The Hardest Thing

My next question: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I am not sure that at this point in my life I can pick just one thing. When something is happening it always feels like the hardest thing ever, but looking back on things I have realized that some of them were not all that important. Hard, sure, but important not so much. So I will leave out the first kiss ruined by the boy kissing another girl immediately after me, or the heartbreaks of friends who turned out to not be such great friends etc. I can say that there have been some things I have experienced that were so hard that trying to pick a "worst" from them would not be possible.

When I was a junior in college my 10 year old cousin, Jason, died from cancer. He had Leukemia and it totally rocked my world. I had not been particularly close to this cousin before he got sick other than just family reunions and such. Once he was diagnosed, though, my family made an effort to spend more time with him and his family and we became as close as the distance would allow (he was in Indiana and we were in Nashville). We went to his hospital to visit him several times and the courage and grace that child had changed my life. It was unreal. He was so positive and happy and caring of others around him. It was hard to watch him get weaker and weaker. I remember one trip my dad made to visit him that I decided not to make. I had finals coming up in school and I was behind b/c I had missed so much. When dad came home he told me that as soon as Jason saw him he asked "are Karla and Mickey here?". The guilt and sadness that I missed another opportunity to spend time with him has never gone away. Jason lost his battle with cancer and it touched so many lives. I was studying theology at the time and it impacted my views and understanding of God in enormous ways. That was over 15 years ago, but sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. Jason was such an amazing person. Losing him was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I keep a picture of him in my bedroom and often use it as a reminder to enjoy my life and to cherish those I love.

When I graduated from college I moved, briefly, to Kansas City MO to attend seminary. I was living with 2 other students and had a part time job as a youth pastor. I was home in Nashville visiting my parents when I got a call from my little brother. The year before his girlfriend had gotten pregnant so he had quit college, joined the military and married her. The child, my nephew, was not yet a year old and he called to ask me to adopt him. My world fell out from underneath me. I did not understand how my brother could be willing to give up his son. I immediately said yes, though, and the next day ended my life in Kansas City. I called the pastor I worked for and quit my job. I got online and dis enrolled from school, and I told my roommates I was sorry but I would not be back. I did return to Kansas City eventually, but only to pick up my things. My life there was over. I began looking for a job and preparing a room for my nephew in my parents home, where I was going to stay until I could get on my feet as a single parent more. A few weeks later I got another call from my brother. They had changed their minds and decided to have his wife's mother adopt Michael instead of me. I felt as if my whole life ended during that conversation. In the weeks between I had completely gone through the gamut of feelings from shock to fear and then to motherhood. I had made a place in my heart to make this child my own, and then he was taken from me. Not literally, as I never actually had Michael in my arms, but just enough to break my heart. Thankfully Michael has always remained a big part of my life, but that loss and heartache has never gone away. I miss him every day he is not with me.

Five years ago I was 30 years old and having a fabulous year. I loved my life and that year I had started a dream. I was working on my PhD through a program based in Manchester England. I fell in love with that place and I was happier than I remember being in such a long time. The day I returned home from my second trip 'across the pond' I was tired but happy. My parents picked me up from the airport and took me to their house. I had decided to stay there until I made a decision about whether or not I wanted to make an actual move to England to finish up my program there rather than travel back and forth. We had only been home for about 10 minutes when my dad told me that earlier that morning my mom had been diagnosed with colon cancer. She was having a routine colonoscopy because she in her 50's now and they caught it. I quit my program of study and decided to remain living with my parents to help out. My whole life changed in an instant. Cancer. The dirtiest word in my vocabulary. Jason's struggle had such an impact on me and now it was in my home. In my face every day. This time it wasn't just my insides that changed. Everything about my day to day life was changed by that. I am happy to say that my mom is still with us. So far cancer has not taken her life, but it has taken much from us all. She is now considered a stage 4 patient. That is the last step before death. Right now, though, the cancer is staying away. Right now there are no signs of it in her body. It is miraculous, and yet tenuous. None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. But it is hard.

Life is not always easy or fun. I can say, though, with certainty that even through these incredibly hard experiences, there is happiness and peace and life to be found. Some days it is hard to see, but it is there.