bit sick.

We do not know what will come next. I have filled out an application for an online job, but have not heard back from them yet - it is okay with me. I haven't felt like using my mind much lately anyway. We have talked about a trip West to see some family that wasn't able to attend the memorial and perhaps to spread Mom's ashes at her favorite cannon but...we haven't made any actual plans or even checked to see if that is a legal thing to do. But we are doing okay. We are doing more and more every day. Today I finally cleaned up my room. Earlier this week we took Daisy to renew her shots and Dad went to dispute a charge his dentist incorrectly sent him.

Little by little, day by day, life does go on. Sometimes I don't want it to. I don't want my Mom to have died last month, as if it is somehow less important now. But time moves on. In Nashville this week my kids at Trevecca started classes again. My niece in McMinville is turning 7 months old this month and my nephew Michael just started his Sr year of High School! There are still good things happening around us. Last weekend I went to a wedding of a sweet friend and saw many dear friends. I am waking up to life...or trying to.

Tomorrow is a new day, and a new month. Keep praying for us friends. But know that we are okay.

How Beautiful...

So most of my thoughts are thought in song and the past few days the one stuck in my head is a very old "christian contemporary" song by Twila Paris called How Beautiful. The first verse says

How Beautiful

The Hands that serve

The wine and the Bread

And the Sons of the Earth

How Beautiful

Is the Body of Christ

The song talks first about the literal human body of Christ and then goes on to make the parallels to the Church and how we ARE the body of Christ. Since I wrote a blog on Tuesday about my needing a ramp for my Mom the body of Christ has literally reached out it's hands to us and it has been a thing of beauty.

I never imagined the outpouring of love we have received. From those who are participating in the jewelry party, to our church here in Manchester giving an amazing offering (on a Wednesday night no less!), to people who have just simply sent in money! I have been blown away. People who are in our lives now, but also people we haven't seen in years - you have all just surrounded us with love and support and I am in awe. When the church representative called me she had the fore-site to say that if we raised more than enough money we were free to use it for other things we might need for Mom. I kind of chuckled to myself. I didn't say anything but I thought, no way would that happen...obviously I did not have enough faith! No only is the ramp finished and paid for but we have been able to buy some other things for Mom to help make the house easier and safer for her to manage as well. She has a mobile table we can move to wherever she is when it is time to eat now. She has a new device that will make getting up out of bed much easier, and we have some other projects in mind to work on next. Yesterday my sister purchased those things while my Dad and Brother spent a long time on just rearranging furniture and trying to make things as simple as possible.

Today is my Mother's birthday. (we were able to celebrate with my brother last night). She was very touched to have such a gift from so many of you!! Thank you all for being such a blessing to her. Really to all of us! Every time I walk outside or even see the ramp from the window I am filled with such a feeling of love. I am able to see the beauty I have been searching for. How beautiful are YOU, the body of Christ! I thank God for each of you!

Who is my neighbor?

So the past several months have been very hard on many of us - they have forced us to really examine what we believe and worse than that, they have opened our eyes to what those around us believe. Yep...this is another one of those posts. Vaguely political but actually mostly it is for my fellow Christian friends and family. It is not intended as a judgment but it is what I have been thinking about and I feel like I need to share.

Fair warning, it might make some of you angry. Many of you will not agree...and though for the life of me I cannot figure out why or how...that is okay. A lot of people these days are saying things like 'let's just stop talking about it and all get along again'. Ha. As if you could. I know I cannot anyway. I have been forced to realize that some people I have always thought to be very like minded are actually very...different than me. But that is actually in a way what this post is about. Because the thing is that even if this makes you angry and/or you disagree with me, I will still love you. You will have to decide if you still love me or not, but I am saying now - before it even begins. I will still love you. I just need to share what has been weighing on my heart.

So one thing that I think everyone generally agrees on is that Christianity is based on Christ (you can sort of see it even in the name...). So one of the things I generally always thought was true, even before I went to school to study the Bible (and oh  yeah I slipped that in there so you know I am not just spouting hot air. I have actually studied this stuff...I have TWO degrees in theology just as an aside if that makes any difference) but even before that I always held to the idea that we believe that Jesus changed things. So the easy way to say that is that the OT is no longer really valid b/c he made things new.

