Self doubt has always been my biggest personal issue. It is something I am working on, and I think I have made some pretty good steps. I can look back and see many ways in which I have improved over the years, I also know I still have plenty of ways in which I still need to improve. I am thinking about this because last week I had a moment, or a whole night really, of self doubt that hit me so hard and seemed so out of the blue. It knocked me on my ass to be honest. I am only writing about it because it surprised me how hard and how fast it hit me that day. In thinking back on it I realized that self doubt is something that if people are honest, most everyone struggles with at least to some degree. And as I worked through things last week I came to a couple of simple realizations that seem pretty significant to me despite their obvious nature.
So basically what happened is that last week we had our second weekend run of the play. Well we didn't have rehearsals in between. So we did a show that Sunday and then we didn't meet until one pick up rehearsal on Thursday before shows that Friday and Saturday. It had been a long day for me, I was really tired and hadn't slept well the night before and I just didn't do a great job. When we met afterwards for notes - which we did at every rehearsal we have had - I had a lot of notes. Meaning there were a lot of things the director had noticed that I needed to work on. We finished up and I was walking out at the same time as my director and he innocently (poor guy) said, hey how are you doing?
So....I honestly had not realized until I looked up at him as he was saying that, just how upset I was. I almost started to cry you guys. I managed to keep from totally breaking down and mumbled something like 'I think I am getting worse instead of better' and just kept walking. I was kind of shocked by how upset I was. I know he was shocked by how upset I was. So he was very kind. He stopped me before we left the building and just like took 2 minuets to remind me that notes are just to help you polish your performance and that he thought I was doing a good job and that letting that kind of feedback make you emotionally upset was bad. It was so kind. He made me feel better about myself instantly and I realized I was overreacting and being silly. I am not kidding, all it took was a moment of kindness.
Let me tell what really happened that night. After I left I drove home (it's about 40/45 min) in silence and I just considered the night and why I had gotten so emotional and upset. Here is what happened. Well, like I said - first off I was tired. I had a long day at work and I didn't sleep well the night before, those kinds of things matter for sure. But really what happened is that one of our actresses didn't come to rehearsal. So we had to fill in for her. Whoever was not in her scenes just grabbed a script and went out and read her lines so the other actors could still go on rehearsing. So this girl has this one scene that we all love - it was one we read in auditions and it is really fun and funny. Someone else read that scene. And she was good. Like, it seemed like she had been practicing that part for a month kind of good. I had that thought, and I heard another actor just say under his breath, "man she is good". She IS good. I wasn't jealous. I was impressed. There was another scene. I don't remember if the same girl did it or another girl but it was good too. Then there were two scenes that I was really the only girl who could read for her. So I did.
I stunk. I am serious. I am not saying this so someone will say 'oh I am sure you were fine' (just FYI I hate that. When I am blogging don't just reply with platitudes. Ugh). The truth is that part is totally not me. It is overly dramatic and whiny and I didn't like it. I felt awkward, I sounded awkward. I didn't know where to stand or sit b/c I am not usually even watching them do those scenes so I was not very helpful and it was just...ugh. That is where the seed started. The self doubt seed. Why was I even there? I was twice as old as these kids. Obviously they are more talented than me. I am just a crazy fat lady trying to be funny and pretend I can act. I shouldn't be here. It was a small thing. Very unimportant to be honest. It wasn't my part. I didn't need to be good at it. But I wanted to be good at it. The other girls did good reading it. I wanted to do good. And that part was re-assigned when there was an issue within the show and to be honest, I had gotten a little upset I didn't get that part at first. Not b/c I really wanted that part - if you read my last blog you will know I actually had exactly the part I wanted BUT this was a bigger part and I sort of felt like I deserved it b/c I came to rehearsals and learned my lines - the other actress didn't. A lot. But as I was reading those lines I realized...I sucked at that part and she was good at it. I didn't want that to be true.
So now this seed of self doubt was in my head and I had to go do MY parts, which I actually had a fairly good sense of confidence about. Not that night I didn't. In fact every time I came on stage I was worse. I forgot lines, I jumbled up ideas. One time I came out and literally just stared at my co-star's face b/c I had no clue. I knew I was supposed to talk to him....total blank. It was awful. The truth is my director could have and probably should have given me much harsher notes than he did. I was so unfocused that night. I didn't even realize it, though, until later.
So that is my first point. Be careful about little things. They sometimes seem big but they just aren't. Don't let them grow like that. Sure I would love to say that I can pick up and read anything and sound/feel totally comfortable, but I can't. And I don't really need to be able to. I am not a professional actor. I don't want to be. I have no idea why I got so hung up on that. But I let that small moment of not feeling good enough spiral into something that had me nearly in tears over a play that I adored being a part of. That's bad. But it is a good lesson. I have been thinking about that in other parts of my life and I can see that same thing played out other times and ways. It is not always that obvious, but it happens a lot. Let small things go. They are just small.
Also though, be kind to one another! When I got in my car that night I cried for about the first five minuets of my drive home because that is the kind of person I am, a crier. I cry ALL. THE. TIME. It is how I deal with emotions. But the thing is I wasn't sad crying. I was actually relieved and just letting all of the stress out. Because Steve, my director, had made me feel better. He didn't do anything major - he just took a moment to be kind. He told me it was okay. Oh my goodness people, THAT is a little thing that is HUGE. If we would be kind to one another more often maybe we would be able to let go of the little things that we are holding on to that are so toxic to us. Holding on to kindness is so much better.
Okay I know that was a bit corny, but I totally meant it. Self doubt is my fatal flaw. I am determined not to let it kill me. So...lessons learned. I am trying to take them and live them out, and share them with you.
