Recognizing Me

The other day a friend posted a picture of me and it shocked me. It was a full body picture of myself and I have to admit, I was surprised at how big I have gotten. But also at my reaction to the picture,
I thought it was pretty cute. How weird is that? Here is the thing...I never think think of myself as overweight anymore. Of course I KNOW that I am. I mean I know I wear bigger clothes, I know what I weigh...but when I think of myself it is not as fat. So I was taken aback by the picture. And I am not saying I loved it, I do wish I was smaller - not claiming some sort of sainthood here - but it just didn't bother me the way it would have once upon a time.

I decided to try to compare the picture to one of me in the past. Here is the picture I am talking about

So I started looking for a comparable picture of myself about ten years ago. I couldn't find one. There are no full body pictures of me with friends. I know why too. I remember. It was because I was so fat. I HATED my body and I would cut off every picture so it was only the top part of me. I finally found a full body picture, here it is.

THIS is the body I was so ashamed of. I can remember literally crying to friends about how fat and ugly I was. What in the world? I mean it, what kind of world do we live in that girls think that about themselves? It makes me cry now to know that so many women feel exactly that way. And here is the thing...I have awesome parents. I was raised in a great and supportive family. I didn't have any crazy boyfriend telling me I wasn't worth anything. My girlfriends were not mean girls who were making me feel bad. No horror stories...it is just what I believed. I wasn't as stick thin as the girls I wanted to look like so...there must be something wrong with me. Something wrong enough that I literally CUT OFF pictures at the chest so I wouldn't see my own body. How scary is that?

Today I actually am fat. I know it, I recognize it, but it doesn't terrify me the way the thought of it did back then. I mean, I know it isn't the greatest thing. I know I need to be healthier and I could look better and blah, blah, blah. But you know what? I still think that first picture is pretty cute. We were celebrating a baby shower for a co-worker and having a great time and...I am done hiding myself and cutting myself out of life for the sake of an idea of what I should look like. Who am I even trying to look like that for? I asked myself that question and my mind was entirely blank...I don't know the answer. I find immense freedom in that. I am not trying to "find a man". I am not trying to be "better" than other women. I am me. I am not skinny anymore. I was once, and look, I was beautiful. It makes me sad that I didn't enjoy that more when I had it. 

I refuse to not enjoy life not simply because I am no longer skinny. So many things about me have changed in the time between these two pictures. My weight is only one of them. Sometimes I let it be an important one but in reality, it is not. I am very different, and I think, in mostly good ways.