My word for 2019 has been flourish. I was very excited about that as a word. I was very excited for it to happen in my life. I guess the real question now is - did I accomplish it? Did I flourish this year?
It would be easy to say no. I tend to focus on the negative - it is something I am working on - but I can easily point to several things over this year that went wrong. Things I did wrong. Things I wish I had gone differently. But I am not going to list those things - I have probably already complained about them anyway. Ha ha. Instead I am going to focus on the good. I have decided to find 5 ways I HAVE flourished this year.
1. I own a home now!! This is huge for me. Not everyone supported my choice to move to Manchester or buy a home here but I believe that overall it was a good thing. An important thing for me to do. It feels good to have a place that is mine. To move past all the things I walked away from a few years ago and start a new life in the now. And my nephew is there with me right now which makes it even more home. It is hard to be further from people I love or want to spend time with but if I make that my priority and they make me a priority I believe it can happen.
2. I was in a play!! It has been 20+ years since I have acted. I had no idea how much I had missed it. Getting a part was a shock. How much fun I had doing it was like remembering a part of me long lost. It was kind of crazy hard to work all day and then go to rehearsal every night, but I loved it so much. I will do it again for sure. It reminded me to have more confidence in myself and to be more creative and to just love life.
3. I went out more. It might not seem like to everyone as I have many people I haven't seen in a while or that I keep missing, but the truth is I have been doing more. And/or maybe just doing different things. I painted this year! I haven't painted in several years. I am not any better than I used to be but I enjoyed it just as much as ever. I went to several concerts - something I used to do ALL the time but haven't been doing lately at all. And maybe more importantly I allowed myself to get lost in the music at concerts. It is rare that I don't enjoy live concerts, but I used to just let my whole world disappear in the loudness and chaos of it. I did that again this year. Not as often as I used to obviously but...it was good. It was cathartic - as it always has been. Music speaks to my soul in a way no other thing or person ever has.
4. I have been dating. I know - WHAT? - right? Nobody get too excited. It hasn't been that much and it hasn't gone that well to be very honest but...it is kind of a big deal. It has been 10+ years since I have even given that part of my life any chance. There are many reasons for that - I was focused on my nephew, on my health, on my Mom. All of those things are true and valid but also...I was afraid. I wasn't good at dating even when I was skinny and young and did fun things. After two back surgeries, 50 lbs gained and a body that often gives out on me...I didn't feel I had anything to offer anyone. I still often feel that way to be honest - but I am trying. I am exploring. I am, dare I say it, flourishing a bit.
5. I have lost weight. So the reality is that I got to a really high all time high this past year and finally had enough. My health is bad enough without extra weight making it worse. My confidence is low enough with feeling too fat to be beautiful. I needed to lose the weight. And I did. Well I started to anyway. I have lost 30 pounds so far! Crazily it is kind of hard to see it. I still have 32 more to go so I am still very much over weight and I guess that is why. But I am ending this year at my lowest weight of almost 12 years. I am very proud of that and ready to work even harder to lose the second half (I have heard it is much harder).
So there you have it. Despite many flaws and many set backs and much floundering...I have to recognize some places I have flourished. And be proud. Not finished, not satisfied, not complacent, but proud.
**************I have decided this will be my last blog post on this site. I have been frustrated with not being able to make the changes I want to make for some time and at the start of this new year I will be starting a new blog as well. Once it is set up I will do a post here directing anyone who wants to follow to the new site. Thanks!******************************************************
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