Now the academic in me insists I write a short paragraph explaining that it IS much more complicated than that. There is MUCH to be learned from the Old Testament. I love the Old Testament. In fact I preferred classes on the OT in school so please do not take my comment above too literally. I am merely saying that we do not follow the prescriptions of the OT and do things such as sacrifice animals (or people) to have relationship with God. The story of the entire Bible tells us that God saw humanity was growing away from Him and so he became part of them (Jesus) to show them how to have relationship with Him.

Okay that was a very quick/messy theology lesson right? Not my point but I am saying that I THINK everyone pretty much agrees to this narrative. I don't mean by that if you take it apart word by word I said it right, I mean it is the basic story of God/Jesus that we as Christians accept.

So the reason I started there is to say that I HATE when people use particular parts of the Bible to support whatever argument they are making. While I do wholeheartedly believe the Bible is our story of our relationship with God, I do not believe we can or should simply take verses and use them to our advantage. For example it says in one place women can not talk in the church, however we think that is antiquated so we just ignore that one; but in other places it says homosexuality is a sin and since many Christians are uncomfortable with that one, we cling to it. For me...that is not what the Bible is for. It cannot, and should not, be read in that manner. One of the reasons I can say that is....because as I stated above - Jesus changed everything.

So though I am going to now use some Bible verses to back myself up, they are all words of Jesus. The foundation of the church. Granted they are words that were recorded by men so they might be incorrect but generally speaking they are accepted to be the ACTUAL words of God.

Jesus was asked what is THE MOST IMPORTANT commandment. He answered:
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind

AND THEN HE CONTINUED....
The second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself

So...the two most important things about being a Christian are loving God with your ENTIRE self and then loving your neighbor the same way that you love your...self. Wow.

Okay well just to be SUPER clear Jesus then also told us who our neighbor is. We all know the story - yep it's the good Samaritan.
So the story is a man was left on the side of the road, robbed and beaten - half dead. The people who should have stopped, didn't. The people who everything thought would take care of him, didn't. But the man who was TOTALLY different from him - he stopped. He took care of him. He spent his own money on him, he took him with him, he spent MORE money to be sure he would be cared for in the future, and he came back to check on him. Now the incredible parts of this story don't come through unless you do some study but I am sure we have all heard the sermons and know the history. Samaritans and Jews did not deal with one another. They did not trust one another, they definitely did not help one another. In fact the reason they hated one another was because of their religions. Jewish people considered Samaritans pagans, they were everything that they were taught not to be. They were completely OTHER than them.
Yet Jesus says, THAT man was his neighbor.

I am baffled....when faced with this story - that we love to tell in Sunday School and in church - how we can be at such a place of discord within the Christian church right now. JESUS Himself says that THE MOST important thing we can do is to love God AND to love our neighbor, who is particularly the other.

Do you know who your "others" are? Or as Jesus would call them...your neighbors?

They are people of a different skin color
They are people of a different economic class
They are people of a different sexual preference
They are people from a different country
They are people who believe a different religion
They are people who disagree with you politically
(they might be me after you read this...remember I still love you!)

Your neighbor is not fellow American white Christians. Of course you love them. Your neighbor is not the people that make you feel safe in your homes. Of course it is easy to accept them. Jesus didn't say anything about the Samaritan feeling safe. That Jew could have woken up and spit on him. That is basically how Jews treated Samaritans, but he didn't care...he helped him anyway.

How can we say we are loving God with our whole heart, soul and mind if we are not even following his second command?

How can we even pretend to say we are loving our neighbor if we are not fighting for refugees who are fleeing from homes where they are in danger of being killed every moment?

How can we claim to love our transgender neighbor if we do not even support their right to go to the bathroom in a safe and comfortable way? (and before you start talking about your rights please see my comments above about the rights/safety of the Samaritan. Jesus does not mention them even once).

It makes my heart heavy to think that Jesus Christ came to earth to make it AS CLEAR AS POSSIBLE to us how to treat one another. He gave us explicit instructions and still we are not doing everything in our power to love our neighbors.

If I am not loving EVERY single neighbor that comes into knowledge of reality in the way that Christ told me to then I cannot think that I am loving Him with my whole heart, soul and mind.

Just food for thought.

What Do I Love

So there is a post floating around Facebook world that I participated in where you post - if you know me you know that I love_________ and you let people list what they think you love. It was a lot of fun. A friend of mine turned hers into a blog post and I sort of loved that so I am stealing her idea and doing the same!

Many of the things I loved were mentioned multiple times...such as

BOOKS! I love that everyone knows I am the crazy Book lady. Of course I am a librarian so that helps but even beyond that - I am constantly reading and loving on books and bookish things and I love that part of me is obvious!

