Thank You

I have been so encouraged today to see so many people being kind to those of us who find Mother's Day a hard day. I know that some find that annoying and say that we should just 'get over it' and let other people celebrate and to be  honest, I understand that view. A large part of me feels that I (and others) should just hide away during this weekend. I don't have any desire to make others feel pity for me, or any type of sadness, on a day that celebrates something I love and find so much beauty in - motherhood is an amazing miracle and a blessing to so many. But to those who cannot be a mother, or those who do not have a mother. Or, as I now find myself - those who have neither...it is a hole that nothing else can fill. And for those who have experienced abuse from a mother who was supposed to be a blessing? I honestly cannot even begin to imagine what it is. So facing a whole day dedicated to pointing out, emphasizing and focusing on the thing that is a gaping hole in our life is...not easy. And while mothers UNDOUBTEDLY deserve SO much appreciation and love and praise - please hear me say that I am ALL FOR THAT, to those of us without...it feels like they already are the focus and the emphasis. All the time. Because we constantly notice we have no mother. We always see how amazing other mothers are with thier sweet babies and incredible children and remember we have none. A special day to be reminded more? God help us.

I don't want anyone to stop celebrating Mother's Day. It is too important. They are too important. That's why it hurts so bad. I am just taking the moment to say how much I appreciate all the people who posted on Facebook a reminder that even if today was hard, I was still welcome. Even if was not a mother, I was still significant. Even if my mother was gone, I was still loved. I want to say Thank you to those who went out of thier way to send me messages asking how I was or just saying I am thinking of you. I want to say Thank you for making me see that I don't have to hide. I don't have to just hiberbate and cry alone bc it is s hard day. Those are viable options sometimes, I am not knocking them, but it is nice to feel they are not the only ones.

This weekend my Dad asked me to drive with him for a crazy fast/rushed trip to visit my Grandmother. My Mom's Mom. I wasn't sure. I mean, as I said, I kind of just wanted to hide away. And it was so far for such a short visit...but I said yes. We didn't even call any of my cousins or aunts/uncles. We weren't there long enough to see anyone else! But you know...it was good to hug my grandparents. It was good to roadtrip with my Dad and our dog. We listened to some old country music that I haven't heard since my childhood which brought back a lot of great memories. And today my nephew sent me a text wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. It meant more to me than he will ever know.

So, it still wasn't an easy week. I missed my Mom so much. I would give anything to just talk to her or see her. There is so much I need to tell her and ask her and share with her. I missed my nephew too. He is growing up so much and is so far away. It is hard not be a part of this part of his life. I am SO proud of him. I wish could be there though. I miss the family I never had. The what if. The could have been. The broken dreams. That is not something that goes away.

But for the first time in a long time I was proud of the world in general. Or at least my little corner of it. Because I felt, and to be honest it was for the first time ever on Mother's Day, that it was okay for me to be in pain and yet still go about my weekend and enjoy Mother's Day. I don't know of I have done a good enough job of explaining why but hopefully you will see that by simply acknowledging and accepting my pain you made me feel that it was okay. I could honestly love all your sweet pictures on Facebook - because I DO! I adore them. But it is good and right for me to be able to say that I loved them with tears in my eyes. That doesn't make me bitter. It doesn't mean I want your pity or that we should cancel Mother's Day. It just means you accept me. Hurts and all.

So thank you.