Not Again

Some of you might know I grew up in Germany. My dad was in the Army and was stationed there so we lived there for most of my childhood. We were there from the time I was 2 months old till around 4 and then again from 2nd grade till 5th grade. I LOVED living in Germany. Well I don't remember that first trip much but that second time was so much fun. My parents chose not to live on the American Army base but rather we stayed on the 'German economy'. This meant we lived in an apartment building in a German town close to the base. We would walk to an actual town bus-stop every morning and meet the small handful of other American children whose families had chosen to do this and ride a bus into the base for school, and then come back afterwards. It was glorious. One of my favorite memories is that on the walk to the bus-stop there was a bakery.  The last leg of the walk (this was a long walk - bus-stops for kids now can be seen from your house...we walked very far away from home!) was down a hill and on the right side at the bottom of the hill was this bakery. The left side was actually our side and on the bottom of the hill we would cross the street and be at the bus stop. BUT on the good days we would stop at the bakery first! There was whole wall full of pfennig (penny) candy in the bakery so that is what we usually stopped for...a cheap piece of candy. Occasionally though we had more and could get a bigger treat. Then they Kinder Eggs....oh the best! Chocolate eggs with a toy surprise inside. My brother especially liked those! They cost an entire Mark though (basically a dollar here though the exchange rate is not that consistent). So we didn't actually have Germany money (or any money) that often but even when we didn't we could always smell the bread and pretzels as we passed that bakery. Oh man, that is a smell I will never forget!

I have memories of riding my bike in the fields in front of our apartments. And there was this path down one side that would lead to an amazing little wooden playground. There was an apple cart we would always pass as we walked to and from the park. And I remember one time finding vineyards when we were out biking! It was the coolest thing. Truthfully we didn't interact with the German people THAT often, because we didn't speak the language. But we lived among them so of course sometimes we did and somethings we picked up. I remember swimming at the community pool with German kids and playing sometimes at the playground with them. Probably the most interaction we had with actual German people came from our church. We found the most incredible church to attend when we lived in Stuttgart. It was run by a couple who were both preachers, one was German and one was American. So in the mornings they held a German service and in the evenings an English service. We had no building, just an apartment the church rented to meet in. I loved it! There were a few members who attended both services. In particular there were a set of sisters who actually lived in the same apartment complex as us and they were German so attended the morning services, but also often came to our evening services.

In any case I really enjoyed my time in Germany. One day my whole life was changed. My heart itself was changed. My family visited the concentration camp Dachau. You see horrible things had happened in Germany. I knew about them, I had learned about them already, young as I was, but the German people had kept this place as a reminder of the past. There is a sign, in fact, that says 'Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it' as you are leaving the grounds. Walking through that place where those atrocities and horrors had happened was unlike anything I had ever, or have ever since, encountered.  If you have never really taken time to let it sink in, you need to. Understand that I was there more than 30 years ago so I am sure my memory is not perfect. But the thing I will never forget is how that place felt. It felt cold. It felt quiet. It felt dangerous...evil. These people in that place where I was standing were completely dehumanized. They were treated worse than animals. They were beaten and starved and tortured and tested on. They were not even given the privilege of names. They were numbered. Can you even conceive of that? In death they held no meaning - bodies dumped together, one on top of the other and burnt in huge holes to make room for more. And the one room I literally still have nightmares about, they were occasionally allowed to have mass showers - but even that was a form of psychological terror because every time they went in they did not know if water to clean them would come out, or if it would be gas to kill them. Literally they stood naked and waiting, not knowing if it was for something that was a luxury or something that would cause unimaginable pain and then death.

So  I tell you about this memory of mine because when I left Dachau I was a changed person. My heart for Germany was changed as well and not in a good way. I was so heartbroken. I did not understand how this kind of evil thing could happen. I remember crying to my mother about it over and over, trying to wrap my mind around it. And the hardest thing for me, the worst part of all was the people. I could not deal with the knowledge that there were people living around me, grocery shopping at the same place as me, swimming in my swimming pool and even (this one was hard) going to church with me, who had been alive when all of this was happening. I didn't want to see them. I didn't want to talk to them or acknowledge them b/c to me they were evil too. They were just as bad as the men in the pictures.  WHY didn't they help the Jews? Why didn't they stop Hitler? I just couldn't understand it. Did they agree with him? Did they too think that somehow they were better than Jewish people? My Mom suggested to me that perhaps they were simply afraid of him, but that was not better for me. There were so many of them I argued. If all the German people had stood up to him they could have stopped him, they could have kept that from happening. I struggled with that for years. I still struggle with it. I have known my whole life that I would never allow myself to be found on the wrong side of that kind of evil and hate. I have always tried to be on the lookout for it so I could fight for those being oppressed BEFORE it got that bad.