Some specified YA lit, definitely my favorite, and even my particular favorite book was mentioned! Overall, though, the most poplar answer was just...Books!

Probably the next big one that came out was my FAMILY, which makes me feel good! As much as I do adore my books and other things, what is most important is the people in my life that I share it all with! I am so lucky to have an amazing family that I am super close to and that take care of me! No one is more blessed! And the Nephew got his own responses several times because everyone knows Aunt Karla loves Michael more than ....well anything!

So after books and family...naturally comes TV. And specifically...oh yeah, The Doctor! Yeah I am sincerely obsessed. I love television, particularly I love Science Fiction shows (X-files and LOST were also both mentioned and Buffy got two shout outs! Yes!) but there is something about the Doctor. It is so very ME. I agree with his philosophy, I adore his silliness, I understand his loneliness, I thirst for his knowledge. I. Just. Love. Him. Everyone got it right. Nerd alert, yes, I know.

So what else got multiple answers? This is so fun......

 U2        Red Hair    Photography  Babies/Kids

So all these things...very true!! As are the ones that only got one answer, including - Kittens, cozy sweaters, writing, Fox Mulder (he got his own mention outside of the double X-files mentions), Rain/Thunderstorms, my Mom , Haribo Gummy Bears, Robert Downey Jr., Chicago, Charleston SC., L.A., friends and Jewelry

WOW!! So many things...and all such great things. It is great to remember all these things that make me happy and that I love!

I have tried to think of other things that I would have thought would be added to my list and I came up with:
Friends (they were mentioned ONE time...seriously they are WAY bigger than that!)
My job
Food and/or Sweets
Traveling (though one person listed some destinations)
Music

I had a lot of fun with this. Any time you are feeling blue...think of all the things you LOVE!!!

Me Aunt Karla

I have had babies on the brain this week!!! I just can't stop thinking about all my little ones! A new baby girl was born this week, I got to see one I haven't seen in almost a year this past weekend, a birthday is coming up soon...they are just on my mind. And in a way it almost made me sad. I was thinking about how many of my friends/family have kids that I just adore so much and want to be a part of their lives so much...but I am really not, or not very often anyway. I started to feel really stressed about it. Seriously. I was getting upset and trying to think of dates I could see so-and-so and then I just made myself relax. What a problem to have, right?! I mean...basically I have too many loved ones to see!! I mean I know it is not as simple as that...part of it is that I often just don't feel good enough to see them, and some of them live far away etc. but all in all...I love and am loved by so many that it stresses me out how to find time to see them all...I believe that makes me a lucky one...definitely blessed.

I do wish I could be a bigger part in the lives of the kids of my friends though. I think about Kim's kids and how when Madison was born I was SO careful to see her AT LEAST once a month to do pictures and to cuddle and spend time with her. Oh to have that kind of time/energy again! I miss those kids so much! The other day I was on the phone with Kim and Austin asked her who she was talking to and she said, "I'm talking to Karla". He immediately corrected her (I heard him), "her name is AUNT Karla"....ummm can you say DAY MADE???!!!! I was beaming. Those kids rock my socks off. This first picture is of them dancing together at Ann's wedding...during the bride and groom's dance...they were mirroring everything Matt & Ann were doing...Adorable!!

I was sort of thinking that was the first baby but then it hit me...nope. My Madeleine is the oldest I think. Karissa's kids I see probably even less than Kim's kids. Luckily they are old enough to remember me a little better, though the red-head that works at the library and takes our picture pretty much sums me up for them. But...lets be honest...that pretty much sums me up so...I am good with that. I remember waiting for Madeleine to be born. It was so exciting and new. Karissa has been an awesome mom to watch as an example as so many other friends have become moms over time.

Don't even get me started about Sylvia's kids. (above is me with Madeleine,Karissa's daughter and Emily, Sylvia's daughter...I love that they have become friends!)They might as well be mine. Which I don't think Emmy always loves. I sort of tend to get on to her more than she might always like but...I also find myself just buying her clothes or toys b/c I found them on sale or just know she will love them...that kind of thing! :) And when she got pregnant with Xander...oh forget about it. My mom had to talk me out of setting up a play pen at my house...I still think it would have been a good idea. I love those kids so much I seriously feel like something is wrong if I don't see them after a bit. I mean, I need to know what's going on with my kids right? Obviously...they are just part of my heart and I love them. One day I might just move in....

