Enough is Too Much

"I can't take anything else"
How many times have we uttered that line, feeling at the end of our ropes? I know I have - and even when I haven't said it I have felt it. When it rains it pours right?...it always seems like something.

Enough is enough. Apparently sometimes it really is, in fact, just too much.

Mom had surgery a few weeks ago. Turned out there was a new tumor in her brain and it was cancer - again. The doctors went in and, just like always, they got it out. They stitched her back up and a few days later she was back at my house recovering. I remember last year when she had her first brain surgery just thinking it was too much too fast. How can they send her home so soon after that? But they do, and they did, again. She had surgery on Tuesday, came home on Friday and for a week she rested. But something didn't seem quite right. The following Sunday (a little over a week after she was released) my dad and I took her to the Emergency Room at around midnight. They admitted her and we ended up staying in the hospital for 5 full days - longer than we had for surgery!

The weirdest part...they couldn't really tell what was wrong with my Mom. Her body was reacting as if she had an infection, but they couldn't find the infection. They ran test after test on her - wore her out with tests, it really sucked. But they all came back clean. But something was still obviously not right. So they just started her on antibiotics. Sure enough, she started to get better. But even then, they have no real answer as to why.

Neurologist came to see her and left us with basically the only answer they could come up with, and that is that her body just had enough...or rather too much. She has been fighting with cancer for NINE years. How glad we are she is still fighting after that long, but that is a lot of struggle. A lot of surgeries (6 tumor removals plus she had 2 other surgeries during those years). A lot of treatments. A lot of stress, a lot of not knowing what was next, a lot of wondering if it was coming back and when it was coming back. A lot of medicine for a lot of different symptoms. A lot of worrying, about not only herself but her family and the bills and the house etc. Just a lot. The doctor said her body just said...ENOUGH...and shut down.

It was scary. It still is. I worry and wonder how to keep her from having so much stress when cancer is so far out of my, or any one's control. I am constantly thinking about what we should do next to make life easier for next time, or to keep next time from coming.

Also, I am a little bit in awe.
I think maybe all of us should learn to shut down sometimes. Not the way her body did - I don't want anyone to be sick, but BEFORE it gets to that point. If ever anyone wondered can you really push yourself too far? Yeah...you can.

So I say this totally rolling my eyes at myself b/c I ate a Little Debbie cake & Diet Dr. Pepper for breakfast this morning BUT the reality of IT IS TIME TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES is beyond real to me right now. It is time to figure out what things are important and what things to let go of. It is time to stop trying to be perfect. Time to stop trying to please everyone. Time to stop holding things in until all I can do is eat a bucket of ice cream to feel better.

Obviously these are MY demons and my "ENOUGH" issues...but you have your own. It is not just about my Mom who had cancer. It is every person I know. The lives we live are way too chaotic. They are way too unhealthy. They are just too much.

Don't let life push you to the point that you are sick. Don't even let life push you to the point that you want to sit around and stress eat or binge drink or whatever it is you do when life feels out of control. I have to believe there is a better way than that. We CAN live more balanced lives than that. We can be kinder to one another, and to ourselves than that. I am determined to help my Mom find a better way to live her life - cancer or not - and I am determined to do that with her.

What is the point if we don't?...