I never thought it would have the same name. I never in a million years though anyone would choose to put the mantle "nazi" back on. It sickens me. More than that I never thought that people in today's day and age would be confused by it again. So I want to just be very blunt people - this is evil. Pure evil. It is the not the only evil in the world, but it is one that we have already named, one that we know. I think, though that sometimes we have forgotten how horrible it is. I think we have made it easier than it is or should be. We love to share stories about people who saved Jews - and those are wonderful stories, don't get me wrong but when I read stories like that I always think to myself 'but there were so many more who weren't saved.' When the movie Schindler's List came out I was afraid to see it. I just knew it would take me back to the horrors of Dachau. I didn't know if I could go back there. Finally when I was in college a good friend was very kind and patient and got the movie and watched it with me, understanding my fears. We watched it just the two of us in his apartment and he was very understanding of my tension. There is a shower scene like the one I described above in that movie and when it came up I literally was just shaking and in tears, I was so upset. We paused the movie and almost stopped but the thing is, in the movie it was okay. In fact in the movie almost every character you come to know ends up okay. And it is a great movie - don't misunderstand me. And a great story. Thank God for people like Schindler. But we as Americans need to remember that there weren't that many Schindlers. There were way more people who just let it happen. When the movie ended the pit in my stomach was b/c the movie was too easy. Not enough people died in that movie. Not enough evil was shown. Nazi equals evil. Please don't forget that. Please don't give it any room to grow.
This isn't about statues - although let me quickly say about that while YES we need to remember our past we do NOT necessarily need to glorify it. In Germany the idea of a statue of Hitler would be not only ludicrous but even illegal. We absolutely need to remember all parts of our past. But not all of them deserve to be honored. I am sorry if it is "your" family or "your" history...it was the wrong side people. The wrong side does not deserve to be honored. The wrong side wanted to keep slavery. That isn't okay. Just like the nazi's are not okay. So that is what this is really about. I am sickened that our president would say that anyone who would identify themselves as a nazi could possibly also be a "fine person". NO. That is not true. Now listen, I am a Christian, I believe in forgiveness. I am not asking anyone to kill anyone. But they are not fine people, they are evil. They are CHOOSING for themselves an evil persona. That is NOT okay in anyway.

Please do not be the people that would allow something like 'nazi' power to happen. Even a little bit. Just please don't. My heart couldn't take it when I was a little girl. But this time my heart will not let me sit and let it happen. I will never be part of the people who sat by and allowed it to happen. So I am asking you - stand with me. Stand regardless of your political side. Stand no matter what you think about the statue issue. Stand while you keep looking at other groups as well and PLEASE stand against other groups as well. Just stand when you see this. Stand always against anything that calls itself nazi, because there is no question about nazi. We don't need to take time and get the facts. We don't need to know if they got their permits and were allowed to be there. It doesn't matter. Nazi is bad. It just is. We already know that. We always know that. So please when it comes to this we should always stand together and make sure it does not happen. Not ever again.

Day 7: Around the World

July 7: Where have you lived and what was the best and worst part of each place

Umm....are you kidding me? I have been trying to make these posts short and sweet so I could catch up to the challenge. But this....well I am an Army Brat so...I will do my best to remember all the places I lived!!

-Fort Hood, TX - I was born here. That was good. I don't remember the bad at this point.

-Darmstadt Germany - we moved here when I was only a few months old and stayed for 4 years. Though I don't really remember this time I would say the best part was probably that my Grandparents were also stationed in Germany at this time and so we lived closer to them than any other time in my life. Oh and also my little brother was born here! The worst part? I don't know...probably how cold it is there!

-Lampasas TX - this time in Texas I do remember a bit better than when I was born, though I was still quite young. The two things I remember (and thus we will count them as "bests") are that all three of us (my brother, sister and I) shared a huge bedroom. When I got older I am sure that would have been a worst but I remember it being a lot of fun at that point in life. Also there was someone in our neighborhood with a trampoline and I remember having so much fun on it! I do not remember a worst from this time period...I am sure my sister or parents could fill you in

(at some point - I think around here we lived for awhile in Georgia while my Dad was in some sort of training or something of that sort. I don't remember much other than taking a towel with me to Kindergarten for nap time. It wasn't much cushion so I guess that would be a worst....)