A little over a year ago my friend Allison had a baby boy. It was a 'surprise' pregnancy and we couldn't have been more excited for her! She has done a great job of raising him while still dealing with her health issues and working full time and having to move and...just so much. I am so proud of her. I had visions of being there for her SO much more than I have been. I wanted her to be able to lean on me for support and I wish I had been there more, but she managed without me! :) He is a beautiful boy and I had so much fun spending time getting to know him this past weekend! What a treat!! He is still just as cute as he was as a baby!!

Then there is my friend Amanda. My friend Amanda lives in New York and I rarely get to see her. She is single and a children's pastor and recently decided to become a foster parent. I am so incredibly proud of her. She is overcoming a lot of obstacles to give her time and love to a child. She struggles, much as I do, with medical issues that easily take over her life. And yet she has decided to make this child more important than herself. I have never met this "little man". She sends me pictures of him now and then, which I love, but primarily I keep up with them via facebook and there she has to post pictures that don't show his face (rules of foster parenting) so though I know his name and face truthfully I think of him as little man who looks much like this. And I adore him. I seriously hold such a special place in my heart for this little one who has gone through so much already in his short life. I adore him for what he means to Amanda and what she means to him. I adore him for this journey they are on together and I think about them DAILY and wish I could be a part of it with them. They are both so incredibly special.

Then there are the kids I take pictures of. Yep even the ones I pretty much only see when I do that...I love them. Especially the ones I already have friendships with their parents. Like these two...oh they make my day every time I see them! Autumn & Adam. They are such sweet kids! And all the kids I photograph become important to me. I can't help it...

 

My sister married the love of her life...and got a family to love too! So I got a nephew, a niece and a grand-niece too!! While the two older ones are great, you know me...all about the kiddos. This one...is a hoot and the cutest little country sassy girl I have ever met. I cannot stop laughing when I am with her. She is amazing and I cannot wait to get to know her better!!!

And the Carters....oh I can't even talk about them this week without crying. I miss them so much right now b/c they just had a baby girl and I want to meet her so much!! Isaiah is such a special part of my heart. I don't know what it is about that kid, but next to my real flesh-and-blood nephew, he is the closest to my heart anyone has ever been. I love him so much. When he hugs and tells me he loves me I just....I remember the world is a good place and that things are okay. He is that amazing. His new little sister, I have no doubt, will be able to wrap my heart just as tightly in no time, because honestly I think she already has. Since I got the message she was born I have done little but think of her and miss her and pray for her. What precious children. How lucky I am to be part of their lives. How much I hate they lives so far away from me!!!!

And there are so many I know I have missed...if I missed your child, rest assured it is NOT b/c I don't love them. There are all my amazing cousins. There is Jen's step-daughter that I wish I could get to know better. There are Ann's new step-children that I swear I have a special bond with already based on that one day (the wedding...) that we hung out for pictures. There are Hancock kids and Mathis kids and a new Lindemann baby. There are kids I have never met or only met once or twice but I feel connected to b/c I watch them grow up on Facebook. There are kids I used to be super close to but b/c I am not that close with their parents anymore I rarely see them anymore.There are doubtless more.

And of course there is my actual heart, my nephew Michael. Sometimes I don't even get to see him as often as I would like. Over his life so many things have happened that our time together has changed many times and for many reasons. He grew up down the street, he moved away, he lived with me, he moved away again...but he is always my heart. I cannot imagine life without him existing. I cannot imagine taking a breath without thinking about him for part of it. They say until you are a parent you do not know what love is. I don't think that is true. I have a nephew and he has taught me more about love than I ever even imagined could be. And the amazing part is that while I thought the moment they placed him in my arms for the first time was the most I could ever possibly love another person, I was wrong! I love him more every single day. Even the days I don't see him. My love just continues to grow and grow.

 I guess that is the point of this blog, that is really just pictures and me bragging on my kids I love, it is okay if I don't see my kids as often as I want to. I have this fairy tale image of being "AUNT KARLA" that everyone runs to with open arms all smiles because I am everyone's favorite and full of love and laughter. Well...okay so that is not so realistic. But I am aunt Karla. To all these amazing kids, and especially to my kiddo Michael. So I am learning it is okay if they don't think I am their favorite. And I forgiving myself for not being in their lives as much as I wish I could be. And I am loving them with all I am, more and more every single day. Aunt Karla loves you...