Hard For Me To Say I'm Sorry

Okay it is not really hard for me to say I'm sorry. Well sometimes it can be but that is not what this post is about. Today's topic is...What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

Ouch. The answers to this are all things I don't want to think about frankly. They are also things I don't really want to write about. I guess this is when writing becomes real...when it is hard. When it actually means something.

I forgive easily. I have been told, many times, I forgive WAY too much. There are people who have mistreated me, been forgiven, mistreated me, been forgiven, and on and on and on. Another chance is pretty much always an option with me. The flip-side of that is, though, is that I am not quick to forgive those who hurt my loved ones. I cannot stand to see those I care about hurting. Hurt my people and I have no time for you. I know it doesn't make sense, I know it is not consistent, whatever. It is how I am. So in a general sense that would be my answer. It is hardest for me to forgive those who hurt the people I love.

In a specific, sense, however, I guess I am more selfish. Three instances sprang to my mind immediately when I read this topic. They are all different and I have handled them all differently. I am not sure if that means I am growing or, again, just inconsistent.

The first had to do with a boy...of course. I was in love with a boy who was not in love with me. Story of my life really. It was not the unrequited love I had a hard time forgiving though. This boy was my best friend at the time, and he began dating one of my other best friends. Secretly. Neither of them told me about it. The female friend even allowed me to continue confiding in her about my love for this boy. I can remember her telling me once she knew in her heart that I would marry that boy someday. Now I can see that it was her own insecurities speaking. When I learned the truth, however, I felt so betrayed. Especially because of that, because I had shared intimate thoughts and feelings with her and I felt she had basically discarded them as unimportant by being so dishonest with me. In that situation I "forgave" quickly. I accepted the apology, I moved on and eventually participated in their wedding (guess she was wrong...). As I look back on this situation, though, I know I did not take enough time. I should have allowed myself to be angry and hurt a bit longer. I should have made them answer for their dishonesty and disregard for my friendship. I do still forgive them, and love them both dearly, but for my own sanity it would have been better for me to get there at a slower rate.

The second situation was also about a boy...but a baby boy. I thought, at one time, I was going to adopt my younger brother's baby boy. I didn't just think it, I reacted to it. I quit my Seminary degree, I quit the only job in ministry I ever technically held, I totally bailed on my roommates with no notice to move back to TN that very weekend. I changed my whole life and my whole heart. I became a mother, in my mind at least. Then I did not. My brother and his (then) wife decided to give my nephew to her mother instead. I did not know all of the reasons, honestly I guess I still do not. There was some dishonesty, there was some lack of communication, there was some general chaos. I was very angry for a very long time. Sometimes I still am when I look back. Forgiving my brother, in particular, was very hard. We have always been super close but that put a wall between us for me. In this instance I think the adage that time heals all wounds has been my salvation. I still wish I had not gone through that heartache, but I no longer blame any one person or any one thing that happened. My nephew is still a huge part of my life, and thankfully my brother is still someone I count as one of my best friends. It took some time, though, and a lot of forgiveness. Heart break does not fade quickly.

Finally I think of a third boy. (I am rolling my eyes at my own self, don't worry). This boy was someone I had a semi-romantic past with. We had hung out some a few years prior to this time, but he ultimately preferred a friend of mine (pattern anyone? Oh yes...) and they dated for almost two years. Six months after they split up my mom was diagnosed with cancer and my whole life was turned topsy-crazy. I was spiralling and having a hard time reaching out to my friends. They were there for me, but somehow talking to them about it made it much to real. Instead I reached out to this boy and he was there for me. He was my lifeline for several months. It was sometimes romantic, but mostly just someone to give me strength. Someone to hold my hand and let me cry. He was exactly what I needed. Until the girl came back into the picture that is. She came back, and with a vengeance. She was angry we were seeing one another and claimed that she felt betrayed by it. To this day I am not sure how she is one who ends up betrayed in this story but regardless that is how she felt. The boy missed her. I knew that all along. I told him once that if she would make him happy he should go back to her, but I asked him to PROMISE me that if he did he would be honest about it and tell me what was going on. Well, he broke that promise. She came back to him one day and told him if he wanted to be with her he could never speak to me again. It has been over five years now, and he never has. They are not together anymore from what I have been told, but  he has never apologized or attempted to reach out to me. I did not love this boy. I was not shocked our "relationship" ended. I have yet to forgive, though, the way he discarded our friendship and his promise. He left me abruptly and coarsely at a time when he knew he was just about the last string I was holding onto. I am working on forgiving him. I want to, not for his sake really, but for my own. I am not there yet. It was very painful. I cannot image ever treating any person that way. But...it happens.

So I guess I would say that the hardest things for me to forgive are those that deal with betrayal and/or trust. Also it would appear that my heart weighs in very heavily. I am probably guilty of giving it much too quickly and easily. I do not think that is an excuse for anyone to break it so mightily. I am glad I have forgiven my friends from the first story and even more glad in the case of my brother. Those people are people I cherish and never want to lose. Maybe I will be able to come to a feeling of forgiveness in the last story. I hope I can someday.

Remember You Are Strong

So last topic was weaknesses...so obviously this time is strengths. I almost didn't do this. First of all, kind of obvious as a follow up. Also this one is harder for me. I see faults much more than I see strengths. And even the ones I acknowledge I don't feel extremely comfortable talking about. Not really a big fan of braggers or of bragging myself.

On the other hand, one of my weaknesses IS a low self view of myself so I decided ultimately that I needed to make myself think this one through as well. So...here they are - 5 strengths I see in myself:

1. I push myself.
So...yeah I know this was my first weakness, but I also believe it is a strength. I like to take care of those in my life (and sometimes random people as well...). I push myself often far beyond that is required of me. I do the unexpected. I try to (and mostly succeed at) being there for people regardless of what is going on in my own life. Simply put I put others above myself. This may reflect, again, my self esteem issues, but I don't really think so. I think it is what I excel at. I have a big heart and I push myself to be true to it and to use that emotion and love for good.

2. I am forgiving.
There are many in my life that would say I am way to forgiving, but I disagree. The past is just that, past. Everyone needs another chance. I know I certainly do. I have heard it said that Christians should forgive because we are forgiven. Maybe being raised in that mindset affects my life now. I forgive, though. Who am I not to forgive? Sometimes this leads to pain for me, and/or me living through things again and again that are hurtful. There is a time when you need to step away from hurtful people in your life, but you can always forgive. I think I am good at this.

3. Kids love me.
It is true. I am so good with kids, especially younger ones. Holding a baby is one of the most joyful things I can imagine in life. (Yes, even a crying one! lol) I have always been that way. As I get older I find it harder and harder to spend significant amounts of time with children, mostly due to physical limitations (I get tired and my body is too sore to trust myself to hold them etc.) but I still love them so much! And I still can feel that they love me. Might not mean anything in particular but I am proud of it. Children love me.

4.I push excellence.
This might be similar to pushing myself, but I mean it in a slightly different way. I demand excellence of the things I do. When I do my work I do it well. (I might procrastinate but when I do it, it is good!). When I host something I make sure it is extra nice. When I help Michael with his homework I refuse to allow him to stop until it is the best it can be. When I...well you get the idea! I demand excellence of myself. Occasionally this can be problematic because I tend to also expect excellence from others and get frustrated by the lack of it but...that is another issue.

5. I have good hair.
This is totally superficial  and maybe I shouldn't list it as a strength but...want to know my good points? My hair. My red hair. The end. I love my hair. :)