-Heilbronn and Stuttgart Germany - I am so glad we had another stint in Germany so I could remember living there! There are so many amazing things I remember about this time in my life. Probably I would say BEST was all the traveling and the places we saw. I loved going to Berchtesgaden for our Nazarene assemblies, it was my favorite! Also there were castles and museums and volksmarches and a trip to Sweden and...all kinds of amazing memories. Probably the worst thing about this home was that during this time I became aware of the Nazi/Jew history in Germany. I really struggled with the idea that people I lived around and went to Church with etc. had been alive during that time and had "allowed" such a thing to happen. It was very hard for me not to be angry at all of the German friends we had made.

Copperas Cove Texas - so as you can tell we went back and forth from TX to Germany a lot. I am not sure I have the places where we lived each time exactly right. But I do know at this point we lived close but not on the base in TX. The best part of this time in my life was my church. We went to church in Belton TX (we did when I was younger too but I don't really remember). I was involved in Bible Quizzing and my best friend was at church, I had so much fun! The worst part, for me, was coming to grips with racism for the first time that I remembered. One of my best friends at school was a black girl, which meant nothing to me. But there were people who had issues with it and I remember watching her struggle and being so sad about it. In Germany on the military base there was such diversity that we never even thought about things like that. Or maybe I just was too young to notice. But it was sad for me to see how people could treat others unkindly just because they were different.

Fayetteville North Carolina - This was one of my favorite places I ever lived! We were here during my Jr. High years and though most people list those as terrible times, I LOVED it! I had an awesome youth group at church, I had a group of cool girlfriends at school. I had a crush on boys at church and school (not that they liked me but it was still fun). It was a great time in my life. I would say the best parts of this time were youth events. We went to camp every summer which are some of my favorite memories, and we were involved in district things as well. The worst part of this time is that I began to have low self esteem. I had so many beautiful friends and people were starting to date and "like" one another and I began to be very self conscious. I was a nerdy girl with bad hair and glasses. No one ever liked me and I was very jealous of many of my friends at this time.

Nashville TN - so then my family moved to Nashville. I was SOO mad. I wanted to go to college in Nashville and I felt like they were taking that away from me. Also they were taking me away from my best friends and my favorite place we had ever lived. I remember crying every day that I did not want to go to school. I am sure that was the worst. Just getting over moving. It was not a fast thing! The best thing, however, was when I finally did. In high school I auditioned for a play, got a lead role and that lead to a place in the schools highest choir. This led to more friends than I had ever had. I enjoyed my Sr. year of high school more than I ever enjoyed school anywhere. My best friends had always mainly been from church, but this group of people I just adored. My self confidence finally began to rise at this point and I started to realize I had talents to offer and things I was good at. It was a nice change.

Trevecca Nazarene University - Okay so this is still Nashville but a major change for me. I moved out of my parents home and into college dorms. College dorms would probably qualify as the worst part of this time! :) The best part of this time was, once again, my church. I got heavily involved in the youth department at a Nazarene church and had some of the most meaningful times of my life!

Kansas City MO - So I moved to Kansas City to go to Seminary. The worst part of this was....almost everything! I hated it there!! Sorry but it is true. I did not like my classes at the school. I did not care for the city. I did get a job as a youth pastor. That was awesome except it was an hour away (each way), it was VERY part time and the church basically saw me as a babysitter rather than a minister. The best of this time would just be relationships I had at the time. My roommate was a girl from college but one that I had never been super close to. We got very close very fast and I consider her one of my best friends. We made great roommates. Another friend from college lived nearby and she and I became VERY close during this time and remain very close even now. Those friendships and the kids at my church that I fell in love with made a very short and otherwise miserable time in my life bearable!

Nashville TN - So...I came back to Nashville after only about 8 months in Kansas City. I lived in many different places since then culminating in the home I now own in Old Hickory TN. I love Nashville for so many reasons. The best thing about this place is probably the arts. I love how musical and artistic this city is! The worst thing is probably how southern and conservative it is. Sometimes being in the Bible Belt Buckle drives me crazy!! But I continue to stay here for so many reasons! My family is close. My nephew is here and I could not bear to be far from him. The friendships I have developed are so deep and meaningful I cannot image being without them. This is my home. I have no trouble imagining it might be where I stay from now on!