Today I found out that a boy I went to high school with passed away after a fight with cancer. Ugh. That word. I hate it so much. I am very sad to hear this news. I didn't really know him very well, I doubt he would have even remembered me. But, once upon a time...
I was a totally different person than I am today. I was this quiet, shy person without many friends or many interests who tolerated school but really didn't like it much. I was in choir, but just that first year choir that any and everyone was in b/c you had to have an art elective. The director of our choir, though, was the same woman who directed the school musical, and she told our class about tryouts. There was a girl in my choir who was also in another class with me. We weren't super close or anything but she begged me to try out with her. NO WAY. I had no self esteem back then. I was way too shy. There was just no way. She kept begging. Finally she talked me into just going with her to sign up for auditions.
When we got there I saw this boy. I had noticed him around school before. He was older than me so not in any of my classes but I had seen him in the hallways and in an assembly. He had the most beautiful smile. I had a huge crush on him. I just thought he seemed like the coolest person. I remember thinking he seemed like the most genuine person in the world. When I saw him with his friends it just seemed like he really cared about them. I remember thinking how awesome it must be to have someone like that to care for you. There he was. The boy I had a crush on was signing up. So, totally out of character for myself, I signed up too! And craziest thing in the world...I got a part!!
I never really got to know Clay (that is his name). I mean we met sure, we were in the musical together, but we never became friends or hung out. He graduated that year and as I said, probably never would have known who I was. But the thing is, b/c I was in that play...my whole life changed. That sounds a bit dramatic maybe but...it isn't. I was telling my mom this story today - she had never heard the story of why I auditioned - and she said that actually. I paused and she filled in that line "everything changed". It is the truth.
For the first time I began to realize I had a voice and that it was worth hearing. I began to realize I had things to say and I had the strength, and desire, to say them! Or sing them if I wanted to, but it was never about musical talent - I only have a minimal amount of that - it was about self worth and confidence and seeing things in a new way. It was about meeting new people and finding a place where I could grow. It was about learning to be open to new ideas and a million other things I could list for hours. That musical was the beginning of my journey to learning who I really am. It was start of me. It was the foundation of who I have become.
I am sad to hear that Clay is gone. I think this world is a darker place without his beautiful smile. I wish I had gotten to know him better. I wish the me that I became had that chance. The chance to tell him that even though he never knew it, he was infinitely important to me. That his life mattered to my life. Today is a sad day. But also a day I will remember Clay with a grateful smile. I pray for his loved ones and grieve with those who are grieving for him. There are no words that are appropriate when this disease takes away those who belong here. Hold your loved ones close and be grateful for the time you have with them always.
No comments:
Post a Comment